Changing Circumstances
by Jclimactic
Summary: Katherine Beckett faces a challenging decision; Richard Castle has already made Can the star crossed lovers find a future together, or are they doomed to be torn apart by circumstance? Departs from canon before the swings scene in Watershed
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: So an interesting idea in a PM for a new, multi chapter fic. I'm sure anyone who reads it would prefer that it were tackled by an author other than me, you know, someone with the writing skills of Hemingway rather than those of a half drunk hammerhead. But I digress... ;-) Last but not least, seriously do not expect daily updates for this one!**

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Katherine Beckett had a huge decision to make, one that could change her life forever in so many ways; a bigger more prestigious job in DC, or staying with the familiar in New York. Even from simply a professional level it wasn't an truly easy decision for her, but on a personal level there was so much more at stake.

She had called Castle, needed to talk to him, to look him in the face and ask where they were going; not giving him any room for avoidance this time. He'd agreed easily enough and had asked to meet her at the swings, a special place for them in the past, where she had come to realizations about them, expressed her desire for an eventual relationship. That relationship was the thing in question now, that and how it could clash with her potential professional future.

Beckett recalled telling her dad that the job offer would leave no time for a relationship, and that was undoubtably true in her estimation. She had twisted the situation around in her mind each and every way, concluding time after time that it was an either/or decision, not a both/and one. Freedman had been clear with her, the job required absolute dedication to it above everything else, it left no time for distractions, and his mocking of his own bosses family photos left no doubt about how he felt regarding the role of family in the work place. He hasn't flat out told her, but the implications were obvious; he had no interest in investigators who did not invest everything in the job and the investigations assigned.

It had been a bitter pill to swallow, to admit to herself that maybe this career choice, if she made it, wasn't compatible with her relationship. With the type of relationship she and Castle had always wanted at least. The role wouldn't allow him to work with her, to be there for her; and certainly wouldn't allow her time to be there for him. She knew that in taking the job, any relationship maintained would devolve into what she'd had with Josh; time spent apart, time growing apart, until eventually the framework of what had brought them together would simply collapse. The career she had was certainly compatible, her role as an NYPD detective had brought them together; but this bigger role, bigger career just wouldn't allow the same types of connections that had made them so strong together in the first place.

Castle had been so angry the night before, so upset with her for keeping the whole thing secret; but she really hadn't meant to, hadn't expected anything to come of it. The offer though, it was more than she had ever thought possible; her youthful dream of being the first female Supreme Court justice had slipped her by, but this was the equivalent for her current profession, the pinnacle of federal investigative power and oversight: a special investigator reporting directly to the Attorney General and President.

Her life wasn't about her mother's case anymore, she'd finally managed to finally let that go as her primary driving motivation, she did not need to be a homocide cop in New York now. Hadn't really needed to be for a year now, but no other opportunity had really presented itself before; then just recently everything had changed.

She was sitting on the swings, alone for right now weighing her options. Glancing down at her watch she saw their meeting time had just past, but Castle hasn't arrived yet; leaving her to stew in her own uncertainties or a while longer.

To take the job she'd have to give up so much, her work family in New York, a established career and name at the NYPD, all those things though she'd probably be willing to trade away. Her career had always fulfilled her, not necessarily made her happy, but provided intellectual and professional fulfillment; at the same time it had consumed her, leaving her to live but have little fun. Until that is Montgomery had forced Castle on her, forced her to allow fun back in to her personal and professional life. Beckett would trade away a lot to take the job in DC, she knew that without a doubt; but trade everything? Time with family, friends, an existing career many women or men would kill for; all that _and_ Castle?

Kate was worried that it was simply too late for anything to be recovered between them. Maybe he'd solve the quandary for her, break up, dump her over the secrets kept; ending their relationship and leaving her a simple choice-less conclusion: take the job, hide in work once again and lick her wounds in private.

Every way Kate looked at it the result seemed obvious, she wanted the job, wanted the challenge of DC; but wanted to maintain the relationship with Castle too, to have what they had built over the years. If she was right, if her conclusion that she couldn't have both was the reality of the stark choice she faced; then she had to talk to Castle, had to know what future they had ahead of them. Only with that knowledge in hand would she feel comfortable in choosing; filling in the final elements of the metaphorical murder board of her future, the victim the only remaining unknown: the job or her relationship.

Beckett looked at her watch again, frustration growing. Castle was ten minutes late now and she really needed to talk to him. Freedman was expecting an answer today, she didn't have much time; this job was one thing that wouldn't wait for her.

Her phone started buzzing, deepening her frustration even further; irritated that things were potentially going to be derailed before Castle had even arrived. She was sorely tempted to press [Ignore] but seeing the screen showing [Ryan] she felt obligated, she'd left the guys to deal with what was potentially her last case, she couldn't simply ignore them if they needed help now.

"Ryan this better be important."

The response was not the usual professional tone, it was one with undertones of emotion, Kate knew something was wrong before the first two words were out of his mouth, "Dispatch called. There's been an accident. Castle's hurt. They took him to Bellevue."

She was running to her car as soon as she heard accident. He had probably been hurt coming to meet her, and there were closer hospitals to the park; which meant only one thing: it was serious, he needed to be taken to the tier 1 trauma center at Bellevue.

The tires on Beckett's cruiser squealed their discontent at being abused as the car ripped free from its parking spot adjacent to the park. The lights and sirens no less discontent as she immediate switched them to full on emergency response mode, leaving them to barked and flash their frustration into the empty New York sky.

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Beckett pulled up in front of the Bellevue trauma center, into one of the outside slots reserved for police, emergency lights still flickering their chaotic message for all to see. She rushed inside the main entrance; not the ambulance bay entrance as she would if she'd been with her partner when he'd been hurt. No she was entering the same door anyone else could use to reach him, from friends, casual acquaintances; there was nothing special in their connection in this route to him and it pained her even as she hurried toward him.

Rushing up to the front desk in the Beckett barked out, "Richard Castle? Where is he?"

A nondescript, middle aged lady, her name tag reading 'Monica' responded curtly, "Are you family?"

She hesitated, as she always seems to find herself doing as she pondered what they were to each other, "No."

"Then I can't.."

Not letting Monica get any further on the denial track Kate slapped her badge down on the desk in between them "NYPD. Where is he!"

The woman leaned over the desks to take a closer look at the identification, "Is this an official enquiry Detective Beckett?"

"Yes! I'm not going to ask again."

"Mr Castle is currently a patient at this facility, he's in the trauma center in critical condition."

Frustration, her theme of majority of the day so far, was growing inside her, she need to know, need to know how things stood with him, "What are his injuries?"

"He's in critical condition, under HIPPA disclosure rules I can say any more than that as I'm sure you are aware."

Beckett growled out a reluctant acknowledgment, "I know the rules!"

Not to be intimidated, far too used to this kind of reaction, Monica responded with a simple, yet firm tone, "Then back off detective! The waiting area is over there." She gestured down a long corridor, placed out of the path of foot traffic and emergency personnel.

Beckett had been pacing back and forth in the waiting area, her few shreds of self control slipping away before her phone beeped again, a text from Ryan: [Call me].

As soon as she was connected Beckett was once again in control, "Where are you?"

"At the scene. Looks like a simple accident. He wasn't paying attention, distracted about something and stumbled off the curb, got hit by a cab. There are a few eye witnesses, he took a big hit Beckett."

She growled through the phone, her frustrations temporarily escaping her iron control, "They won't tell me anything here."

"Beckett. Calm down. I called Martha, she's on her way, Alexis too."

The rest of Castle's family had simply slipped her mind she realized, her thoughts too jumbled, too worried to keep others' needs straight right now. She could only respond with a hollow sounding, "Thanks."

"Esposito and I will be finished up here soon, not much to be done honestly; and it's not our turf, well unless.." His voice halted abruptly, then continued in a gentle tone, "We'll be over there soon."

Beckett collapse into one of the waiting room chairs, the thought that he might not make it hadn't entered her mind until Ryan's slip. Critical. Monica had said critical, not serious; critical meant they weren't sure of the survival chances. She might not ever look into his eyes again, the ones that looked at her sometimes as if she were some kind of goddess to be worshiped. Might never feel their blue warmth envelop her again. The thought was heartbreaking.

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When Martha rushed through the emergency room doors she was barely keeping herself in control, her brief conversation with Detective Ryan had been nondescript to say the least, "Bellevue trauma centre. Castle's been hurt. Beckett should be there before you."

She didn't receive the information she hoped for, Richard was still in surgery, in critical condition. One of the staff was kind enough to guide her towards the waiting area where she spotted Katherine huddled in a ball, knees drawn up to her chest forehead resting on them.

Martha gathered herself together, one of them needed to remain in control, to provide some stability: and it really didn't appear to her that Katherine was up for the job right now. She reached out her hand, trying to provide the little comfort should could given her own worries, stroking gently at Kate's hair, "Katherine dear."

Kate's head rose from her knees, tear streaked face looking up at Martha before she stood and pulled her into a tight, desperate embrace.

"What happened Katherine?"

"I don't really know Martha, looks like an accident.. I.. I wasn't with him when it happened. We haven't been talking the last couple of days."

"Ah. The.. later. Not now. Just know now, no matter what happens, he loves you Katherine, more than I have ever seen him love any other woman."

"I know Martha. I know." The tears started to flow again then, Kate didn't cry easily, preferred to keep iron control of her emotions; but she couldn't control things now, it was all becoming too much.

They were both still standing, arms around each other when they heard Alexis's voice calling for her dad as she entered the facility.

Martha called out to her, wanting to draw her to them before any other news could be shared with her, "Alexis! Come over here."

Alexis looked at Kate's tear streaked face and her own expression began to crumble, "What happened?"

Beckett could respond to that, a simple request for facts she knew how to handle even now, "A random accident is what it looks like according to Ryan. I wasn't with him when it happened."

"An accident?"

"He was hit by a cab, I don't really know any more than that."

"What happens now?"

Martha spoke up, imposing herself, trying to be a calm presence for the other two, "We wait. We all wait together."

Drawing both young women into her embrace Martha pulled them down to sit together, and they waited for more information.

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Ryan an Esposito arrived together, none of their usual banter between them as they started to approach the three women.

Esposito slowed to a stop halfway across the waiting room, reaching out to grab Ryan's arm, "Bro, I think we should leave well alone."

"Seriously dude? We have to say something."

"Kev, they weren't even talking, I don't want to get in the middle of that."

Ryan shook loose of Esposito's grip walking forward again, "Whatever was going on between them, she needs our support right now."

He continued approaching, leaving Esposito standing frozen and torn behind him; kneeling down in front of the chairs as Beckett looked up toward him, he spoke softly, "Hey Beckett. Any news?"

"Nothing."

"Need anything?"

Kate shook her head quickly, "Not right now, any more information about what happened?"

"Not really, no evidence of anything odd. Just looks like an accident."

"Thanks." Beckett closed her eyes then leaning back in the chair, leaning a little into Martha side.

Ryan conclude that conversation was very much over, and left them alone; moving away a few chair to sit down; glaring across the room at Esposito and briskly gesturing him over to join him.

Roughly an hour later there were more people clustered in the waiting area, detectives and uniforms from the 12th had started drifting in a little after the 5pm shift change. All of them expressing small shows of support to Martha, Alexis, and to Beckett; there to show some solidarity with Castle, not technically a cop, but such a welcome presence at the precinct. He was part of their family and many of them wanted to show their support for him, just as he had supported the precinct in so many ways.

The three of them had been clustered together earlier but has separated a little when Lanie had appeared to take custody of Beckett, who was starting to show signs of clear agitation rather than just burn out from worry. Lanie had to force her to sit again instead of standing and pacing, trying and make her relax instead of chewing on her knuckles and lower lip.

Instead of her more usual aggressive tone, Lanie was gentle, trying got be a comforting presence for her friend, "Kate? How are you holding up?"

"Terrible."

"Everything is going for be alright."

That pushed a button for Beckett, touching layers on meaning that she didn't want to think about right now, drawing out a snappish response, "You don't know that!"

"Girl! Don't go looking for trouble. In trauma no news is good news; they're still working."

"I just want him to be ok Lanie. I need him to be ok."

Lanie pulled Kate into a quick hug, "I know you do honey. I know."

A doctor approached the waiting area, "Family of Richard Castle?" He was tall, severe looking, with a military bearing, ramrod straight back and short, graying hair. His blue scrubs had small blood spots on the arms.

Martha pushed herself forward, pulling Alexis behind her and reaching a hand toward Beckett where Lanie had released her and was nudging her forward. Martha was the only one to speak, "Here."

"I'm doctor McDaniels, one of the team that has been treating mister Castle. He has suffered significant injuries, we are still in the process of stabilizing him. There are numerous broken bones, which are being surgically pinned. We are still concerned regarding his head injuries. At this point we believe he is out of any imminent danger, though assessment continues."

Kate finally reached Martha, taking her hand and enclosing it in an almost crushing grip: needing something, someone to be a source of strength, to help her stand through this. Alexis was on little better shape, leaning heavily on her grandmother. There was a group relaxation, though only modest, as the doctor indicated the imminent danger was past.

The doctor continued briefly, "We will attempt to keep you up to date, though surgery and treatment is expected to continue for now."

He gave them a small smile, that Martha assumed was supposed to convey some sort of comfort, though she felt little from it, "I need to get back in there now."

Martha guided Alexis back to an empty chair, and Beckett back to Lanie who wrapped her up in a tight hug. Then took the responsibility on herself to update the others, simply communicating that Richard was out of immediate danger but was still being treated.

After that she settled back down beside Alexis, ready to provide support and to wait for her son to come back to her.

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Martha was brought out of a semi-dazed state by a touch on her shoulder, "Mrs Castle?"

With Alexis' head resting on her shoulder she was careful not to make any sudden movements, not to jostle the child who still appeared so worn out, so frightened even in her sleep. Looking around she saw a nurse holding out an plain brown envelope toward her, "It's Ms Rodgers dear, or Martha. What's this?"

"These are mister Castle's personal effects Ms Rodgers. Could you sign here please?" A clip board thrust into view then, hardly what Martha would call an appropriate time to be doing this but she signed anyway.

"Thank you."

Alexis had clearly been woken though, as her whispered voice made clear, "Grams? What is it?"

"It's Richards personal items."

Alexis reached out a hand towards the envelope, "Can I?"

"Of course dear."

After taking careful hold of the envelope, she cracked it open and peered inside. She couldn't help the weak smile that teased her face with happiness as she reached in to pull out his wallet, and slipped a black card from within it, "Look Grams, I have his Amex and he's not even whining at me."

As she started to put the wallet back into place, she let out a small gasp, looking around quickly to see if anyone had noticed but Martha. No one had; the detectives for the 12th were mainly cluster together playing a game of cards. Kate was sat next Lanie, head drooping onto her shoulder, seemly boneless with exhaustion.

"Grams! Walk with me, let's go get some coffee please?"

"Hospital coffee? Seriously darling you don't need the caffeine or the punishment."

"Come on! Grams!"

Martha was looking at her granddaughter very skeptically as she pushed herself up and out of the chair, "Fine. Fine. What is this really about?"

After rounding a corner from the waiting room, Alexis dipped her hand into the envelope, had to peak again to find what she was looking form. The she pulled a small item free with a flourish almost dramatic enough to justify a spontaneous dove conversion. Though she was sure it would have been a very rare, expensive, and shiny dove if it had happened.

Alexis lowered her voice to barely a whisper, "Is this what I think it is? An engagement ring? Did you know about this?"

"Well dear, I did know he had a ring. He's had it for months, just hadn't worked up the courage to stop holding himself back yet. I didn't know he was carrying it around everywhere though. Silly boy, he could have been mugged."

"I doubt he was Grams, just carrying everywhere I mean. I talked to him last night, about not letting fear hold you back; I mean I was talking about me, but he seemed to be listening very seriously. Maybe he was going to give it to her today?"

"Well I suppose, we had a little chat earlier too; about holding back. It's certainly possible."

"Should we tell her?"

Martha dropped her finest Diva visage over her face and shoulders, staring Alexis solidly n the eyes, "Absolutely not! That ring is between them, we can't interfere with that Alexis; perhaps your father changed his mind at the last minute, wasn't going through with it. We just don't know, only he does; we leave it alone until he can finish whatever he had planned."

She reached out and took the envelope and ring from Alexis, "I think I better look after these."

Martha wasn't sure what had happened, but obviously big things were occurring between her son and Katherine. Was Richard on the way to propose to Katherine when he had been injured? Or had he proposed and been rejected, before losing himself in distraction and being injured as a result? Katherine hasn't said anything about a proposal, but then Martha wouldn't have expected her to bring it up if she had rejected him, particularly if she had done so perhaps only minutes before he was seriously injured. Martha just didn't know what to make of the situation, and as she'd told Alexis, the only way to know what had happened, what direction things were headed in was to wait for her son to fill in the gaps. For now, she had no choice but to wait, and slipped the ring into a pocket for safekeeping.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: This is... challenging, a more complex story than I've tried to write before. Repeat warning: Do not expect daily updates. Second warning: Not an MD, haven't been admitted to hospital in 30+ years (and never in the US); I have done some research, but no I'm not going to get all the details right :-(**

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The waiting room at the Bellevue trauma center was still crowded with off duty members of the 12th precinct. Martha and Alexis sat together quietly, the occasional tear escaping Alexis' eyes, but a certain sense of temporary calmness now permeated the pair. Castle was, according to the trauma surgeon, out of immediate danger.

Kate was sitting, her whole body tilted into Lanie; her need for support, for strength was obvious to anyone who looked at her. The normally strong Detective Beckett was still there, in evidence whenever someone spoke to her; a firm 'thank you' to any offer of support or suggestion to hang in there. When alone in her thoughts though Kate's strength seeped out of her with every new worry that crept into her regarding Castle's condition.

Her mind twisted around and around, a simple desire that he be alright running headlong into the harsh reality of a decision she still faced. Two additional hours of twisting at the end of the rope of her own dilemma were gradually taking their toll.

Another doctor approached the waiting area, not the same one as last time; Kate wasn't sure precisely what that meant. This one was slightly shorter, not wearing surgical scrubs, no traces of blood on his sleeves. Kate watched, head still resting on Lanie's shoulder, as he walked straight up to Martha.

"Hello Ms Rodgers, Miss Castle. I'm Doctor James."

Lanie whispered in Kate ear then, "Girl, get over there." Pushing her upright and in the direction of the Martha and Alexis.

Martha immediately pull Kate closer as soon as she was within arms reach, drawing her into her left side while Alexis was tucked close to her right, "This is Katherine Beckett, you can tell her anything you can tell us Doctor. What's the news."

Briskly shaking hands with each of them he started to explain, a little practiced, a little robotic, as if he'd been doing it for a few too many years, "Mister Castle is actually in remarkably good shape according to Doctor McDaniels, I will be taking over on going primary care; Doctor McDaniels is a trauma surgeon rather than an internal medicine specialist."

"As you know he had multiple broken bones, including ribs; so he is likely in some pain. This injuries have been surgically repaired and pinned. He is breathing on his own but we are keeping him sedated for now. His condition has been upgraded from critical to serious."

Kate spoke up, seeking a little clarification, "_Likely_ in some pain?"

The doctor gave a simple nod while continuing his description of the situation, "He is still unconscious at this time. We remain most concerned about his head injuries, there was significant damage, scans show some swelling, but remarkable little considering. The neurologist on call has taken a preliminary look and believes there are still risks of complications. Traumatic brain injuries are extremely difficult to evaluate while the patient is unconscious."

"I'll call Doctor Andrews in to take look if that's ok? She's an old friend."

Doctor James tilted his head slight towards Martha, tilting his head slightly, "Doctor Evelyn Andrews? You know her?"

"Yes, she's an old friend, we've known each other for years."

He gave brisk nod and continuing, "That would be welcome Ms Rodgers. So Mister Castle is being moved to intensive care now, he'll be under continuous monitoring. We expect keep him sedated until at least tomorrow morning, after that monitoring and observation until he wakes and a full cognitive exam can be run."

Beckett stiffened within the embrace of Martha's arm then, "How long before he wakes up?"

"Unclear Ms Beckett, not until he is tapered off the sedatives obviously, but how long after that is hard to predict with his head injuries."

Alexis whispered, her first words a while, "But he will wake up?"

"No guarantees, but his pupils are responsive which rules out some conditions, and there are no real markers that leave us concerned regarding a coma or vegetative state at this stage."

Martha herself felt almost weak at the knees after those comments, and almost had to pull Alexis back upright for a moment, "Perhaps we could leave it there for now Doctor. Can we see him?"

"When he's transferred yes, one at a time and only for a few minutes I'm afraid for right now."

"Thank you Doctor."

Kate held herself back, encouraging Alexis in first to see him, then Martha, finally accepting the inevitable; she needed, wanted to see him even if he wouldn't be able to say anything, to give her any words of comfort.

On entering the intensive care suite she almost stumbled; he looked like a mummy, bandages and dressings covering almost every visible part of him, a metal cage surrounding one of his legs like scaffolding. If this was remarkable good shape or patient she didn't want to know what she had looked like when wheeled out of surgery following her own near death experience. The only saving grace in her view was the lack of a ventilator, he was breathing unaided; and would be able to speak as soon as he woke up.

She approached the bed slowly, not truly sure what she should do, eventually reaching out to ever so softly stroke his cheek, "Hi Rick. Wake up soon okay? Please? I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you so much Rick, need to hear your voice."

After a few more minutes of simply staring at him she felt the weight of everything she faced pushing down on her; the seemingly fruitless hope that his eyes would just pop open was becoming to much. She wanted to feel their blue glare pierce her heart once again, had to leave to regain control before breaking down even further.

Kate rejoined Lanie, sitting close to Martha and Alexis, close but apart; not sure where she fit, where she even wanted to fit into the future of the Castle clan. Her eyes eventually drifted closed, pulling her into a short nap, tension having worn her to the bone.

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Beckett excused herself from the others, it seemed as if half of the 12th precinct was in the waiting area still; they all knew now it could be days before Castle woke up, but it didn't seem to matter, nobody wanted to leave. She wandered slowly away, down the long corridor leading to the waiting area from entrance, her steps reversing the path she had taken earlier that had led her to Castle.

Stepping outside she took a deep breath, it was getting late now; darkness had settled onto the city, it never slept, the lights never went out, but New York still managed to drag a dark blanket over itself sometimes.

Kate had to make a call, needed more time to gather her thoughts, to reach a decision she wouldn't end up regretting or resenting later. She scrolled though her recent recently received call list, knowing despite the hour that he'd still be in his office, or reachable; no longer delaying she hit connect. The call was promptly answered but a calm, assured voice, "Deputy Director Freedman's office. Danielle speaking."

"Hello, this is Katherine Beckett, is he available?"

"Of course Detective Beckett, he's been anticipating your call. One second." The complete silence at the other end of the line telling her another truth; she was on hold.

Abruptly a voice broken into the silence, a clipped tone, and a single word, "Freedman."

"Sir. This is Katherine Beckett."

"I know Beckett. I wouldn't be answering if I didn't know who was on the line already. Do you have an answer for me?"

"I need more time sir. My partner.. He's had a bad accident, I just need a little while longer."

The voice held no particular emotion as it continued, as if just stating facts, "I'm sorry about your partner. But the job offer is for you, not a team; you can't let an old partnership hold you back from this opportunity. If you want the job, it's yours; but you'll be moving on from your old team anyway. It's Wednesday, you have until 5pm Friday to give me your answer, if we haven't heard by then we'll assume it's a no."

He had hung up. Beckett had bought herself a couple of days at least. A couple more days to think things through, perhaps to make one of the biggest decision of her life without the input she had sought from the other person who would be so effected by it.

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The rest of the twelfth precinct did eventually start to drifted away that night, a recognition seeping into them that nothing would be known soon. Despite the hopes of everyone there the situation just wasn't going to be resolved quickly. As the clock approached midnight there were only three of them left, Martha and Alexis huddled together once again.

Kate sat apart, having separated herself, needing to be alone, to have some distance; trying to remain calm, to process the decision still laying heavy on her shoulders. Ryan had left earlier, needing to go home to his wife, to tell her in person about what was going on away from the stark reality of a hospital. Lanie had also left to go get a little sleep before her next shift, telling Kate she'd drop by again as soon as she could. Esposito had wandered off as some point and Kate honestly had no idea where he had gone.

"Okay ladies it is time to get take a break, to regroup," Martha voice jarred both Kate and Alexis out of their respective dozes.

"Grams?"

"Richard is going to be sedated until tomorrow morning at the earliest, we all need to go home shower, eat, whatever."

"I don't want to leave him, what.."

"He's not going to wake up tonight Katherine, you'll feel better coming back in the morning, sleeping in a real bed and taking a shower. I'm his mother, I'll stay up with him; when you get back we can trade custody. Go!"

Martha herded them out of the waiting area before giving them each a gentle push in the back in the direction of the exit.

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After a restless night of sleep Beckett was up very early, dawn only just breaking. She stood under the steaming flow of a hot shower, cleaning a day and nights worth of grime from her skin. She felt that so much more that simple dirt was holding her down weighing on her and she was still no closer to the final conversation she desperately needed to have. She pressed her fingers to the scar on her chest, recalling how it had led to concealment of such important things, and the almost ending of their relationship before it had even had the chance to start. Kate had needed time then, asked him to wait; and she had no similar time to offer him now, needing immediate answers about futures and fates.

Stepping out of the shower she dried and dressed quickly, casually rather than in her usual detective-wear having no plans to head to the precinct: only one destination in kind for the day, Castle's hospital room. Beckett did need to clear the day though, needed to drop in a quick call to Gates to clear a vacation day.

Getting into the hospital proved a little more challenging than it had the day before; there was press outside. Castle wasn't exactly an A-list celebrity, but there were photographers being corralled outside the main entrance; so Beckett slipped in though the ambulance bay into the trauma centre and quickly headed to the intensive care ward and waiting area.

Martha was having a relatively animated conversation with Paula Hass as Kate walked up.

"I cannot believe you didn't call me yesterday Martha. I know I'm not family but seriously? The first I hear about this is a nugget on Page 6 this morning? Richard Castle injured, in critical condition. I needed to know, needed to know yesterday to keep this all under control."

Martha, who was looking worn and tired, replied crisply, "PR was not a primary consideration Paula. You just need to release a statement asking for privacy and keep things under control."

"How is he really?"

Kate closed the gap to Martha then, putting an arm around her shoulder in a reciprocal show of support to mimic the offer of yesterday, speaking up to take the burden from Martha, "He's still in serious condition Paula. That's all the press needs to know."

"Look at this and tell me that's all the press needs to know," Paula held out a copy of the NYPost open to the Page 6 column: "_Castle's in the Sky? Sources tell us that Richard Castle, best selling master of the macabre, took a bit of a flight off the front of a yellow cab yesterday afternoon and was rushed to Bellevue; no word form his publicist on his current status. We will, of course, keep out readers and his fans up to date with the latest as we uncover it._"

Martha was edging on irate, her previous calm demeanor fading way, "How did the press get this information Paula?"

Kate squeezed her arm around Martha, who she realized was likely reaching the end of her sleepless rope by now, "Probably a police scanner, he's well known Martha, especially to cops; it was likely a accidental leak. Serious condition Paula, that's all they need to know."

"Ok, give me a moment." Paula turned away and pulled out her cell to make a call.

Beckett turned to Martha, hand still maintaining much need contact with her shoulder, "No news I assume?"

She shook her head, "I would have called."

"Ok, you should go, get some rest; I'll man the fort until you get back ok?"

"Thank you Katherine, you won't be alone long, Alexis just texted me, she's on her way."

Martha stared walking slowing out of the building, before Kate caught her and asked security to escort her around the cameras outside; she just didn't think Martha would want her picture taken right now, with lines at the corners of her eyes and day old makeup on.

Paula was stood waiting as Kate turned around, "She wants to talk to you, or Martha, but she left."

She gave Paula a questioning look, "Who?"

Paula passed the phone over to Kate, "Gina."

Kate hesitated then lifted the phone to her ear, "Gina?"

"Detective Beckett. I may not be his wife anymore but thought you might do the courtesy of keeping me up to date, or letting me know at all. Instead I hear it from Paula."

"Look Gina I don't owe you an update, but I'll let you know if anything changes ok? He's sedated right now, won't be waking up anytime soon and he's in serious condition. That's all I know, now you know it too. Satisfied?"

"It'll do. Goodbye detective."

Alexis arrived just as Gina hung up and Kate returned Paula's cell, looking refreshed around the edges but tension clearly visible in eye, walking straight up to Kate giving her quick hug, "Any news?"

"Nothing, Martha just left, I was going to go sit with him, but I can wait if you want to go in?"

"Thanks, I just want to look at him ok, I'll be out quick and you can spend seem time with him then. Oh.. and.. I called my mom las night, she's going to fly in, should be here Saturday sometime."

"_Meredith_ is coming?"

"Yeah, she insisted when I told her he was hurt."

Beckett went to sit, the future looking particularly unpleasant; Meredith inbound, and Gina likely to be constantly looking over her shoulder throughout. After a few minutes sitting Alexis came back out of Castle's room before indicating she's get a couple of coffees and heading toward the cafeteria.

Kate walking in to see him for the fist time that day, he looked no better, still mummified with only a little skin visible in his face around the bandages. What little there was though, she had to touch.

"Hi Rick. Come back ok? I'm waiting to talk ok? I miss you Rick."

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By early Friday morning a routine had been established, rotating Martha, Alexis, and Beckett into Castle's room for two hour shifts; each of them simply sat and watched him. If they talked to him, they did not share what was said with the others. While off Castle watch duty they would ensure food, coffee, whatever was needed was in free supply.

Beckett had little to say to him truthful, beyond repetitions of "Come back to me" and "Talk to me Rick". After one particular iteration of her needs, his eyes fluttered and her heart almost stopped. She waited a moment, but nothing future happened and she reached to press the call button. Settling back it watch and wait for future developments.

"Detective Beckett?" A nurses entered the room looking at her questioningly as she moved to check Castle's vital signs. "Something changed?"

Beckett watched her as she worked, responding softly, "His eyes fluttered."

"That's a good sign, as you know he was tapered off sedatives yesterday, but he'll still be in an enormous amount of pain given his injuries. I'm going to give him something to proactively managed that."

Kate watched as Denise picked up a syringe from for a tray she had carried with her.

"Don't you need a doctor to prescribe something first?"

Denise flashed a quick, easy smile over to Beckett, "I'm a nurse practitioner Detective Beckett, I'm authorized; no need to call vice on me."

"I though Harry was the nurse practitioner for Castle on this shift?"

"Harry too Detective, Mister Castle is a high profile patient; his mother has pulled out all the stops from what I hear, Doctor Andrews is the best consulting neurologist in the city. I'm going to call in her and Doctors James to check on him now. Excuse me."

Checks were made, with Doctor James once again emphasizing that things looked as positive as they could right now, only time would tell, and the consequences of his head injuries, if any, were difficult to predict at the current stage. Doctor Andrews, whom Martha had welcomed with a hug, had essentially confirmed the same; indicating she was here to monitor Castle, but the outlook and current uncertainty would be substantially clarified once the patient woke up.

Doctor James once again spoke up eventually, "He is starting to wake up. That is very positive news, occurring so soon after injuries this extensive. Under these circumstances we're going to allow multiple people in his room when he does wake, a few familiar faces might help him remain calm."

They all monitored Castle more closely then before as his eye flutters grew more frequent and he made occasional noises. Eventually they all gathered in his room when Doctor Andrews indicated he as likely to wake in the very near future, Alexis closest where she could reach out and touch his face, but hands clapped tightly together in front of her, knuckles pale. Martha next, with her arm around the shoulder of Alexis, giving her regular, gentle squeezes, life a slow beating heart transferring it's life to everything touched.

Beckett stood a little apart still, closer to the nurse practitioners and doctors, than to Castle's family. Every time his eyes fluttered there were small gasps of hesitations in the regular in-out breathing permeating the room. Slowly the flutters clustered closer and closer together, until finally his eyes cracked open, then slipped back closed with a single groaned word.

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Castle finally felt real consciousness start to return, the darkness had finally recede enough. Absolutely every part of him hurt, but the numbed pain that felt it belong to someone else, or someplace else; distant from his own body.

He so desperately wanted to wake though, he felt odd, like something had happened. Though his limbs felt so heavy his eye lids were ultimately cooperative. He blinked open his eyes, fluttering them against the assault of the bright light in the room, until he finally managed to squeak out a single word, "Bright!"

Someone apparently heard him and understood his plight, and few moments later when he cracked open his eyes once again there was a much more subdued light surrounding him. He managed to keep his eyes open for a few moments, looking around the unfamiliar faces in the room; so many doctors and nurses. He surmised that his injuries must have been extensive, or they all wanted to see the famous author wake up.

His gaze finally landed on Martha and he smiled weakly at her, before moving on to the other red head, who bore a striking resemblance to Alexis. Something was wrong though, she didn't look quite right, the tears on her face and the happy smile did not alleviate his growing sense that something was very wrong.

Castle flicked his gaze quickly around the room again, looking for another face, "Gina?"

One of the others in the room, not hospital staff judging from the lack of scrubs, spoke up then, a little sharp, questioning, "Gina?"

"My wife," but that was all he could manage before his eyes closed once again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: I've done some research here too, but maybe ended up taking a few liberties (probably less than you might think though). Interesting range of reactions too, thanks for all the reviews; I try to respond to each one personally! With at least you thank you, more if I can. Apparently I'm awful at building suspense...**

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As soon as Castle closed his eyes again, before any one else had chance to more than murmur with surprise, Doctor Andrews had stepped forward raised her hands and gestured everyone out of the room giving indications for silence.

She spoke when everyone had stepped outside, maintaining a quiet controlled voice, "Martha, let's move this discussion to the waiting area okay?"

Both Kate and Alexis remained speechless as they were guided back to the intensive care waiting room, questions running through their respective heads. No fewer questions running rampant in Martha's, but she felt confident her old friend Evelyn, rather than Doctor Andrews, consulting neurologist, would explain it all and address her worries in short order. At least that's what she repeated to herself, over and over in her head.

It was early morning on a Friday, the waiting area was otherwise unoccupied, making the large room as private as could be reasonably expected in an intensive care unit. Doctor Andrews stopped sharply in he middle of the room, turning to face Martha and Alexis.

"For Clarity again Martha, do I have permission to discuss Richard's case in front of Detective Beckett?"

Martha nodded her consent, unsure where everything was headed, but right now only concerned about his health, and in all likelihood Richard would want Katherine to know what was going on regardless of the state of their relationship.

"Well, thank you, okay... Obviously things are very unclear right now. It is not at all unusual for victims of traumatic brain injuries to suffer from some sort of amnesia, and is most cases the effect are transitory and effect only recent memories."

Alexis brought up the issue that she knew was on the mind of at least herself, probably Kate and Martha too, "Recent memories? My dad hasn't be married to Gina for years."

"Miss Castle, I may need more specifics on the time line of your father's life later; but for now I just want to provide you with a little information. Okay?"

"Sure doctor, I just.. I just want to know what's going on with my dad."

Beckett stepped beside Alexis giving her a quick one armed hug, "We all do Alexis, we all do."

Doctor Andrews gave them a moment to regather themselves before continuing, "Large scale retrograde amnesia is quite rare, short-term confusion far more common when a patient wakes after a significant injury. When Richard wakes again I will hopefully be able to complete a more thorough assessment, and make a more precise diagnosis."

"Evelyn? You'll be able to tell if it's temporary?"

"Not exactly Martha, but confused memories leave holes rather than erasing periods of time, so in questioning the patient the goal is to establish what the most recent events remembered are. If those memories are recent, however spotty they may be then it is far more likely the missing ones are only temporarily gone."

"If the most recent memories are the distant past?"

"Well let's cross that bridge when we come to it. All that said, since assessment of his status both now and during his near-term evaluation is contingent on establishing what he remembers, it is essential that none of you prompt him with information."

"What can we say doctor? When he was married to Gina I was a teenager, he's going to know something is wrong as soon as he looks at me properly."

"That's why I will try and complete my assessment very shortly after he wakes, if he does ask questions, then try and be as brief as possible for now. It's important to not add confusion to the matter though, do not make up a story to avoid answering, just dodge the question if necessary. He may accuse you of being evasive, but it needs to be done; and right now, what's best for Mister Castle should be our primary concern."

Doctor Andrews looked from face to face, waiting for each to acknowledge what she had said before moving to the next. When she had received an affirmative response from them all there was a final nod from her too, "Okay, so I will be reviewing his brain scans taken in the trauma center while we wait, if his condition changes the nursing staff or Doctor James will update me."

"Thank you Evelyn, we'll all just hope for the best."

She smiled at everyone, trying to add some comfort, to keep everyone focused on the good news of how well he was doing, "Relax everyone, the scary part is over; physically he appears to be doing very, very well all things considered."

Alexis turned away walking back towards her fathers room, "I'm going to go sit with him for a while."

Doctor Andrews turned to Martha as she watch Alexis move slowly down the corridor, "Martha, I need some information from you please; and Detective Beckett there are few things I need from you too, preferably before Mister Castle wake again."

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Kate was back to pacing in the waiting area ten minutes later after answering a few questions for Doctor Andrews and promising to have some requested photos emailed over promptly. Martha was still being grilled by Evelyn about all aspects of Castle's life from childhood until recent events; and Kate promised she'd update people on his status.

Kate couldn't help but wonder: why did everything have to be so complicated? She pulled out her phone to call her confidant, needing to hear a voice that knew her well.

"Lanie Parrish."

"Lanie, I need... It's.. I don't know what to do Lanie."

"Girl you sound upset, is Castle alright?"

"Depends on what you mean by alright."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"He woke up, briefly. He asked for Gina."

There was almost screech down the phone, "What!?"

"Said he wanted to see his wife."

There was no question in Lanie's mind that Kate only feeding her dribs and drabs, "Girl! You are not telling me everything are you? What did the doctors say?"

"They think it might be temporary memory loss, or maybe amnesia; they don't know."

"So he might really think he's still married to her? Look Kate its not like memory problems are unusual after sever head injuries, it's the most likely explanation."

"What if it isn't? What if he's just decided he'd rather have Gina than me again? Wouldn't be the first time."

"Kate I think things are a bit different between you and him than they were back then."

"What if they aren't? I'm supposed to just wait around for him to get his head out of his ass and realized Gina isn't right for him? Again?"

"What do you mean again? He dumped Gina way before you broke up with Josh, he was the one waiting Kate, you know that; he waited a long time for you to be ready."

"I don't have time for this! I don't have time for him to get his act together this time Lanie!"

"Girlfriend! Get over yourself or I'm gonna come over there and smack you! You're my best friend and I know this is a difficult time for you but seriously? He's had a head injury, memory problems; this isn't act he can get together. He needs to heal, and that's going to take time."

"What if he's just faking it? Doesn't want to talk to me about what's going on so he's pretending to forgot all about us?"

"Kate! You seriously think he'd fake amnesia to avoid a hard conversation? He'd put Alexis through that? His mother? He'd put you through that? What kind of man do you think he is?"

Kate was staring down at her phone. She'd hung-up on her best friend, that last comment hitting a little too close to home. She realized that she was probably being a little unfair, a little irrational; but it felt so good to blame, to be angry at him rather than to wallow in the difficulty of the decision still hanging over her head. She couldn't let his injury dictate her decision, the direction of her life, anymore than she could their relationship; it had to be her choice, her decision, or she'd end up resenting him for what reason it was that she felt trapped by.

He phone beeped a minute later with a message from Lanie: [When u calm down. Call if need 2 talk. Here 4 u.] She responded with a simply [thx] but didn't feel up to talking to Lanie, who seemed to be a bit more antagonistic than she wanted to deal with today.

Kate supposed she owed Gina a call, both with a promised update and because he'd asked for her; despite her personal feelings on the matter she had responsibilities. In the end she had to stick her head back into Martha discussion with Evelyn to get Gina's personal cell number, having never had a reason to store in her phone before.

"Gina Cowell speaking."

Kate tried to put stick with her most professional voice, but it was hard to even acknowledge the name she had to speak after what had happened earlier, "Gina it's Detective Beckett."

"Detective Beckett, I assume there's more information? How is he?"

The next few words she had to speak, to acknowledge verbally to Gina what had been said were hard, beyond hard, they felt strange, thick rolling off her tongue, lie her mouth didn't want to let them escape, "He woke up a little while ago, but seems confused about some things. He asked for you, said you were his wife."

"Really?!"

Unsure if it was shock or excitement laced through Gina's voice Kate needed to pop that bubble right away; it was amnesia, nothing but amnesia that made him ask for Gina, "The doctors here think it's normal memory confusion after a head injury, but they aren't sure yet."

"So it might all be rectified in short order?"

"Maybe. They don't know. I just wanted to let you know."

"Thank you detective, I'll try and stop by the hospital when I have some free time. Full day of meetings today though, it'll be later."

No matter how Castle felt about Gina now, there was little doubt in Kate's mind that Gina had little more than a professional loyalty to him. If it was anything more than that surely she would have visited before now, rearranged her schedule a little to fit Castle in?

Kate sat back down in an uncomfortable waiting room chair and ran through the rest of her calls, updating Ryan, Esposito, a quick update for Gates; even remembering to call Paula.

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Richard felt awareness return gain, slowly he became aware of the sounds in the room, the regular beeping of what he suspected was his pulse. He cracked his eyes, to find that the room was still lit by subdued ambient light rather than bright overhead neon. There was a mound of red hair resting on his bed, and he smiled internally; knowing it could only be one person.

"Alexis."

Alexis jerked her head up at the sound of the whisper, raising it from where it was resting near her fathers shoulder, putting a crick in her neck, to where she could look into his now open eyes. She'd been resting, needing to be near him, for an hour now; half way through her allot share of time, and grateful she was the one who saw him wake up again.

"Hi dad, how are feeling?" She reached out to press the nurse call button, then focused her college in divided attention on his slightly glassy eyes.

Just watching Alexis sit up he knew something was wrong, not just wrong with him but with the world, his daughter should not look so big, she was still supposed to be his little girl, "I hurt. What happened? Why are you so big Pumpkin?"

Alexis had planned for this, she was ready, prepared with a leaf taken from her LaserTag play book: dodge, evade, conceal, "Just rest dad, the nurse will be here soon."

"Was I in a coma? Tell me I was in coma. Rip van Castle right? Did I rate a story in the Post?"

None specific evasive responses, that's what the doctor ordered: "What are you taking about dad?"

He knew without a shadow of doubt it would make such a great story, "You know how it goes, the headline, the story; Castle Escapes! Richard Castle has finally escaped the walled off fortress of his mind after whiling away the last 5 years? Has it been 10 years Alexis? How long?"

The key to proper concealment Alexis knew was in making things look like they are appropriate, such as her concern for his physical condition, "How's you leg feeling dad?"

Apparently in getting bigger his little girl had also gotten smarter, more cunning; well he could out maneuver her still, he was her dad! Dodge this: "I may be drugged Pumpkin, but you are not 13 anymore. How old _are_ you?"

Alexis was opening her mouth to reply, though not entirely sure what to say when Nurse Denise walked in. She almost thrust her arms above her head in victory: Saved!

"Ahh! The patient is awake? How are you Mister Castle? How's the pain?"

"I feel woosy. I hurt. What can I say? I have enough scaffolding to support the Statue of Liberty wrapped around my leg."

Denise let out a small chuckle, "Okay Mister Castle, always nice to see patients in good spirits. I'm going to page Doctor Andrews, she'll want to talk to you right away. Just rest easy for now."

As she left Castle turned to Alexis, and smirked, "Where can I go? I have a broken leg apparently, maybe two, they're both numb."

"Just rest a minute dad, okay."

Rest was for later, he wanted to know his own story, had a compulsion to find out others'; had never realized before how he'd feel if he was missing part of his own, it was eating him up already.

"Not a coma right Alexis? How would I break a leg and get this messed up in coma? Unless a organ harvesting ring tried to snatch my body while I was unconscious. Then dropped me from a window as an escape plan. That's it right?"

"No dad. Nobody tried to kidnap your unconscious body."

"Wouldn't be a kidnap any way, I'm too old, it'd be an abduction."

"Just stop dad! The doctor needs to speak to you, then we can probably find out what's going on okay?"

"Sure Pumpkin, everything is going to be fine. Umm... Can you get me some water please, I feel a little dry now."

"Okay dad."

Alexis steeped out of the suite to get a glass of water, but when heading back I she was intercepted by Doctor Andrews.

"Miss Castle, I'm going to need some time alone with your father while I assess him, I'll take him the water; why don't you go as join Martha in the waiting area?"

"Ok sure, how long will you need?"

"Perhaps an hour, but however long it takes."

Alexis watched her enter the room and then walked back to the waiting area seeing both Martha and Kate sitting, waiting.

"He woke up again. Doctor Andrews is with him now."

Kate looked up immediate, a hopeful look trying to find a foothold on her face, "Did he say anything new? Remember anything?"

"Sorry. No. Just that I didn't look like I was 13 anymore and should. He knows something is off, thought he might have been in a coma."

"He doesn't now?"

"No, too many details didn't match, the story didn't hang together; and the story always has work in his head for him to be happy, for him to stop trying to fix it."

Martha held out a hand to pull Alexis into the seat next to her, murmuring into her hair, "Relax Pumpkin, everything will be ok, let Evelyn do her assessment and then well know more. Rest."

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Castle watched another doctor push into his suite, this one carrying a glass of what that she placed within easy reach of his hand before pulling up a stool to sit down beside his bed.

"Mister Castle, I'm Doctor Evelyn Andrews, your neurologist. A pleasure to see you again, a little more awake this time."

"I have a neurologist? You think I'm crazy or something?"

"Not crazy, no Mister Castle."

"That'd be a psychiatrist anyway. But you think something is wrong, right? Or you wouldn't be here. Can you stop with the Mister Castle? Rick or Richard please."

"Certainly Richard. I'm just going to ask some questions okay?"

"I suppose, but what do you think is wrong with me? Brain damage? I wasn't in a coma I know that much, but that doesn't mean I don't have brain damage."

"What exactly did Miss Castle tell you Richard?"

"Precisely? Nothing. But she is not 13. And that is how old I remember her being this morning when I made her breakfast."

"Why don't we focus on assessing you rather than you quizzing me?"

"Sure I guess. Go ahead."

"Well stay out with some basic knowledge questions okay?"

"Sure."

"What year is it?"

"That's a trick question already. I mean you want me to say 2007, but I know it's not true; Alexis is too big for it to be 2007."

"Who is the President?"

"George Bush. The second one. Not now though. Term limits. Who's the President now? Must be either Romney or Clinton, Hillary not Bill."

"Okay Richard, how about some personal questions?"

Rick smirked an her, sure she was his mothers age, but a little charm never hurt, "Sure, but not too personal. I am married you know."

"Who is your wife?"

"Gina Cowell. Who's haven't seen here but the way, is she out of town? Why isn't she here?"

"How did you meet?"

"She was my publicist, now she's my editor."

"What does she edit?"

"Well, I'm a writer. Well, a New York Times best selling author, the master of the macabre to be precise, if you believe my publicist at least."

"Can you tell me the name of your first book?"

"In a Hail of Bullets. It won awards."

"What about your most recent one?"

"Storm Rising, my sixth Derrick Storm book. You want to know them all? The first one was A Calm Before The Storm, then Storm's Break, Storm Warning, Unholy Storm, Gathering Storm, Storm Rising; and I've just finished Driving Storm but haven't turned in the manuscript yet. Might have been published while I was sleeping though. You want all the other books I've written?"

"That won't be necessary Richard."

"I can list them all, plus their peak position on the bestseller list if you want. My memory is fine!"

"You're doing great Richard. Just a few more things."

Doctor Andrews the pulled out a tablet and placed it in front of him, pulling up a familiar picture, the front of his loft building.

"Now Richard I want you to look at each of these pictures carefully, tell me which ones you recognize, or seem familiar and why; the as no right or wrong answers, just tell me what you think."

"I have some sort of amnesia don't I?"

"Just go through the pictures please Richard, I'll talk over everything with you later. Don't expect to recognize all or even most Richard, some are controls; so there's no point trying to cheat the test."

He grabbed his glass of water to refresh his dry throat and started flipping slowly through the pictures, which included familiar and unfamiliar places, faces, and what appeared to be news paper headlines and other news photographs.

It was a slow process, so many familiar picture, but he knew the whole process was a memory test; with lost of dummy pictures to keep him honest; a couple of unfamiliar apartment buildings, a few police precincts, not including the one where he was taken after his arrest; so many faces too, one he presumed was a newly famous model that he wasn't familiar with, but there were so many other strange faces too.

When he had finished, Doctor Andrews, who had been taking continuous notes and questioning him throughout, took the tablet from his hands, speaking gently, "You need to rest now, that was a lot of strain given your injuries. If you have any signs of developing a headache press the call button and Denise will given you something to help. Seriously Richard, any sign of a headache, press the button."

Castle wasn't really paying attention by then, he felt incredibly worn down and was drifting off to sleep again.

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Doctor Andrews approached the waiting area, seeing three women sitting together in companionable silence.

"Ladies, I cleared one one the counseling rooms if you'd care to join me."

After everyone had filed in, water glass provided, Doctor Andrews began what sounds like a formal presentation.

Doctor Andrews has a firm, no nonsense professional tone, not harsh, but clearly expecting to be listened to, "Mister Castle has, as you know, suffered substantial injuries as the result of being struck by a vehicle. His skeletal injuries have largely been dealt with, though he remains in significant pain, and there is no internal bleeding; his head injury is more complex."

"The good news is he's showing remarkable resilience from those physical injuries, he will be moved shortly to a private recovery room to free up space in this intensive care unit."

Alexis visibly relaxed at ht, he was being moved from intensive care, he must be out of the woods, "He's doing ok then?"

"Physically yes, there is the other issue though. His skull in fracture but has been surgically repaired; that though does not address the injury to his brain. He suffered what we call a traumatic brain injury, you are likely familiar with concussions, which are the mildest form of such injuries. They alone can cause significant problems, sensitivity to light, headaches, dizziness, and other compilations; they can also have an impact on memory."

"Typically traumatic brain injuries effect episodic memory rather than procedural memory, which is why Mister Castle has no speech problems and is unlikely to have any problem with day to day activities such as walking, beyond the rehabilitation a needed his physical injuries at least. Traumatic injuries such as this can cause issues beyond memory loss, including personality changes, these other issues will have to be monitored for."

Martha held up a hand, interrupting the flow of information, "Evelyn, this is fascinating but what is wrong with my son?"

"Sorry Martha, habit; my assessment including examining his brain scans and my interview, indicates retrograde amnesia, that is the complete loss of episodic and autobiographical memory from periods from the middle of 2007 to today."

Kate felt her eyes start to water, she was not the sort to cry in public, to show any sort of weakness in public; but this was too much, his memories of their entire history were gone. Their stumbles apart, inevitable attraction back together, everything gone by virtue of a mistimed stumble off a curb. She managed to squeeze out some words from her lips, which were pressed tight together to prevent them from quivering, "Will he get them back?"

"Unfortunately Detective that is where retrograde amnesia is so hard to predict. In some cases there is complete and relatively rapid recovery of memories, in others it's a slow process; and in some cases I'm afraid portions of the memories are never recovered. I understand that this is hard, particularly for you; during the assessment he did not recognize your picture, any other current personnel, or indeed the building itself of the 12th precinct."

Alexis had tear tracks down her face, while the suspicion of memory loss had been hard to bear, the confirmation of potential permanent loss of years was a major blow, "Can't we prod him? Show him pictures? My graduation video, he loved it!"

"Prompting is not really an effective tool for dealing with retrograde amnesia I'm afraid, memories when the do return often do so spontaneously, often during sleep. What we do know is that typically older memories are more likely to return, the pathways are more established."

"What are his chances of recovering memories?"

"I do not like to speculate.."

"Evelyn, for me, speak to me as my friend not Doctor Andrews."

Evelyn tone lost some of its clipped professional edge as she continued, clearly this part of the discussion was something she was not doing from a carefully placed position behind a professional veil, "Well... Purely speculating, I have been doing this along time, seen a lot of cases: so I'd say this is better than a layman's guess; but still don't put too much weight on what I'm about to say. Most likely? Given the damage on the scans, and the scale of the amnesia, he most likely will never fully recovers the missing memories. A good chance he recovers some though, give the length time missing. Best guess, and this really is a guess, maybe he eventually recovers half, begins to remember time periods up to about 2010."

Kate felt a tear running down her cheek, a tightness in her chest; even the best hope was horrible, perhaps worse than not remembering them at all. If he recovered those years all he would remember would be her irritation at him, how in the end they'd ended up separated, her alone but unknown to him, and him getting back together with Gina. If Evelyn was right, their history as a couple would be gone forever; her question about their future answered: they had none because they had no past either.

Alexis had dropped out of her chair to throw her arms around Martha, both needing companionship. Kate reached a hand across the table toward them, but they were to wrapped up in each other to notice anyone else in that moment.

"Ladies! All is not lost, even memories that are not recovered can be rebuilt, experiences relived, stories told to him; he can relearn the things forgotten. He clearly has the support of the three of you and countless others I'm sure, many others, his life is not over, his life with you is not over."

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Kate had immediately exited the meeting then, glancing at the others as she almost shuffled out of the room. No matter what was going to happen she needed to see him now. She approached his room hesitatingly, not sure what to say, not sure what to do; other than look at him.

When she stepped into his suite it appeared he was sleeping, but nonetheless a sense of warmth flowed through her at sound of the beeping heart monitor. _Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive._

His eyes opened as she approached the bed, and she wondered: did his body sense her familiarity even if his mind and memories did not? Kate tried to smile at him, but everything hurt so much, she wasn't honestly sure what expression showed on her face, "Hello?"

His response, from what she could see of his face was one of confusion, "What are you doing here?"

Kate felt her pulse pick up, "Do you recognized me Castle?"

"Well Doctor Andrews showed me a lot pictures and you were one of them, I thought you were a model or something."

Her heart fell, a better description might be plummeted, it was one thing for the doctor to tell her she was unrecognized, another thing to hear it from lips that had told her she was loved, was extraordinary, that they were always.

"Am I supposed to know you?"

She could hear the blood rushing through her veins now, a pounding sound in her ears, a slight feeling of lightheadedness creeping up on her, it was too hard to contemplate telling him everything now, everything they had been to each other; to much to contemplate at the moment when he knew nothing of her, "Yeah Castle, I'm a NYPD detective, you helped out on some cases."

"I did? Why do you keep calling me Castle? My friends call me Rick or Richard. I take it we didn't know each other particularly well?"

Beckett had picked up one case early in her career where the vic was killed by an unmedicated mental patient who saw vampires everywhere. Castle would have loved it: the guy killed his landlady with a stake through the heart. Kate was now certain she knew exactly what that felt like.

"You don't have any memory of us at all do you Rick. You don't know who I am."

"I'm sorry, but no, I really have no idea."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: Dedicated to _thaolu9_ for the general starting concept! Never forget _Flashpoint33_ though for the general inspiration of her work! I think I should stop writing this, because it seriously cannot stand to be in the same room as '226 Miles' particularly Chapters 16/17...**

**A/N 2 (but not lesser!): Special thanks to my beta (elizabeth . bynog) for all the correction & comments.**

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Beckett made quick exit from his room, the intensive care unit, and indeed the hospital: making an almost begging phone call to her father, to meet at the diner again. The only real thought rolling through her head as she sat in the cab was that Castle, and even more importantly Rick, had absolutely no idea who she was.

She arrived first, she'd expected it, expected to have to wait; to have time to process, to organize her thoughts, and sip her coffee. Nothing was helping though, couldn't even drink the coffee, it just wasn't right; tasted stale, empty on her tongue. Kate's thoughts were a jumble, too many worries about Castle, herself, their apparently non-existent past and probably future. All clashing in her mind with a decision she would now have to make alone; a decision that may have completely changed in nature now.

She knew it was her father behind her even before he put a hand on her shoulder, "Katie? How are you? You sounded a little off on the phone."

Kate watched as her dad once again sat down opposite her, filling him in as he ordered coffee for himself, trying to keep to the facts, her one place of refuge now, "Castle's hurt dad, he got hit by a cab. It was an accident, but I wasn't with him at the time. Happened on Wednesday."

Jim's face was shocked, he appeared speechless for a moment, before collecting himself, "I'm so sorry. Is he going to be okay? And why am I only hearing of this now? It's Friday."

"He's going to be fine dad, he'll need rehab though, it'll be a long recovery. I was distracted dad, so much going on; I should have called you before, if just to cry on your shoulder instead of Martha's."

"That's not the whole story is it? The accident. Tell me Katie, don't make this like pulling teeth."

It was hard every time she thought about it, that he didn't remember, memories of them were lost in some amnesiac cloud, "Well, he's going to be physically fine dad, but he's got amnesia. Doesn't remember the last seven years. Doesn't remember me at all."

That was perhaps the worst case Jim could imagine, she'd lost her father to old memories for years as he drowned himself in an alcoholic stupor to try and deaden the loss of Johanna. "Oh Katie I'm so sorry! Will they come back? Amnesia is usually temporary right?"

That had been the one hope Kate had been hanging onto really, that all this would be temporary, his memories would come back quickly; until Evelyn's expert option that it may be a false hope. "Sometimes temporary dad. The doctor doesn't think all his memories will ever come back. He's probably never going to remember what we were to each other."

There was a click in his mind then, a reminder of their earlier conversation, of concerns and uncertainties she'd voiced before, "What were you to each other Katie? Did you ever decide? A couple of dancers having fun for a while, or something more? Something you'd never let happen before? Never let get this far."

She shook her head at him, "It doesn't matter now dad, whatever we were, whatever we were going to be has been wiped away. It's gone, we're over now."

He knew she was evading, as she had so many times before, "If you're so sure about all that why did you call me? You seemed upset, not sure Katie."

"I don't know dad, everything is so complicated now; I still need to make a decision about the job."

"I thought you'd decided? You said you wanted the job the last time we spoke here, you seemed very convinced about it."

"Just the last case dad, the interrogation after I left you here, it made me wonder a bit; a bit about what my life would be like if I took it. What I'd have to give up."

"What you'd have to give up by hiding in your work again? Is that what's holding you back Katie?"

A little bit of a defensive note crept into her tone, "What do you mean? I love my work, I don't hide in it; just sometimes get wrapped up that's all."

"But why? Do you want me to look at your situation as a lawyer Katie? Reason free from Passion?"

Sometimes her father could be so exasperating; philosophical discourse now? Really? "Is this really the time for Aristotle dad?"

"It is if you want to apply nothing but logic Katie, rather than you heart. Before, you told me you wanted the job, your only uncertainty seemed to be that you didn't want Rick to hate you, weren't sure if you could live with yourself if he did. But now you tell me he doesn't even remember you. He can't hate what he doesn't remember Katie."

Kate hadn't really let it sink in, no she didn't have to worry about being hated anymore, what that would do to her; but she didn't have anything else to look forward to either, "No dad, he's not going to hate me now; not going to love me either."

"What are you afraid of? A life without those emotions or a life with them? You dreamed of being a lawyer, following in your mother's footsteps. But only law should be reason free from passion Katie, life shouldn't be, life should be filled with emotion. Your mother's was Katie; she was passionate about me, us, justice. She was filled with passion and that's why I still miss her every day."

Kate felt a little of her backbone returning, her father had no right bringing up her mother like this, like she was letting her down, when he was the one who self-destructed, who let them both down, her tone hardened, "What do you think I should do dad? _Reject the job?_ I'd be great at it, I know I would, that's why they picked me. I'm passionate about my work, why can't that be enough?"

"I'm not trying to tell you want to do Katie, you're too stubborn to listen if I tried; but work has been bad habit for you sometimes, not a constructive one. Regardless of that, if you truly just want this job Katie, then you have nothing to hold you back anymore."

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"Yo Castle!"

Rick was distracted away from the television in his new room by the noisy entrance of two men. His self-acknowledged eye for detail meant that he recognized their faces from Doctor Andrews' long list of photographs earlier; beyond that though, nothing, nothing at all.

They were exciting though, they knew his name; so there must be some sort of connection between them, "Hello?"

The Hispanic one grinned at him, "Bro don't worry, we know; you don't recognized us right?"

"Actually I saw photos of you, I recognize the faces but I don't know who you are."

The other one spoke up for the first time, "Kevin Ryan, NYPD detective. He's Javier Esposito, also NYPD detective."

It all began to make sense, these must be a few of the other detectives he'd worked on cases with. "Ok guys. Hi. Kevin and Javier, you work with Kate?"

The two detectives glanced at each other, questioning glances exchanged, "Bro that just sounds weird."

Kevin looked positively uncomfortable, shifting slightly on his feet, "Seriously, sounds wrong coming out of your mouth like that Castle."

Rick glanced between the two, the conversation starting to feel a little surreal, "What? Why Castle? The other detective, Kate, she called me Castle too."

Javier apparently felt the need to fill him in, speaking like he would to a child, it was so mind numbingly obviously to him; maybe he thought Castle had more than memory loss. "It's a cop thing. Last names, everyone goes by last names. Ryan, Esposito, you called Kate Beckett too, that's just weird explaining her to you. We call you Castle."

"You write mysteries dude, how did you not know this already?"

"I write about private investigators and spies more than cops. At least recently."

The two detectives shared another knowing look, turning back and speaking simultaneously, "Not anymore." They looked at each other again after that, sharing a fist bump.

They knew more than they were letting on, more of his story, more of his life. "What? I've written books about cops? What are they? Come on guys! Tell me. Please!"

"Nah!"

"No way bro, we'll let someone else share that surprise. Just wanted to check on you, see you in person. You look great, for a guy that lost a fight with a yellow cab."

"I was hit by a cab?"

"Seriously dude has no one told you anything?"

No, it appeared everyone else had decided to treat him like a child, rather than the grown man he was, "Apparently not."

"Well, we'll shut up and get out of here then, before we spill any other secrets. See ya later."

"Bye Castle."

He watched them leave, a little confused by their rapid entrance and exit; they'd let some hints slip though, some things about him that he needed filled in. Nobody else to quiz right now though, and his head was starting to pound again, so he pressed the nurse call button before turning back to the television, back to yet another rerun of Temptation Lane.

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On arriving back at Bellevue Beckett found Castle had been moved, she'd been told it was going to happen, but was still shocked at how quickly things were moving. So little time in each place for him or her, so little time to find their footing before circumstances changed.

Approaching his new room in the general recovery department she heard voices, he appeared to be having the news of his condition broken to him. Unsure, Kate hesitated, should she go in? He didn't even remember her name, she had no real right to be present; they had no relationship anymore.

Martha was speaking, her voice projecting a perhaps false sense of confidence, but was relatively convincing regardless, "Richard, you have amnesia, you know that. I just told you that."

He was playing along, having a little fun, seriously he thought, it was pretty obvious hours ago that he had amnesia, but his mother only comes clean now? "I thought it might be a joke, you know, an elaborate prank; what day is it?"

"It's not your birthday Richard if that's what your wondering, and no this is not a prank."

Obviously not a prank, but still, so many things he just didn't know; what was true about his life now? "So I'm not married to Gina?"

Gina's voice broken in, she had obviously taken some time from her busy schedule to make an appearance, "We are divorced Richard. Have been for years. We didn't work out."

"You don't want to give it another chance? It's just to me I... Well I remember us as married. We had issues, but we were still married."

"We gave it another chance Richard, it didn't work out then either; you were too enamored with someone else."

Someone else? There was someone else? "Who?"

"Not my business anymore Richard. Anyway I just wanted to stop by and see how my favorite writer was doing. On the plus side, maybe you can write another Derrick Storm book since you don't remember killing him off!"

Rick's voice rose, "I killed Storm!?" The near screech was accompanied by a more rapid beeping of his heart rate monitor.

The firm, controlled voice of Doctor Andrews rang out, "Enough! Ms Cowell, please, he needs to remain calm, his blood pressure and pulse under control; Richard is still seriously injured."

"I understand, I'm leaving anyway; it was good to see you doing so well Richard."

Kate backed away from the door as Gina slipped out, studying her for a moment. Gina was, as always, very well put together, dress designed to show off her assets, perfectly styled hair, and stilettos accentuated her legs. She was the archetype of Castle's prior girlfriends, so different from Kate herself. Blonde, busty; not brunette, svelte. That had always confused her, made her uncertain; was his attraction to her the mark of something new or just a temporary aberration? An experiment?

Gina had completely stepped from the room, closing the door behind her, before she noticed Kate stood outside, "Detective Beckett? I'm surprised you're still here."

Her tone grated on Kate's nerves, maybe it was just the sound of all of Castle's ex-wives that grated on her nerves, "Why wouldn't I be here? My boyfriend is in there."

Gina's expression clearly indicated doubts about that, "Well I _suppose_. Anyway I cleared up the whole marriage issue, his memory really is a mess right now."

Kate could hardly stand the seeming lack of empathy shown, responding dryly, "Thanks for stopping by."

"I didn't do it for you Detective." Gina apparently couldn't resist tossing in a few additional last works, speaking over her shoulder as she paced down the corridor towards the elevators. "Anyway, he's all yours now."

All hers? Was he really all hers? How was a man who couldn't even remember her name be considered anything of hers? She was running out of time to call Freedman, a final decision had to be made. Made soon.

She could perhaps rebuild what she had with him, it would take time, investment; and be so difficult, so much of what they were was built on a foundation of working together, spending hours and hours of their days in constant company. He wouldn't be able to work at the precinct again for months at least; maybe never again given the damage to his legs. Kate hoped he'd fully recover, but didn't want to hold out for false hope; maybe that part of their lives was over no matter what decision she made.

Nothing about them was a sure thing, not of the sort that the job offered; she knew she could excel in the role if she dedicated herself to it. Could she excel with Rick though, was it a sure thing? Was he coming to the swings to break up with her? To make demands, give her an ultimatum? She didn't know, wasn't sure what the future held even when they'd had what felt like, until recently, a strong foundation. Now all that was gone.

Could she give up this monumental job opportunity for the potential of some future relationship with a man who no longer even knew her? A relationship that perhaps would go nowhere but to eventual failure anyway? Risk giving in to passion, only to have it burn out in the future, leaving her a hollow husk again? Or give in to the reason and logic of the job, just like the one that had kept her putting one foot in front of the other for years before she even met Castle.

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After Gina left the room Rick turned his gaze on Martha, "I was enamored? Do I have girlfriend mother? Am I married again? Gina said we were divorced, that would be two; did I do it again? Did it last? Mother! Answer me please, I need to know."

Martha could see him getting more agitated, Richard had always been a people person, playing the fool to gain attention and be liked; people, relationships, their stories, she knew it was what he lived for, and to be missing part of his own must be driving him crazy, or more crazy than normal. She was hesitating though, did he really need more stress right now? "Richard, please calm down dear, you're hurt!"

He turned to Alexis, a pleading look on his face, "Pumpkin? Please tell me what's going on."

"Grams... We have to tell him, to explain, he needs to know."

Rick was looking back and forth between his two favorite red heads, "What? What do I need to know?"

Martha nodded, she supposed it was time, he may not fully grasp everything with so much context missing, but he needed to know. She pulled Alexis towards her and both stepped up tight beside the bed, no need for any of this to be said too loudly, everyone needed to remain calm now.

Doctor Andrews stepped towards the door then, "If you can keep him calm Martha, tell him whatever he wants to know; the sooner he catches up the better. I'll leave you all alone."

Martha tried to convey in her tone just how much Kate meant to him, trying to channel Juliet speaking of Romeo, hoping the future wasn't as tragic for her son, "Yes Richard, you have a girlfriend, one you think the world of; I've never seen you love anyone else quite as much as you do Kate."

Rick twitched at the sound of a familiar name, "Kate? Detective Kate? The one who was in here earlier? I didn't remember her." He had remembered her, but not like that, just from the photo, she was certainly attractive though; she'd looked sad when they had talked, he had presumed just the sadness of seeing a friend hurt.

"I know Richard, you've known each other five years, that time is gone for now."

"How did we meet? What's our story?"

"I'd prefer to let you talk that out with Katherine, just.. you've had a long and complex relationship Richard, especially just recently."

"What happened? What was going on between us?"

"Again Richard that's between you and her." She reached into her pocket then, pulling out the ring as she continued, "Just know that you were carrying this when you had the accident."

Ricks eyes were slightly wide at the sight of the ring, and choked out, "That's an engagement ring! I was going to propose?"

Alexis reached out to touch his face, to provide some comfort to offset his obvious confusion, "We don't know dad."

"We don't know if you were going to, or had already when you had the accident. Only you and Katherine know that."

He unfurled his right hand and weakly wiggled his fingers, "Put it on my pinkie. I wanted to marry her. I loved her. But I don't remember her at all; she never said anything when she came to see me you know."

"Katherine has never been a woman of many words Richard, but she loved you too."

"You think I might have already asked and she said no?"

"Dad, we don't know; please don't run off on a wild theory chase now okay?"

Rick had tears in his eyes now, the pain of not knowing, not remembering so many important things, his own story, overwhelming the physical pain of his injuries. "I don't know what to do. I hate this. I don't remember one of the most important women in my life? What do I do?"

"All you can do Richard is talk to her when she comes back to see you."

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Beckett made her way out of the hospital, pulling her phone out again; time was up, her decision made. She thought back to the blank look on his face when he had told her that he didn't know who she was. Just the memory of it just reaffirmed her decision: the job was a great opportunity, and she had nothing worth staying for anyway.

Scrolling again through her recent call she hit connect and in moments was hearing a familiar voice, "Deputy Director Freedman's office. Danielle speaking."

"Danielle, it's Katherine Beckett; I'd like to speak to him please. I have his answer."

"I'll put you right through Detective."

After only a momentary silence Freedman's voice once again challenged her, "Detective Beckett, you have an answer for me?"

Kate felt a momentary hesitation run though her; there was nothing to hold her back now, it was time to take the next career step, and move on from a relationship that was no more, "Agent Beckett sir. When do I start?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: What can I say, I had a lot of trouble with this chapter. So... I started reading '_Justice For Hedgehogs_' instead of writing, I thought there'd be a delay. [Umm, yeah; I also wrote 'Watergate' which was an unpopular decision; If ever mentioned again it shall hereafter be named 'Waterhate'] Follow the hedgehog for it shall show you the path. Chapter 6 is written too now (rough, not filled out yet!)**

**A/N 2: To the 'guest' review of chapter 4 who asked for a happy fic, well I'll see what I can do for the next one; all this angst and stress is giving me an ulcer. I have been reading everyone's reviews, but taking a break from responding individually right now because I have this urge to explain things when I do; and I can't be having that right now. Sorry.**

**Beta Note: Special thanks once again to my beta (_elizabeth . bynog_) for all the corrections & comments; and for struggling through all the technical challenges for this chapter.**

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Martha was sitting beside Richard's bed, both of them watching yet another rerun of Temptation Lane when her phone pinged. She may have been of an older generation than Alexis, but nothing beat the convenience of text messaging for setting up evening assignations. Glancing down at it she saw it was from Paula, simply saying [Page 6 website]. Unfortunately that was a bit more complicated, text messages she could handle with a certain aplomb, but websites on her phone?

"Richard? Do you have your iPad?"

"Nope. Too much eye strain or brain strain or something." They wouldn't let him have any to read either, or anything to write with; he was getting incredibly frustrated and irritated having absolute to nothing to do. Bored, and he remembered that bored Rick was irritated Rick; prone to doing all sorts of things he shouldn't, like irritating his mother just because he could. She'd called him petulant in the past, when he was bored, but kids were petulant, adults were irritated; and he was definitely an adult. A bored and irritated one.

"Then why is the television on?"

"Not supposed to be."

"Well turn it off!"

"Nope."

"Richard, you must look after yourself. Please? For me, for Alexis."

"Why give me the remote if it's supposed to be off? Just unplug.."

Martha prompt stood up, walked across the room and did precisely that: pulled the plug. "Well that's one problem solved Richard."

"Hey! That was the only entertainment I had. I'm just gonna have to go back to plotting steamy sex scenes between Derrick and Clara in my head now."

"Richard!"

"Plug the television back in and I'll stop."

"No. Anyway, Paula say we need to look at the Page 6 website."

"Well that can't be good."

"Probably not, so how do I do it?"

"With your phone."

"I know that! How?"

"Give it to me."

"No, you shouldn't be moving around that much. We should wait for Alexis to get back. She's only gone to fetch dinner, something better than hospital food."

"If I can work a remote, I can work your phone. Now give it to me!"

After a little bit of fiddling, they managed to get the Page 6 website up on the phone, and after some squinting managed to discern what it said.

"_Forgotten Castle? Rumors are flying that Richard Castle, losing participant in a game of vehicular tag earlier this week, is suffering from amnesia, and not a little bit of it but years worth. Enough that it may take Derrick Storm, private investigator extraordinaire, coming out of retirement to find those memories again. More as we hear it!_"

There were few who knew about his amnesia as this stage, family and a few detectives, it seemed unlikely that any of them would be a source of a leak. Maybe one of the detectives or nurses had been slipped a $100 to spill the story, he didn't know them well enough to gauge. Paula was a possibility, but she had given them the heads up, and had always been loyal, always followed his instructions, primarily in protecting Alexis rather than him, but still it seemed unlikely. He remembered the earlier discussion with his not-wife, how she'd brought up Derrick Storm; that perhaps he could make a comeback. Gina seemed the most likely source, and he could test his understanding of their relationship, a little feeling out of where things stood, with this latest little nugget, "Well I think I know why I divorced Gina. Sneaky much?"

"Personally I'll take Gina over Meredith anytime. Do you want to speak to Paula?"

Interesting but inconclusive data point, he didn't trust Meredith an inch either, even though she was his daughter's mother, and far more adventurous in the sack than Gina had even been; so not exactly an endorsement of Gina, nicely ambiguous really. Well played Mother!

"No point in calling Paula Mother, it's true anyway right? I suppose she should release an official statement though."

Martha knew he was used to living his life in the public eye, but still, some things should remain private; and Gina should have kept this health information confidential, "I'll call her right now Richard, tell her to ask for privacy too."

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Beckett stepped off the elevator on the homicide floor of the 12th precinct, it had been her home away from home for so many years now, so many cases investigated and closed; to leave it behind would be hard, but just as she'd moved on from patrol, to vice, and eventually to homicide, she'd settle into her new role in DC, have plenty of work to distract her.

Ryan and Espo were at their desks, looking up as she approached, noting the lack of her normal wardrobe; a more relaxed outfit appropriate for a day spent stressing at the hospital.

"Hey Beckett, how's Castle?"

"No change guys, you going to be here a little bit? I need to speak to Gates then I need to tell you something okay? The break room in ten minutes?"

They guys looked at each other, they knew something had been going on before Castle was hurt, then the whole accident just pushed that to the back of their minds, but maybe it was finally going to come out. They both nodded and made affirmative noises, watching as Beckett moved towards Gates' office.

"Sir? You have a few minutes?"

"Detective Beckett, absolutely. How is Mister Castle doing?"

"No changes sir. Physically he has a long road ahead, the amnesia, well they don't really know how that's going to play out."

"Well, give him my best wishes when you see him again. Now what else can I do for you? Need a few more days off?"

"No sir. Well, yes sir, but not for that. I've verbally accepted the offer sir, the federal job in DC."

"Well congratulations Detective, I won't say I'll be happy losing my best detective; but your team has an extraordinary track record and you deserve the recognition it's brought."

"I need to turn in resignation paper work, to you I suppose?"

"Yes. You can get the forms from HR on 2. When you have prepped a packet, bring it in, make sure it's signed, and I'll forward on to 1PP with my approval signature too. I'll pull you off the rotation starting right now."

Beckett stood then and offered her hand across the desk, "It's been an honor sir."

Gates gave her a firm handshake, and a warm smile, "It has. Good luck Beckett, I have high hopes for you."

The guys were waiting for her in the break room when she joined them, busy making themselves an afternoon coffee. Beckett had to stop and stare. The coffee she had survived on for so long, that had been the fuel for her investigations had long since stopped being simple coffee, each morning it had been far more than the energy needed to start a day, and when it hasn't been hand delivered she had missed it, missed the delivery guy too. The last few days coffee had been something else, not battery acid in monkey pee, but something that hurt going down just as much.

Ryan was the first to notice her, giving Esposito a nudge before turning to face her, cappuccino in hand, "Beckett you want a coffee? I know you can't really work this thing without Castle to hold your hand."

"I can make my own coffee you know."

"We know Beckett, you just prefer his. Anyway, what's going on? Why do you need to tell us?"

Best pull the bandaid off quickly she supposed, no need to drag it out, "I got a job offer working for the Attorney General's office, a federal task force. Guys... I accepted."

They both just stood staring at her for a while before Esposito spoke up, "What? Run that by us again."

"I'm leaving. Moving to DC."

"You're quitting the NYPD? What about the team? What about Castle? This is the first we hear about it?"

"Guys, it's been great working with you but it's time for me to move on, a federal job is a great opportunity, more resources, bigger cases, a chance to really make a difference."

"Really make a difference? We don't..."

"Bro, she's moving on, we all do it; all leave the old team behind for the better opportunity. I left gangs, you left narcotics; it's what cops do."

"I thought we were more than just a team dude."

"Well so did I, but Beckett has to do what's best for her. Right?"

That last comment was directed at her Beckett realized, "It's just too good an opportunity guys, all our work here, our closure rate, it's all being recognized now."

Ryan was uncomfortable still, with the way they been completely blindsided here, like they weren't good enough for her, but pushed the one thing she hadn't touched, "What about Castle? Your personal life might not be our business, but the guy is hurt. Does he even know you're leaving?"

"No... He found out I was interviewing, but he didn't know about the offer before the accident... you know it really is none of your business guys. My personal life is mine, let's leave it at that."

Esposito did not look happy at that response, "That how it's gonna be Beckett? I back you without question, put my career on the line for you; but we ask you a personal question and it's all: _butt out_?"

Beckett didn't like that, her hackles rising, her life was hers, not theirs to poke into at will. "It's not like that guys! Just Castle and I, it's private okay? He doesn't even know who I am now; doesn't recognize me at all, I have no reason to stay now!"

Esposito and Ryan were constantly sharing glances now, with Esposito in particular irritated by her last response, "What are we? Chopped liver? Seriously you're saying you'd stay if Castle remembered you? I don't believe that."

"It's not that simple guys!"

Ryan was trying to be the voice of reason, both Beckett and Esposito had hair trigger tempers sometimes, and things were running the risk of spiraling out of control, he couldn't deny though, that her handling of all this stung. "It's not that complicated either Beckett. If it's about Castle, well he needs you now more than ever; if it's just about the job, and Castle is irrelevant, us too, well good luck, wish you the best and all."

Beckett stood up and walked away, didn't want to deal with this now, the guys were being unreasonable; she'd thought they'd be happy for her, proud that she'd be carrying the NYPD name to such a high profile new position.

Esposito watched Beckett walk back across the homicide floor, perhaps the last time he'd see her in a long, long time. It just didn't make sense, the whole situation didn't make sense. He pulled out his cell and hit the speed dial.

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"Hi Dad! I brought Chinese."

Martha watched as Alexis asked up to her father's bed and started pulling out containers of Chinese food, wondering how many hospital rules they'd be breaking by feeding Richard anything but green Jello.

"Thanks Pumpkin, but I can't work chopsticks right now."

"Don't worry dad, I brought you a spork from home."

He smiled so wide it looked like his face might split open then, reaching slowly for the offered utensil and a container of Mongolian beef. Martha plucked the engagement ring off his pinkie finger as he reached out, mouthing "for safe keeping" to him as she slipped it back into her pocket.

As he was digging in, such that slow methodically shoveling of food directly from container to mouth could be called eating of any sort, Alexis quietly spoke to Martha, "Grams? I got extra, is Kate here?"

"No dear, haven't seen her since this afternoon; I think she's having an understandably hard time dealing with all this."

A soft nod her only acknowledgment of that, as if they weren't all having a hard time dealing with the accident and amnesia, "Well, more for Dad."

After stuffing their faces with far too much food and laughing over their completely bizarre fortune cookies, they settled in to watch a little television. Martha had plugged it back in with strict rules about how long Richard was allowed to watch it, and a caveat that even the slightest sign of a headache and it would be promptly unplugged.

"Dad?"

"Yeah Pumpkin?"

After the last time Alexis was really hesitant to bring up the topic, but Kate hadn't stayed at the loft in almost a week, and she doubted she'd be back while her dad was in the hospital. More than anything she didn't want to be alone at the loft when she was there.

"Mom is going to arrive tomorrow remember? Can she stay at the loft? There's no one else there right now, so..."

"But Gina..."

"Dad, Gina doesn't live at the loft anymore, remember?"

"Right. Right. Divorced. Ok, sure, whatever."

Alexis watched as Rick lost interest in everything after that, stopped talking, resumed staring at the television, with a zoned out expression on his face. Every time some new memory hole, or a reminder of one, came up he seemed to withdraw a little from everything around him, bury himself a little more into his own mind and the memories he had left.

After a while Alexis' phone started to vibrate, glancing at it she saw [Dr Parish], she stepped outside her dad's room to answer, not sure why she'd be getting a call from her former boss.

"Doctor Parish, what can I do for you?"

The voice at the other end was clipped, short, sounded like it was on the edge of some stronger emotion, "When did Kate last visit your dad Alexis?"

"I don't know, she was here about midday when we got the official diagnosis, but I haven't seen her since. Why? Is everything okay?"

There was a clear pause, a deep breath from Doctor Parish, before she continued, "You let me worry about her Alexis. How's your dad?"

"As well as can be expected really, he hates not knowing things and it's really getting to him I think."

"Ha! Yeah, I could see that would drive him crazy. Okay Alexis I gotta go take care of some stuff, you look after your dad okay? He's gonna need you."

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Beckett had picked up her resignation paperwork from the 12th and headed home, spending the rest of the afternoon and early evening nibbling on take-out Chinese and checking out websites on DC. Mainly apartment hunting, having decided, at least initially to lease rather than sell her NYC spot and buy in DC; it felt a little noncommittal, but she couldn't bring herself to totally move on from Manhattan yet. The resignation paper work sat untouched bedside her computer keyboard, no need to fill it in until later.

A loud knocking, even pounding, began at her apartment door, accompanied by a firm sounding voice, "Kate Beckett, you let me in right now!"

Lanie. She assumed that Esposito had told her the news; she'd meant to call her, really had, but the distractions of beginning to look into the reality of DC had obviously consumed too much time. So her friend had come to her instead, obviously unsatisfied with the thought of talking over the phone given how their last conversation had ended.

Opening her door, she was immediately pushed out of the way as Lanie barged in, "Girlfriend! We need to talk. Get us some wine too!"

Beckett watched her friend walk across her apartment a plop down casually on the sofa, showing every sign of settling in for the evening, "Lanie? Do we have to? I've made my decision."

Lanie peered over the back of the couch making drink gestures towards her face, clearly expecting a glass of wine, and petting it now, "I'm not here about that. You want to make something more for your life, dedicate yourself to a career. I did that girl! Med school was no walk in the park, it ate my life for years; but I don't regret it for an instant. I got no problem with you chasing the job if that's what you want and you think it's best for you. I'll support you in that girl, 100 percent."

Wandering into her kitchen and grabbing a couple of glasses and a half empty bottle of red, she was a little confused, Lanie was not in a happy mood obviously, but clearly not for the reason she first thought, "Then why are you here? Why are you angry, upset, whatever it is you are?"

Lanie took one of the wine glasses and poured herself a generous helping, half of which she immediately gulped; not a good sign in Kate's experience. "Because you're being a fool Kate. The way you're telling people? It's like your deliberately trying to piss them off. You hide the whole thing from the guys then just kind of slap them with it. They understand moving on, they just don't understand why you blindsided them."

Kate didn't really know what to say, the whole thing had been so unexpected, the hints from Stack, the phone call, background check, interview, everything, "Honestly Lanie, it just moved too fast.."

Lanie huffed at her, another sign of disapproval Kate knew well. "I know that ain't true, you know it too; that job interview and offer didn't happen overnight, you planned it, you went after it. Your friends deserved better than this. You hid from us when you were hurt too; I for one thought you'd learnt a lesson from that."

"I know I should have handled it better, I know that; I was going to apologize, to Castle, to the guys, I shouldn't have kept it all secret."

"No you shouldn't. You owe the guys a drink. At least one. It'll be a start."

Kate actually felt a relief, Lanie thought they'd all be okay. "I can do that."

"Yeah you can girl!" Lanie took another big swallow then paused and spoke again, a softer gentler tone than she'd been using, "What about Castle?"

Kate couldn't help but hesitate herself, unsure where her friend was going with this, "What about him Lanie? He doesn't remember me."

"So you're not planning on saying goodbye? Just gonna up and leave?"

Kate's ire was rising again, every time the topic came up she would feel her blood pulsing, "What's the point? He won't miss me. He doesn't remember me!"

"Not the point at all Kate! You remember him! You had your issues, sure. But you loved that guy Kate. Love him maybe still. You want the last memories you have of him to be what? What was the last thing you said to him?"

You don't remember me. The time before that, we need to talk. Not what she'd wish her last words to be. "Don't remember."

"Bull! Try again, I don't believe you."

Kate snapped, "Why are you making this so hard Lanie!?"

"Because you both deserve a better ending than this! You want out? Ok. But you deserve, you need closure or this will stick with you and you'll regret it later."

"Maybe Lanie, I don't know, I'll think about it okay?"

"Sure girl! Enough moaning and moping. Let's drink! To the future!"

They clinked gasses and settled in for a night of simple chat and reminiscing. Lanie eventually ended up leaving well after midnight, perhaps one bottle of wine too many, and a highly amused watching of Magic Mike.

Saturday morning Beckett pried herself out of bed to the sound of knocking on her door; slipping on a robe over her sleep shorts and tank she shuffled out of her bedroom to answer it. She was greeted by a Federal Express delivery agent, "Katherine Beckett?"

She hadn't been expecting a delivery, nor had she had any morning coffee yet, so a mumbled response was all he was going get, "Yeah."

"Sign here please." He was holding out a electronic clip board and a document package.

"Sure." She signed, grabbed the package, market with a nondescript Washington DC return address and shuffled back toward her kitchen.

After making herself a cup of coffee, one that had no particular appeal, but contained needed caffeine she headed over to her desk, opening the document envelope and finding, as expected, the official written offer letter and contract from the Attorney General's office. She placed it on her desk, parallel to her NYPD resignation paperwork: her future encapsulated in a few sheet of paper.

Picking up her pen she couldn't help but hesitate, ponder all the things the two sets of documents meant. Hesitation didn't mean anything, that's what she kept telling herself; it just meant she was being thoughtful, it was a good thing. Sign both and her path was laid out before her; sign neither and her future was a gapping black hole of uncertainty. She'd made her decision, told Lanie, told Ryan and Esposito, told Gates, told everyone who would miss her and notice her leaving; but regardless, staring at the paperwork, the pen in her hand made everything so much more real.

Time enough for that later, she put the pen down, sipped her coffee and went back to researching apartments and Metro routes in DC.

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Rick had actually managed quite a restful day so far, only interrupted by an insipid concoction of mashed potatoes, rubber chicken, an ubiquitous green jello. He's glared at Martha the whole time, one of his new recovery nurses had caught them with the remnants of Chinese take-out the night before, and after some rambling about balance diet and bone healing had made Martha promise to keep him on the hospital food from now on. All he knew it could be green jello was suppose to be his treat.

"Kitten!"

Say whatever you want about Meredith, and Rick though he had plenty to say on a lot of topics, but she did know how to make a dramatic entrance. He just wished he could get up and back away as she approached, but no such luck, stuck with two broken legs he had no viable escape routes. She also knew how to look good, though a thigh high scarlet dress and five inch stilettos really didn't seem like a hospital visiting outfit to him. Not that he minded the opportunity to appreciate the view, appreciate the effort she went towards displaying her assets; even though she had a habit of displaying them for all and sundry. Even Gina wouldn't... No Gina. Divorced. Remember!

He finally caught back up to the situation, acknowledging her presence as she bent down to kiss him, he managed to at least turn a little to catch it on his cheek. "Hello Meredith."

"Mom! Please, Dad's hurt, be careful." Alexis at least was right behind her, immediately moving in to wrangle her away from him, even as Martha looked on, rolling her eyes skyward.

"How are you? I came as soon as I could."

Martha spoke up a little dryly, "It's a five hour flight from LA, not three days."

Meredith shot an icy stare at her former mother-in-law, "I was tied up."

"I bet you were." Every indication was that Martha was speaking to herself, but somehow Rick thought that comment sounded a little too loud to be an accidental mumble. Well, they never had gotten on very well before, looks like some things hadn't changed.

Rick interrupted, before things could get out of hand, the last thing he needed was some melodramatic soap opera playing out in his hospital room, "Meredith! Why are you here? We're divorced, remember?"

A third, and his least favorite redhead; seriously what did he do to deserve three redheads at once? She was speaking again, he supposed that he should actually listen, ".. after you and Alexis obviously while your convalescing."

"Mom! Dad doesn't need a baby sitter, I'll be looking after him; I'm sure Kate will help just like when he broke his knee."

Meredith tilted her head, smiling, but tight lipped as she shifted her gaze from her daughter to her former husband, "Alexis dear, I'm sure your dad doesn't was some stranger looking after him. Do you Richard?

"Err. I'm going to be in the hospital for a while longer I think; how long were you planning on staying?"

"As long as you and Alexis need me, Kitten!"

"Mom, I think we should go back to the loft and get your stuff situated ok? We can come back and check on dad later, okay?"

"Sure Alexis, I can freshen up too."

Rick honestly didn't think he could handle another round of Meredith later, plus his new nurses had been very firm about only healthy food, green jello for desert; he presumed Deep Fried Twinkie's were definitely off the menu for his own good. Certainly would be while he was married to Gina, but he wasn't anymore, though he had had a girlfriend, one who apparently didn't have time to see him.

He just really needed some rest, close his eyes and clear his mind, free from all he hubbub of confusion that conversation brought, "Why don't you all go back to the loft? I could do with some real rest, I'll be fine, could do with some quiet. You all could do with some time off from this too."

"Dad! No, I.."

Martha stood up, put a had firmly in Meredith's back guiding her towards the door, "Your father is right Alexis, we could all do with an evening to recharge. We'll all see you tomorrow Richard. Goodnight."

Peace and quiet. Rick lived for the energy of people, company; was always so lonely when he was left by himself for any extended period of time. Usually these alone times were accompanied by writing, where he could lose himself vicariously in the lives of others, their adventures and love lives. They wouldn't let him write yet though, while his hands were functional, no broken fingers at all, both his arms had stress fractures though he'd be incredibly fortunately that neither were damaged worse than that.

He needed to sleep, his head wasn't pounding, but it was definitely throbbing; he'd ask the nurse for something and maybe he'd get a good long night of rest if he turned in early.

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By seven Kate had picked out three potential apartment building candidates, all within a couple of blocks of a Metro station and a few stops away from Federal Triangle. Occasionally through the day she'd glanced over at the paperwork that sat on her desk; it simply stared right back, whispering to her: sign me.

The siren call of a new start, a clean break from her old life, was hard to resist; not that she was resisting she told herself, her decision was made. She had taken the job, she would be moving; she might occasionally see the guys again, was sure she'd be able keep in touch with Lanie, by text message and occasional phone call if nothing else. Maybe she'd still be able to make the occasional Yankee's game with her dad, but honestly she doubted it.

So much to give up, but such a great opportunity to look forward to.

Abruptly she pushed herself back from her desk, feeling a little numb in paces after sitting mesmerized in front of her computer for so long, "I seriously need a drink!"

Talking to herself probably wasn't the best of signs she acknowledged, but it spurred her to action, so all told it couldn't be that bad a thing. Grabbing a full bottle of tequila she poured herself a big glass, no shot glass tonight, it was tumbler time. A stupid movie and a few swigs of alcoholic balm would make the evening fly by and she could return to her worries tomorrow.

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Castle gradually roused from sleep, his name being called and something or someone pushing on his shoulder. When he was finally aware enough to open his eyes he saw yet another unfamiliar doctor looking down at him, smiling with little warmth. Glancing over at he clock he saw it was just after 3 Sunday morning, far too early for him to be awake.

"Castle! Long time no see. How are you man?"

There it was again, someone calling him by his last name, not a detective though, this time, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

The smile broke into a wider grin, but it appeared no warmer than it had before, like the smile his mother wore on stage sometimes, a mask showing no true feelings, "Yeah Castle we go back, you don't remember me? I heard that you hit your head man. Just wanted to check up on you, see if the rumors were true."

"Yes, I have some memory problems apparently. I don't recall you, I'm sorry. Were we friends?"

"Castle! We were a real pair, had the greatest time together, adventure, hijinks, the works. It's really too bad about your memory. I was looking forward to getting together soon, you know, reliving old times; but if you don't remember me then there's really not going to be much point."

"Well, sorry, what's your name?"

"Just call me Jerry. It's really sad, I was starting to plan this whole thing for us."

"Maybe I'll remember eventually Jerry, how long did I know you?"

"Years Castle, years, and so many more for me to look forward to now; you helped me make a clean start. Tell you what, your memory ever comes back Castle, you makes sure to look me up. I'll plan something special for our reunion okay?"

"Sure Jerry, I'll look forward to it."

Jerry flashed him grin, showing his teeth before he started to leave, "Sorry, I gotta go now, places to be, ladies to meet, you understand. Maybe I'll see you around."

Rick spoke up again, just as Jerry put his hand on the door handle, "Wait! Nobody's telling me anything Jerry, about my missing memories. Stay, tell me about us! I'd like to know our story."

Pulling the door open Jerry started to step through it, to leave, looking over at Castle one last time with a completely blank expression on his face, "No. I like a good twist Castle; a nice surprise. If you remember me, that's what you'll get; I'm going to look forward to that day."

Then Jerry stepped through the door and was gone; leaving Rick with yet more unanswered questions, of who he was and what he didn't remember.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle. Do own *a* castle, but it's Lego.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: Elements here are personally sensitive. Enough said. If depictions of alcoholism are a problem, then skip the italicized parts (or all of this chapter).**

**A/N 2: I'm working with what little info they've given us regarding time line; merging that with elements of public records (for example the Stanford University archives). Sometimes that research gives weird results, but it is what it is.**

**A/N 3: As a aside, in part feel free to blame _Flashpoint33_ for the delay here, I was extremely distracted but the latest updates on '226 Miles'; and another author berating me for reading too much into some scenes of another fic (my bad!)**

**A/N 4: In future I will confine myself to ONE author note - it's getting ridiculous.**

**Beta Note: Thanks again to my beta (_elizabeth . bynog_) for the particularly thoughtful and tough effort involved in this chapter.**

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Kate could feel the fragments of dream and nightmare begin to coalesce around her; tequila-sodden brain too weakened to fight free; a small whimper slipped from her lips as she shifted uncomfortably on the couch and drifted into restless sleep.

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_Kate walked arm-in-arm with her dad toward the elevator in her parents apartment building, wondering why her mom had missed their dinner. She'd skipped out on the first week of classes back at Stanford, which had started the Tuesday before, in order or spend a little more time with her parents before flying back._

_Jim hugged their looped arms into his side and they swayed together, companionably as they waited for the doors to open, "Don't worry Katie, you know she gets all wrapped up in her work sometimes; she'll be back before you have to pack tonight."_

_She tried her best not to whine, she really did, but her mom had missed the last dinner before she had to leave! "Sure Dad, but it's my last night and I already missed the first week, and it's only my second quarter! Classes started on the 5th, my advisor is going to be really unhappy when I get back, I'm going to have a ton of catching up to do!"_

_Kate felt and heard he dad laughing, "You'll catch up just fine honey, you always work too hard anyway when you sink your teeth into something."_

_As they finally exited the elevator they both slowed; there was an strange man standing in front of the apartment door, knocking._

_Jim stepped a little in front of Kate as he approached the man, "Hello? Can I help you?"_

_The man turned from the door to watch their approach, appearing to weigh the presence of the two individuals, "Mister James Beckett?"_

_Kate watched her dad nod slowly in acknowledgement, "Yes. What's this about?"_

_The man was now flashing a badge, flip open, flip closed, just enough time of her father to get a solid glance, "Detective Raglan, NYPD; may I have a word? Inside would probably be best."_

_After letting them all into the apartment, Jim escorted Detective Raglan to a chair in the living area, a chair Raglan choose not to sit in; Kate stood slightly out of the way, observing. The operation of the law had always fascinated her, not that it would had ever been surprising given both her parents were lawyers, and she'd opted for the pre-law track at Stanford._

_The detective had pulled out a note book and was asking questions again, not answering her father's, "Where were you Mister Beckett? From 6 until 8 tonight?"_

_"Having dinner with my daughter."_

_"Witnesses?"_

_"A restaurant full of them. Are you going to tell me what this is about?"_

_Detective Raglan closed his note book, placing back inside his jacket pocket, every move made with exaggerated slowness, as if he was trying to stretch out the moment, to buy himself time, "I'm sorry to tell you this Mister Beckett; but your wife's body was found tonight. She'd been stabbed."_

_Jim let out a choked response, stumbling slightly, having to put out a hand to catch himself on a chair, "What?"_

_Raglan did his best to appear almost apologetic, but the tone really remained the same, he had bad news, and wanted get rid of it, "She's gone Mister Beckett. Your wife is dead."_

_Kate felt as if the walls had begun to close in, pressing into her; crushing her within herself. The apartment, the world, immediately seemed as if it had become a darker, more dreary place. The only thing running through Kate's mind as she felt as if everything had dimmed was a simple, desperate query: Mom is gone?_

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_Kate's first birthday after her mother's death found her back the cemetery, a place she had visited numerous times over the almost year-long period since the funeral._

_"Hi mom."_

_The simple greeting pained her every time, directed as it was to a headstone rather than a woman wrapping her into her arms. The loss of her mother hurt, more than she had ever thought possible before; as if she was walking around with a gapping, bleeding hole in her chest where her heart should be._

_Kate had withdrawn from Stanford almost immediately after the news of her mother's murder had sunk in; she could not face a flight across the country the day after, nor could she really expect to catch up with the class time missed in the winter quarter. More than anything though, she wanted to monitor the NYPD investigation and to stay close to home, warmed by the few memories that distance would deaden too soon._

_"Raglan has given up Mom. Labeled your murder as a random mugging gone wrong, turned it into a cold case. That's just not right! You should have justice, whoever killed you Mom, they should pay; should be behind bars forever."_

_The decision had been hard, her dream a part of her youth, to become the first female Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Some things were more important than her dreams though, for her mother who she loved beyond compare, she was not only willing to give up that dream, but eager to replace it with a new future._

_"I quit Stanford a while back Mom, I told you that already; but I know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to join the NYPD, become a cop; and as soon as I can I'm going to take up your case, to find your killer and bring him to justice. I promise you that Mom, he will not get away with it; whoever it was that did it, he'll pay."_

_A shifting dream within a dream spiraled around her, black silk robes morphing into the dark, midnight blue of a police officer's dress uniform. She smiled inwardly within her own recollection; sometimes old dreams needed to be replaced with new ones, built on the foundation of a loved one's needs._

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_Kate was kind of dreading Christmas, it had been such an important family time for them all; and now her mom was gone and they had to face the first Christmas without her. There was no way it could possibly be enjoyable, no way any of the fun they used to have together could possibly still be retained._

_Her dad had started drinking not long after her mother's death, drinking more as time passed; a slow slide into something she didn't know how to describe, and shouldn't be bearing the burden of after just turning 20, fresh from the loss of her other parent._

_She had packed up to spend the weekend at home, leaving her dorm at NYU and heading uptown; a direction she had avoided as whiskey and bourbon had replaced coffee and Katie in her dad's thoughts. Kate simply couldn't watch as he spiraled slowly out of control._

_Entering his apartment, a hesitation to even call it that when it use to be theirs in the context of mom and dad, she smelled stale air and the thin veil of bourbon burned at her nose. She found her dad slumped in a chair in the living room, a half empty bottle on the table in front of him._

_"Hi honey. Mom'll be home soon okay?"_

_Every word was slurred, mumbled and barely understandable; and his unfocused eyes made it clear he'd not likely understand her whispered response, "No she won't dad, never again."_

_There was a clunk noise as the air conditioner turned on, spurring an abrupt cry from her father, "Johanna! Johanna! Katie's home. Come give her a hug."_

_Kate could feel the tears start to flow as she began to clear up the mess, to try and turn the apartment back to some semblance of a home. She'd do anything to have her mom back, anything now to have her dad back too; she just wanted those she loved to be safe and whole._

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_Knowing Christmas would never get easier, and experiencing the decline into despair that it had become were two very different things. Kate had brought take-out over this Christmas eve, knowing it was unlikely the kitchen would be in any kind of usable condition._

_She found him in the same place she had so often before, slumped in a chair in the den, another half empty bottle of scotch on the table in front of him; it was barely noon and he'd probably only been awake a couple of hours so he certainly seemed to be making headway today._

_As she slipped into the kitchen to drop off the food she saw the normal tale: bottles everywhere and unwashed dishes piled high. Nothing to be done about that right now, she stepped out into the den. Her dad actually greeted her with a smile for once, a sight that actually warmed her heart a touch, before sending it crashing back to the lowest pits, "Johanna! You're home!"_

_He pushed himself to his feet a lurched towards her, arms opening to pull her in, mouth opening like he was going to kiss her. Kate put her arms up, pushed him forcefully away; sending the both of them stumbling apart. She managed to catch her balance, but her dad fell, bounced off of the chair and landed in an uncoordinated heap._

_Checking on him he seemed none the worse for wear, and relief flooded her as he simply began to snore; she turned him face down, concerned for his safety even as her heart was beating a ridiculous cadence in her chest._

_Stepping back up and away from her father Kate felt her heart breaking, she was losing another parent, another loved one. She pulled her bag into her hands and curled herself up into a tight ball in the over-stuffed chair furthest from where her father lay on the floor. She couldn't leave yet, needed to watch over him at least for a while._

_Kate reached into her bag, pulling out one of her favorite books; it had helped her weather the dark storms that had enveloped her since her mom was taken. Her mother had loved these books too, all the mysteries by Richard Castle; had encouraged her to read them. She never had though, until her mom was gone, when the books were a tangible way of holding her mother in her hands once again. Reading his novels granted her a sense of peace, that justice would always eventually prevail no matter how dark things seemed in the interim. She cracked the spine and lost herself once more in the hope threaded throughout 'Flowers for Your Grave'._

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_Kate walked slowly down the corridor towards her dad' s apartment; the second anniversary of her mother's death weighing on her. She knew what she would find within the apartment, her dad too deep into a bottle, perhaps lost to her for hours, or increasingly, for days._

_On entering, her nose was assaulted not just by the smell of musty air and alcohol, but also by the acrid stench of bile. Rushing through the apartment she found him, face down thank God, in a pool of his own vomit in the middle of the kitchen. Quickly she knelt, careless of the sticky, stinky mess that immediately started soaking into the knees of her pants. He had a pulse, he was breathing; he was alive, if such as he endured and put those around him through on a daily basis could be called living._

_She shook his shoulder. Finding no reaction at first, she became more vigorous, then more again. Feeling her face crumpling and tears beginning to flow, she cried out "Dad! Wake up, Dad!"_

_Kate wasn't sure how long it went on, her motions becoming more and more desperate, she was reaching for her phone to call 911 when his eyes fluttered open._

_Those eyes she loved stared right through her, a completely glazed look. Her dad was mumbling at her, or at the person he saw in front of him. "Who are you? Where's Katie? Little Katie? Where is she?"_

_His glassed-over, staring eyes, saw her; but they contained no recognition at all._

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_As the cab pulled to a stop Kate immediately thrust cash through the partition, in no mood to wait, and turned to her dad, "We're here."_

_"I don't need this Katie, I'll be okay, just give me some more time."_

_He was resisting her pull as she dragged him from the cab; but she was not taking no for an answer. "I gave you time Dad, too much time; I should never have waited this long."_

_Kate felt a little of the weight she carried lift from her shoulders as she pulled her dad forward, and finally through the doors ahead. She'd done it, brought her dad to the Phoenix House Rehab Center. Even when he forgot her, didn't recognized her, he was still hers; was still her dad. He was going to come back, to be himself again; she'd make sure of that, knew she owed it to herself as much as her dad. She loved him, needed him, couldn't live without him; even if she had to fight him, she'd get him back._

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_"Probationary Police Officer Katherine Beckett."_

_The loud speaker at the NYPD Academy graduation had the tinny, cheap sound she'd always expected of small high schools rather than major city events, but budgets were budgets she thought as she crossed the stage and collected her diploma. Another year as a probationary officer, the next eight weeks with a training officer and then her real work could begin: reaching detective and solving her mother's murder._

_As she descended the steps on the far side of the stage, she saw her father waiting off towards the seating area. Kate hadn't been sure he'd make it, he'd been sober a year now; that just meant he had to work, law once again providing him with an outlet._

_As Kate reached him she was pulled into a bone crushing hug as he spoke, "I am proud of what you are doing Katie; you will make a great police officer and detective one day."_

_Finally releasing her from the crushing embrace, Jim pushed her back slowly with a firm grip of both shoulders; there were tears in his eyes and Kate could feel her own start to prickle in sympathy._

_He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, passing it slowly to her. "Katie, I want you to have this now. Wear it and remember the life you saved."_

_Kate cracked open the box and saw her dad's watch, newly cleaned and polished. "Dad, you don't have to give me this. Honestly, it's your favorite."_

_"I do Katie, I need to give it to you; nothing can make up for the mess I made, for the wreck I turned my life into, and dragged yours through as a result; all while you were hurting too. But Katie, you saved me, pulled me back from the edge when I'd lost track of who I was, couldn't remember my own name, my own daughter. Inside Katie, deep inside I never forgot; but it got lost in the daze and you were the only one who could show me the way back to myself. You never gave up, kept fighting for me."_

_"Dad..."_

_Jim smiled again, a tear tracking down his cheek as he pulled her into his embrace once again, whispering lovingly into her ear, "Just like what you're doing here Katie, you've always fought for us. For you mom, for me; never quit Katie, always fight for the ones you love."_

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Kate woke abruptly from her dream state, body cantilevering together as she drew her knees to her chest where she sat on the sofa. Her head was pounding, eyes gritty, her mouth felt scorched and ashen, and her breathing was elevated. It had been a long time since she'd had a hangover like this she realized, a long time since she'd had those dreams too.

Standing, she carried the now half-empty tequila bottle over to her kitchen sink and up-ended the remnants. Watching as the pale gold liquid sloshed and spiraled down her drain, last night's mistake so quickly disposed of; she wished her others would be so easily understood and fixed.

Kate's dreams had evolved over her lifespan, as they are wont to do for anyone; her reasons were different than most though, she could acknowledge that. From dreaming of law and the Supreme Court, to the Police Academy and solving her mother's case; giving up, moving on from one dream to chase another more personal one. Yet thinking back, she'd never once, never even come close to once resenting the loss of that first dream; the choices she had made. Her mother's case was more important to her than any dream job. Personal issues had always outweighed work in the past; as her father had said, only in hiding from the former had the second become the dominant one.

Now she had her dad back, she could remember the ache of him slipping slowly away with a relatively clear mind. Every time he had forgotten her it had crushed her heart, felt like losing her only remaining parent; that pain had stayed with her for a long time. She'd withdrawn over the lost of her mother, but also over the perception of being abandoned; left her dad to wallow in the bottom of a bottle far longer than she should. Eventually though she hadn't been able to accept her own initial inactions; she shouldn't have had to deal with it but that didn't alter the facts: she was the only one who could pull her father from the brink. Leave him to drink himself into oblivion or a early death; that or step up and make things right, even if he didn't remember who she was at the time. She fought for him, helped him rebuild his life; and ultimately got a parent, a loved one back.

The situation with Rick was different; she wasn't the only source of help or support for him. No matter her choices he'd have Alexis, Martha; they'd never leave him. It wouldn't be enough though, she knew that deep down; they'd support him but they had done so in the years before she had met him too. He had changed while she knew him, become a different man, more focused somehow, but lost none of his childlikeness; and maybe she was the only one who could bring that new part of him back. If she wanted him to have that, to be truly whole again, she had to fight to set it free; just as she'd fought to free her father form the lure of alcohol.

Kate watched the last of the tequila trickle down the drain as the final realization sank in. She'd made mistakes, big ones; lost track of the things that had always been important to her in the past. She'd always been a fighter, for justice, for those without a voice, and most of all, for those she loved.

Dammit! Kate threw up her hands and slammed them down in frustration, she'd made such a mess of things; let go of who she really was. Unfortunately, she hadn't let go of the tequila bottle as she realized with the crashing sound of it breaking into shards in her sink. The pain instant, a large piece of glass sticking into her hand, blood beginning to ooze from the wound around it and drop slowly into the sink.

She quickly pulled the glass out of her hand, wrapped it tightly, and applied pressure while reaching for her phone. Her head was still throbbing, now her hand too; the sound of her pulse ringing in her own ears.

The answering voice was soft, struggling against the appeal of sleep still, "Kate. You know it's 5 right? I'm not on call today."

Neither was Kate, for which she would be eternally grateful, no chance of a body interrupting what she had to do today, "I know, it's not about work... Can you come over? Bring your medical bag. I made a mess Lanie. I need your help."


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: Only the one note! I guess chapter 6 really stressed me out. This is transition; and was really quite hard to put together, hopefully you'll understand why after reading it. Enjoy. Or don't. [Was seriously distracted while writing this by one of those critical, important questions: Where is Castle; see '_226 Miles_' chapter 19. Seriously distracting, thanks a lot _Fashpoint33_.]**

**Beta Note: Thanks once again to my beta (_elizabeth . bynog_) for all the corrections & comments; she survived chapter 6: round of applause everyone.**

**EDITED: Had to fix a couple of time line issues, 7 years is a long time!**

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Lanie had taken stock of the situation as soon as she entered the apartment, a hanging smell of tequila and the bloody towel wrapped around Kate's hand. She promptly moved to the kitchen table, pulling assorted items out of her bag; when she apparently had everything organized to her liking, she turned to face Kate who had trailed slowly along behind her.

Lanie's question was not asked gently, but barked out, almost a tone of fear in her voice, "Kate! What did you do to yourself?"

Kate shook her head briskly, "Nothing like that! No Lanie! It was an accident, I broke a bottle."

Clearly that had calmed the situation some, with her friend looking a little more relaxed now, "Smells like you were doing tequila shots in here at 5am, Kate. You should know better than that."

"Just cleaning up from last night."

"Interesting night I take it? Speaking of cleaning up, let me look at your hand."

Lanie set about the process, taking an initial look then looking up to glare hard into Kate's eyes, "You should get real stitches for this. Butterfly stitches will be ok, but not ideal."

"Just do what you can, okay? Please?"

"Okay Kate, but while I'm doing this, you're talking! What happened?"

Kate couldn't help but laugh; too much to drink, a nightmare, and a revelation, "Nothing much."

Lanie was poking her hard in the shoulder, so hard it would probably leave a bruise, "Do! Not! Lie! To! Me! Not again."

Rubbing her now sore shoulder with her uninjured hand, Kate mouthed an exaggerated 'Ouch' before reaching for her phone and responding, "Can I just do it once? I'm going to call the guys."

Lanie did her little head-tilt-with-accompanying-frown then. Kate knew she'd been made, knew that Lanie now knew something was up, something beyond a gash on her hand.

"Really? At 6am on Sunday? What's the big news Kate?"

Kate pressed her speed dial for Esposito, "Can you start some coffee Lanie?"

Esposito answered with a snappish tone, clearly unhappy about something, she hoped it was just about being woken up early on a day off, "What? It's 6am Agent Beckett."

She was going to have to apologize, no matter what else happened there was no doubt in her mind now that she owed them that much, she would rather do it once to all of them though, it'd be hard enough as it was, her voice was soft as she asked, "Can you come over to my place? Ryan too?"

He clearly recognized the change from her normal tone, not one of command, but of hesitant request, and his own softened in response, "What's going Beckett?"

"I need to talk to you, Lanie's already here ok? I...have some things to clear up. Can you come over? Please?"

"I'll call Ryan. We'll be over as soon as we can."

Kate had a moment to sit back, to contemplate things; she couldn't help but wonder, when had things gone so wrong? Was it when she'd spoken to Meredith instead of Castle about how things had ended between them; a lack of faith in his willingness to be honest with her? She'd been shaken when he'd run off to Paris without her, not trusting her to have his back when it came to his family; but then she'd left him behind when she'd run after Bracken again too, not fully trusting him with her mother's case. She'd been trying to protect him, at least that's what she told herself at the time; and he'd probably been trying to protect her too. They each strove to protect the other so much they ended up hurting them instead?

Her moment was interrupted by the arrival of a full, steaming mug of life preserver, "Coffee is ready Kate."

Time enough for self contemplation later, "Thanks Lanie."

Her friend had been sitting, relaxed on the sofa sipping coffee, now she was perched on the edge waiting expectantly, "So?"

"The guys are coming over, can we save it until then? Just drink coffee, watch some morning infomercials?"

"Kate, I'm gonna cut you slack here, I'll wait, but you're on a short leash okay?"

It was about 40 minutes later before there was knock at her door; she pulled the guys in, seating them all on the couch and taking a seat herself, on her coffee table, facing them.

Espo barely waited until she'd seated herself before growling at her, "We're here. Talk."

"Guys..."

"No. You don't get to treat us like friends. Former colleagues, that's all. Talk."

Lanie put a hand on his arm, "Javi, let her talk."

Maybe this was going to be harder than she thought, "Guys, Lanie, I'm sorry okay? I should have told you what was going on before, not kept everything a secret; I owed your loyalty more than that. I get that now, I don't know how I can make it up to you but I'm willing to try if you'll let me."

Ryan shook his head while Esposito held his tongue, "It doesn't matter Beckett, you'll be in DC anyway."

She looked at each of them sequentially, slowly and deliberately making eye contact, "No. I'm not taking the job. I'm staying here, staying in New York."

That caused a bit of a stir, lots of talking over each other, "But you took it.." "You told us.." "Is this a joke?"

Lanie was the first to snap, yelling at the others, "Quiet! Explain!"

"I got the written offer from the AG's office yesterday morning, and the more I though about it the more I realized that I couldn't do it. I shouldn't do it. I have family here now, but more than that, Castle needs me and I don't run out on family when they need me."

"So I take it you haven't signed the AG contract? I said I'd support your decision Kate, and I meant it then, mean it now; but is this what you want? What's best for you? Or are you going to regret it later?" There was an implied meaning there, regret it later and take out her frustration and anger on someone else.

"No Lanie, I need to do this for me as much as anything; this is who I am, who I want to be at least."

Esposito broke in, his irritation not fully alleviated by the explanation so far, "Gonna change you mind tomorrow? Sign the forms then? We get another call then, saying you changed you mind again?"

"No! No. I'm not going to change my mind. I'm sure about this."

"You seemed pretty sure you were taking it Friday, the offer's probably still over there, sitting on your desk isn't it? It ain't signed, but you haven't even thrown it out; have you even called the Feds to tell them? Or still keeping all your options open?"

Understanding their need for something more tangible than her words to believe in Kate stood and quickly moved to collect the papers: NYPD resignation and AG offer. With only the briefest of hesitations, she tore the papers in half and dropped the fragments into her desk wastebasket. "That's over, I'm not leaving. I'm staying. I'll call first thing tomorrow, it's Sunday guys! Trust me please!"

Lanie was trying to be gentle with her, she could tell more stress was not something needed right now, but her friend was still being a bit obtuse, "Kate honey, you can't cry trust me after something like this.."

Ryan hasn't said much so far, but trust in the past had sometimes worked out, sometimes not, other rope had run out in his mind, "We did trust you, look where that got us, got Castle; blindsided and left behind."

"But I'm not leaving any of you behind. None. You're all too important to me. I know I messed up, but I'm trying to fix it. I want to stay, I want to stay as your friend."

Lanie held up a hand to stop the discussion before it turned into a full blown argument, "Okay, everyone is a bit irritable right now, it's early, Kate here has a hangover, and trust is worn a little thin. We've all been friends a long time, I suspect it's all be worked out, so long as we're working together."

She gave Kate a pointed look, "You didn't take the job, but will you still be with the NYPD?"

"Well I think so. No resignation, so there shouldn't be a problem; I'll have to talk to Captain Gates first thing Monday, but I assume she didn't replace me over the weekend." Kate was actually smiling when she finished speaking, it sinking in that she'd be back, the team would be fine eventually. She'd have to make it up to the guys but was confident they'd at least give her the chance.

Ryan and Esposito shared a look, shared a shrug, Ryan spoke for them, "Sure, ok, later; we don't hate you Beckett, we're not even angry you wanted the job, it's just.. well and Castle, we just had a hard time believing you'd walk away when he needed you."

"I get it, now I get it guys; I made a mess, I'm going to fix it, with you, with him."

Kate was starting to feel time constrained, she need to get going, do want she needed to do, "Guys? Can you go check on Castle for me?"

"What? You don't want to go?"

"It's not like that, I just have some things to take care of first."

Ryan and Esposito shared a glance, before Espo finally spoke up, "Beckett? You tell us he's why you're staying, not the only why, but why, because he needs you; then you don't want to go see him?"

"I know it sounds weird guys, and I know you have no reason to trust me; but it's for the best, for the right reasons ok? I need to do a couple of things, then I'll be by to see him this afternoon."

"Other things more important?"

"Other things. Different."

Ryan and Esposito shared a glance then both tired to face her, Ryan giving their response, "No."

"What?"

Ryan shook his head, "We said no. Sorry. You want us to go check on him, you're going to have to tell us what's going on. I for one am not willing to be your proxy while I'm in the blind. Not anymore."

"Girlfriend! Give us something, what's so important?"

"I need to go see my mom and dad. Partly I think I wanted the job to make my mom proud, to keep working on the case.."

Esposito stood up, he knew what her mother meant to her, how central she had been to her life, and now she was telling them she'd decided to do something other than put her first in everything, it'd do for now, "Bro, let's go see Castle, we'll call you."

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Rick was just finishing up a heart healthy breakfast of gruel when Detective Ryan walked into his room. At least he thought it was what gruel should taste and feel like on the tongue, look like too; unappetizing, mushy, taupe. Food should never be taupe, walls should never be taupe; and while his mother occasionally chewed the scenery, he didn't think even she'd do it if it were taupe.

"Hey Castle!"

"Err, morning detective. A little early isn't it?"

"Ryan, Castle, it's Ryan. Yeah it's early, no Mrs R this morning? No Alexis?"

Rick felt a little defensive at that, just because they weren't there yet, early on a Sunday, didn't mean they weren't coming; they'd been there every day to check on him, not everybody bothered to make that effort. "No partner? They'll be here soon enough I guess, have to work around Meredith, not an easy task."

Ryan blinked at him a few times, hesitant to speak again it seemed, "Your ex Meredith?"

"Yeah. You've met?"

"Know of her more by reputation. Alexis have to go pick her up?"

"Nah. She's staying at the loft."

"Oh. Oh. Okay... So, how you doing today?"

"Good, slept a long time; woke up in the middle of the night though. So where's the other one?"

"Other one? You mean Esposito?"

"Yeah, your partner right?"

"Well... He got chatting to one of the nurses when you were first brought in, he's trying to track her down."

"He's trying to pick up a nurse? At 7am on a Sunday? Really?"

"Well...Yeah."

"One that was on shift Wednesday afternoon? It's Sunday morning now right?"

Ryan chuckled and bobbed his head, "He lives in hope."

"Why aren't you out doing the same?"

Ryan held up his let hand, waggling his wedding ring, "Married Castle. You were at the wedding."

He went to a wedding? That meant a plus one; potential to find out more about his missing years, "Who was my date?"

Rick could clearly tell something was up, Ryan hesitated again, "Umm...I think you were going to bring Alexis but she had a conflict?"

Ricks's face fell, he couldn't help it, "No date?"

Ryan just couldn't do it, couldn't leave him confused with a now downcast face, "You spent a bunch of the night with Beckett."

"Beckett? Were we together? No, not if she wasn't my date, we weren't together then."

"Then? You know you're together now?"

"I guess, I don't remember, Alexis and my mother told me some stuff. We're not any more obviously."

Ryan twitched a look at Rick then, one that didn't go unnoticed, then started wandering around the room, peering into corners; generally nosing about, and showing no particular signs of saying or doing anything of any particular importance.

Rick was honestly confused, "Ryan? Why are you here?"

"Just came to check on you dude. Been working with you for five years Castle. Don't think we don't care about you."

"Well you maybe. Esposito more interested in picking up a nurse, right? Setting up a date?"

Ryan just have him a look and a shrug, before he took a seat, communicating nothing verbally, but an uncomfortable expression in his face. They settled into a companionable silence for a while.

The visit last night had been eating at Rick, another hole in his story to wonder about and worry over, "Ryan? You know any doctors?"

"I guess. Medical examiners for sure, other we run into pretty often with injuries and all."

"Any of them I know? That call me Castle? I mean, nobody but you guy's call me Castle right?"

"A woman? Lanie?"

Definitely not a woman, "No, no, not a woman; a guy."

"Well, there's one I know called you Castle; but I think he's out of the country."

"Who? What's his name?"

The door to Rick's room swung wide the and the other detective entered, "Yo Castle! How you doing?"

"Hello Detective Esposito."

"Woah! What's with the formal bro?"

"You were so busy working on your social calendar, I thought it best."

Esposito glared over at Ryan, "You told him?"

"What was I supposed to do? You weren't here."

Esposito turned of look at Castle again, "Look.."

"No, I get it, you had other priorities."

"It ain't like that Castle. Beckett..."

Ryan hissed at him, or at least Rick presumed he was hissing at Esposito rather than just hissing in general. Everyone stopped talking, glancing back and forth between each other, nobody seemingly sure about precisely what was going on.

The door to his room swung open again, and the red headed mafia flounced in. Rick had to admit that it was only Meredith that flounced, but she did it with enough exaggerated flair to encompass both Martha and Alexis, who entered behind her.

Despite the dramatic entrance from Meredith, it was his mother who spoke first, "Richard, how are you this morning?"

"Fine mother. Fine."

"Detectives? Everything ok?"

"Sure thing Mrs R, we just stopped to check on Castle here, but we were just leaving."

"Katherine couldn't make it I assume?"

"She was otherwise engaged Mrs R, had to take care of some things."

Martha's tone wasn't exactly cold, but there certainly wasn't any warmth there now, "I see."

"Well, we'll be going ok? See ya Castle!"

As they were leaving Rick could swear he heard a muttered conversation, Ryan telling Esposito something like 'Josh came to see him' which didn't make much sense, the guy has said his name was Jerry right? Not Josh. Had he misheard Ryan, or last night? It had been the middle of the night.

"Kitten, how long are you going to be cooped up in here?"

"I don't know Meredith, I guess I should ask; you planning on leaving soon?"

"Oh, No! Of course not, but it is very boring at the loft without you there."

Rick couldn't really miss the way Alexis' eyes narrowed at that, glared at the back of her mother's head. Meredith made everything so easy for him, she opened her mouth and Alexis became more and more a daddy's girl every time, even if she wasn't 13 anymore.

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"Hi Mom."

Kate had two people to see, two others to speak to before she'd be ready to talk to Castle, hopefully to talk to Rick.

"I always wanted to make you proud Mom, to bring the man behind your murder to justice and to solve your case. We know who did it now, but can't touch him yet Mom; but someday he'll slip up. I can wait for that, keep an eye on him. The job in DC, I hadn't told you about it, but I know it would have made you proud of me; Dad agreed, it would make him proud to. I love you Mom, but I can't do it. I can't leave now, not while Rick needs help."

She was crying now, could feel the small tears in her cheek, "I hope you'll be proud of me anyway Mom, proud for staying, for fighting to help him; he's lost, doesn't remember, maybe never will."

"It might be like Dad, I helped him; waited a little too late perhaps, but I was young Mom, a kid really. He came back, but it's never been the same, what happened, what he did is always there hanging over us you know. I don't want it to be like that with Rick, for what happened to be a cloud; I want everything back the way it was. Maybe it can't be, maybe it's too late, the accident, what I almost did, or did and undid; I won't regret staying though, no matter what."

"I want to make you proud for the right reasons, for sticking up for someone who needed my help."

"Thanks for listening Mom, I have to go see Dad now, I'll give him your love."

She had just climbed into her cruiser when her cell rang, glancing at the screen showing [Ryan] she immediately picked up, "How is he?"

"He's ok, or a little better maybe. Still didn't remember my name though."

"Hardly surprising really, we know.."

Ryan butted in, "Yeah, yeah, I know; look I on my way back home to my wife, for Sunday breakfast, so I'll make this quick. Two other things, did you know Meredith was in town?"

"Alexis hinted the other day, but I didn't.."

"Well she is, dressed to kill too. The other thing, Josh dropped by to see him last night."

"That doesn't make sense Ryan, Josh is in the Amazon."

"Yeah well, maybe he made a trip home or something."

"How did he know it was Josh? He wouldn't recognized him, and really why would Josh want to see him?"

"Don't know. But a doctor, said he knew him, called him Castle who else could it be?"

"I don't know Ryan. Thanks for checking up on him for me, I just needed to know he was ok."

"You'll stop by to see him later?"

Not a shadow of doubt in her mind about that, "Absolutely."

It took another 45 minutes to drive from the cemetery to the apartment building where her parents, where her dad lived.

Kate walked slowly along the corridor to her Dad's apartment, she didn't come here often; too many bad memories. Usually preferred to meet in other, less charged locations; but she felt she needed to face it, face the memories that had enabled her to rediscover herself this morning.

Knocking on the door she waited, she remembered she had only two door keys on the ring with her car keys: her apartment and Castle's loft. Her parent's place had ceased being home many years ago; her apartment hasn't really been home in months, and Castle's loft was now seemingly another world, inhabited by a man, when he was released, who would probably want the key back rather than her, a stranger, in his space.

"Katie," her dad greets her with a little bit of a surprised expression, "I wasn't expecting you. Is everything ok?"

"Everything is going to be fine Dad. Going to be fine."

After each collected an ever-present cup of coffee they settled in the den, much of the decor had changed over the years, old items and furniture replaced by newer things that didn't carry the same burden of memory.

"To what do I owe this visit Katie?"

"When you mess up really huge Dad, how do you fix it?"

"What's this about?"

"What we talked about. I was going to take the job in DC, leave everything behind; but it was a mistake, I changed my mind. But Ryan, Espo are still a bit angry, and I haven't talked to Rick yet. I want to, but I don't know what to say."

"Well, as I told you before; we have to face the consequences of our actions, even if we change our minds, the ripples are still there. It's a hard topic for us obviously, given how things were; I faced the consequences Katie, I hurt you, I know that, you'll never forget it."

"I forgive you.."

"I know you do Katie, but you'll never let the memory go. I understand that about you. Now though, if you feel guilt about your choices, well you can't let that eat you up forever, you need to let it go. Make up for it, make good on new promises; but don't let the guilt drive you. You'll only end up bitter and resentful if you do."

"But my past choices made me who I am Dad, more than metaphorically too."

"Be informed by your past Katie, don't live for it; look forward to your future."

"What if I want a future I can't have anymore, one that's just gone now?"

"Strive for it, it's what you've always done; picked out a future and pursued it wholeheartedly. It's why you became a cop, why you wanted the DC job in part I'm sure. If in the end you can't have it, accept what you can have; but there's no need to give up, no need to stop fighting for what you want most. You've never given up on what you really wanted in the past. Changed direction sure, toward new things; but never given up chasing whatever it was you wanted."

It was really the same advice as she'd already concluded, but it felt good to have someone she trusted confirm it: Go after what you want, if it's out of reach, try to get as close to it as you can and wait, hope for an opportunity to present itself.

"Thanks dad."

"Sure Katie, I just want you to be happy you know?"

"I know Dad," Kate was fiddling with her watch, the one her dad had given her all those years ago, "The watch, Dad? You want it back? I forgive you, I really do, in my heart; I don't need the watch as the reminder anymore."

He shook his head at her, "No Katie, it's yours now; I'm grateful for that forgiveness, that it's in your heart not on your sleeve. The watch is still my gift to you, you pulled me back Kate, I'll never forget that Katie; I'll never forget you again."

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Rick had spent another couple of hours bored out of his mind, thankfully without the company of Meredith, whom he had sent off on a shopping spree to get her out of his hair; designating poor Alexis as the responsible chaperone. Even though he still thought of her at least partly as 13, she was even then, more responsible than her natural disaster of a mother.

That hadn't lasted long, Alexis was back in an hour, having dropped Meredith off on Fifth Avenue with an American Express and a distinct feeling frustration.

He'd been trying to instruct Martha on how to play Angry Birds for the last half hour, it hadn't been going well. There was a whole new world of technology he was only just getting used to, the iPad Alexis has explained to him a few days ago, while teaching him how to play what was apparently his favorite game, was a marked improvement from the Apple Newton he'd once used and long since abandoned. It had taken him a while to realize the device was the same as the decive Doctor Andrews had used during her evaluation; that it wasnt some fancy peice of diagnostic medical electronics, but just a generic tablet. Smartphones were now common place, much more functional than his old Palm Treo too; though last he remembered the iPhone his mother had was just 'Comming Soon'.

He was glad for the eventual interruption when the door to his room swung open. Less glad when his doctors walked in.

"What's up doc?"

His mother was unimpressed with that line, greeting it with a exasperated response, "Richard, really?" He'd been saving it for a special occasion, but this would have to do.

"Mister Castle, we have some good news." No matter how many times he'd asked, Doctor James insisted on addressing him by his last name, but not just his last name like the detectives did. Nope. Mister Castle. Made him feel like his father, well not really since he didn't know who he was, nor his name. Made him feel ancient at least, ancient and decrepit given his current state of health.

He waited, nothing; raised his eyebrows, nothing; finally rolled out a slow response, "Yeeessss."

Maybe the Doctor was actually a voice activated robot, because after that he started speaking again, "Yes, we'll discharging you in a couple of days, Tuesday if everything goes according to plan; obviously you will be on complete bed rest and will need regular checkups. Your mother has informed us she will make arrangements for nursing care and Doctor Andrews will make visits, since she is a family friend, to monitor both general progress and of course your head injury."

Rick glanced between the doctors, "So I can go home the day after tomorrow. Awesome! I will miss the green jello though."

Doctor Andrews smirked slightly, maybe she had a sense of humor at least, didn't sound like it when she started talking though, "You are still seriously injured Richard, though we find people recuperate better in a home environment; so, provided appropriate care is maintained, and Martha has agreed to that, then going home is probably the best thing for you."

"Excellent news, right Richard?"

"Absolutely mother." Absolutely, yes, excellent news. Just a couple more days of this, the green jello; then he could look forward to the comforts of home. It would certainly look different than he remembered. Perhaps he could smooth that over by convicting Alexis to make him a s'morelette, find the familiar in old established experiences rather than places and faces that just seemed to continue piling confusion on him.

"Thank you Doctors, I'll make the arrangements immediately."

Martha escorted the doctors out, chatting a little with Evelyn; and gave him a little wave as the door closed.

"How was your mother?"

"Frustrating Dad, always frustrating, you know that; once we got out of the car and saw the boutiques, it like she forgot I was even there. I gave her the Amex and left her to it; she'll eventually find her way back to the loft I suppose."

"You should probably have stayed with her. You know her, might bring back more than shopping to the loft if she isn't supervised."

"Dad! Gross!"

"Pumpkin, listen, you should probably go back to the loft anyway; relax away from here, not spend all your time trapped in this hospital room with your old dad."

"Feeling a bit stressed Dad? I know you've had a lot happen today."

"It's not that I don't want you here.."

"I know Dad, I'll give you some space ok? Be back later."

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Kate was walking along the corridor to Castle's room, actually looking forward to see him; sure she knew what she wanted now: Castle, Rick, to be okay; to help him get back to his former self.

As she neared the door it opened, Alexis stepping out and then stopping abruptly when she saw Kate approaching, before firmly closing the door behind her.

Kate heard a less than welcoming note to her voice as she spoke, "Detective Beckett? So good to see you after so long."

Not the reaction she'd been expecting, but after not visiting for two days she supposed it was deserved, "Hi Alexis, is your dad awake?"

Alexis could feel anger simmering, between her annoyingly shallow mother who seemed to have no consideration for anyone but herself, and Kate's complete avoidance of her dad, she was feeling increasingly outraged on his behalf, "Yes he is. Why do you care? You haven't come by in days, only talked to him once since he woke up; I think I know what happened now. Go in, talk to him, he doesn't remember what you did, maybe that's the best for him."

Kate quietly entered Rick's room, to find him alone, but not sleeping; he was staring at the television, but didn't really appear to be paying attention.

"Hi Rick."

Rick heard her clear enough, turning to look, recognition there, but nothing more. "Rick now? What changed?"

"Nothing, but everything."

Rick decided that since that statement made no particular sense, he'd get answers instead of more fortune cookie nonsense, "Who's Josh?"

"What?

"Josh. Your partners, Ryan and Esposito, they were here this morning, said something about Josh."

"They said you mentioned Josh. What did they say?"

"Nothing really, forgot I brought it up. You obviously.."

"He's my ex Castle, my ex-boyfriend."

"I don't get it, why would they think your ex would come to see me?"

"What? You aren't making any sense Rick, as far as I know Josh is out of the country."

"You still keep up with him?"

"Facebook Castle. It was an amicable enough breakup; he just wasn't the right guy for me, not then, not ever."

Facebook? The only one he'd heard of vaguely was a Harvard student hookup site, wide Josh go to Harvard? Did _Beckett_ go to Harvard? Not important right now. "Did you ever find the right guy?"

"Yeah Rick I did. You."

"So I heard."

"You know?"

"Not much, my mother told me a little."

"I don't know how much your mother really knows about us to be honest Rick."

"She lives with me now though right?"

"Yes, but it's not like you sit down and have a heart to heart before bedtime anymore Rick. Not that you ever really did, since you were mostly at boarding school."

"You know all about that huh?"

"I know you Castle, Rick, probably better than you think."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I know why you started writing spy novels, about the book."

"Which book?"

"Casino Royale. I know who gave it to you."

"A stranger in the New York Public Library. Funny how my life changes at the whims of strangers."

There were so many important things he was missing, so much to tell him; but if she brought up his father now, there would be no telling what direction the conversation would take, but she could offer some small comfort for now at least, "No Rick you have it all wrong, your life changes because of the decisions of people who love you. Some of those people who left you behind and shouldn't; made bad decisions, with consequences they have to face now."

"What are..."

"I know about Jordan."

She could immediately tell she'd completely shocked him, no slow build to the revelation she'd previously spent so much time teasing from him; this time just a shockingly blunt statement that she knew his deepest secret. His whole face, where it was visible around the bandages showed tension, "Nobody knows about Jordan."

"I do. You told me." She let out a light laugh, just a sign of mild amusement at the recollection, how hard it was to get him to talk about topics he remembered, now she faced trying to talk to him of things he had no recollection of at all, "It was like pulling teeth Rick, but you told me. That should tell you something about how much we meant to each other."

Defensive now, raw secrets exposed to an apparent stranger, he snapped, "Enough for you to reject me and walk away? That much?"

From amusement to serious so quickly, like the sudden changing of the seasons she thought, "For two days, yes, a mistake."

"You forget, I've only known you that long. Those two days? That was forever between us; it's as long as I remember you."

Obviously someone had told him about the job offer, she wondered if it was one of the guys this morning; or if he'd told his family and they reminded him. It would certainly go towards explaining Alexis' irritation at her, if she thought she'd been contemplating leaving her injured father for a job; which she had, but things were so different now, even if much still needed to be made up for. "I know, I get it now; the job thing was a huge mistake, I regret how I handled that. Trust me! I really regret how I handled that, it just wasn't me."

Castle was momentarily confused. Job? What job? "I don't think I understand."

"It's alright Rick, it's a lot to take in. We have time, this little chat, it's just the beginning. We'll talk again."

"So what? You feel sorry for me? You were going to leave me, but now you're not?"

"If I feel sorry for anyone it's me Rick. I'm sorry you got hurt, I'm sorry you don't remember me; you obviously have no idea how sorry and sad that makes me Rick. I hope I can help you remember, but maybe not; maybe all we can ever be is friends now, but if that is how it is then I want to be your friend, to help you heal and get back who you were."

She wanted to be his friend, well that explained why he still had the ring, and she didn't. "You want to be my friend?"

"Well, I'd like to be more than a friend; but let's start there."

"Sure, okay. I need friends I guess."

"On a happier note. I brought gifts! You love presents."

"I do."

Kate picked up her bag, put it on the side table, and pulled out four books.

He caught a glance at the title of the first one, "Heat Wave?"

"Yeah Rick, you wrote these; they're based on me. These books, well, just read them when you can ok? They're fiction, page 105 was fiction when you wrote it at least."

Rick could see a slight flush on her cheeks now, something special about that page apparently, "Page 105? That your favorite page Detective?"

"Just read them okay? They aren't just about me, they're about us. Read them and it might help you understand us a little better."

"Not allowed to read right now, too much eye strain. I will read them though, I don't usually read my books after they're finished, but I don't remember them, so..."

"Whenever you can ok? No hurry, there is plenty of time, I'm not going anywhere okay?"

Rick gestured down at his legs, "Neither am I."

"Just one more thing for you Rick," Kate undid the strap for her fathers watch and slipped it from her wrist, reaching for Rick's arm and pulling it up slightly, gently, very careful of his injuries.

"My dad gave me this watch Rick, when I graduated the Police Academy; but it wasn't for that. He gave me this watch as a remembrance of a life saved, I saved his when I forced him into rehab."

"Your dad..."

She reached up and pressed a finger to his lips, begging for silence, for him to let her finish, "We'll talk on that later, about my mom too; but now, I want you to have it. To pass it on to you. You saved me, before you even knew me your books pulled me back from a dark edge. So, I want you to have this, in memory of the life you saved; to remember how important you are to me."

Rick could tell it was an emotional topic as she placed the watch on his wrist and did the strap loosely. The watch, he supposed his watch now, was symbolic of much more now than he understood; Perhaps a discussion for another day, when things weren't so tense.

Trying to lighten the mood he smiled, "You smell like cherries you know."

There was a single tear, tracking down her cheek after that comment, "You don't remember do you?"

Kate watched him shake his head in the negative. It didn't matter though, whatever else was true she had something to hang onto now: underneath all those forgotten memories he was still the same man, the same man who found the smell of cherries so appealing. Underneath everything he was still the same Richard Castle she fell in love with.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: What can I say, I thought I was a better analyst than writer; in hindsight I think I'm pretty poor at both. C'est la vie. Still got to finish the story. I chopped this chapter down a bit, the remainder is going to be Chapter 9, on the plus side it's almost done too.**

**Beta Note: Thanks once again to my beta (_elizabeth . bynog_) for all the corrections & comments.**

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First thing Monday morning Kate was walking towards the precinct, coffee in hand, coffee she'd had to buy for herself; cell phone in her other hand, scrolling through her recent calls list until she found the number.

Hitting connect, she waited only moments before hearing the familiar voice, "Deputy Director Freedman's office. Danielle speaking."

"Danielle, it's Katherine Beckett; I'd like to speak to him please."

"I'll put you right through."

Again, the same moment of silence greeted her, then Freedman's voice once again challenged her, "Beckett, when can I expect the signed documents?"

The moment of truth for her future, for who she wanted to be, "You can't Sir, I've changed my mind. Reconsidered. I'm going to have to decline the offer."

It was Freedman's turn to pause, but only momentarily. "You've already accepted Agent. I expect you in DC with the signed paperwork by the end of the week. Understood?"

He hung up on her. Freedman wasn't much for long goodbyes and small talk; she'd learnt that during the interview. He wasn't planning on taking no for an answer apparently; well sooner or later the reality would sink in for him too. She had no intention of heading to DC, this or any other week. She was needed here in NYC; needed by something she cared about much more than a simple job.

Putting her phone back in place she headed into the precinct, focused on her next task; though she expected this one to be substantially less stressful. Exiting the elevator on the fourth floor she saw Ryan and Esposito already at their desks, perhaps arriving earlier than normal to see if she was actually coming in today.

Beckett tried to sound cheery, but was still somewhat nervous of their reactions, "Hi guys!"

They both looked at her, nodded, and gave a collective "Beckett."

"Morning, I have to speak to Gates, okay? We can talk after."

They gave her a nod and started to turn back to the paperwork they had been working on.

One last piece of news, not having meant to save it as a surprise, but she had to tell them, "I called the Feds already, on the way in. Told them I was declining."

Both their gazes swung back up to her then, and she thought she could see a little bit of warmth in their eyes now, a little crack in the stone-faced facades they'd been wearing. Slow and steady she thought, slow and steady to rebuild what they'd had and she'd come so close to undermining.

Gesturing toward Gates' office, she murmured "Later?" Receiving more relaxed nods in response that time.

"Captain Gates? May I have a word?"

"Certainly Katherine, or should I call you Agent Beckett?"

"Detective Beckett, Sir. At least I hope. I changed my mind Captain. I'm staying with NYPD."

Gates was just staring at her, taking a moment apparently to process the sudden change in direction, "Okay Detective, well you never filed the resignation paperwork so there isn't a problem directly. Are you sure Detective? You seemed so certain on Friday."

"Honestly Sir, on Friday I was. I changed my mind."

"Well, you've only been off rotation for a few days; I'll put you back in starting Wednesday. I have to say Beckett, I'm glad to not be losing the Precinct's best team; I just hope you don't regret you decision later."

"I know I won't regret staying. Going? Almost certainly I would have eventually."

"Your decision is based on Mister Castle's injury? He'll get better you know."

"In part based on that. In part because of the kind of person that I want to be Captain."

"So long as that person is a great detective Beckett, it'll be fine on my end."

"Yes Sir. See you Wednesday."

"Dismissed, Detective."

Beckett walked back out into the bull-pen and straight to Ryan and Esposito's desks, "Guys, we're back on rotation Wednesday."

The guys shared yet another glance, they'd been doing it a lot, and she yearned for the days when she was included in those glances.

"So you're for real then? Staying?"

It really hit her then, "You doubted me?"

Ryan's voice was the most honest she'd heard, "Yeah Beckett, after the last few days we didn't know what to believe. You. Here. With us, with Castle; or gone? Not counting our chickens, you know."

There it was, they had no faith in her expressed desire to stay. Not that she could entirely blame them; not after everything that went down. But it still hurt, still left a tight feeling in her chest, "I get it guys, hopefully you'll trust me again."

Espo just slightly shrugged, "Only time will tell, time here, as a team."

"Yeah guys, I understand that. One of us is in the hospital right now, so I'm going to see Castle okay?"

Beckett walked out of the precinct a little more hopeful. The longest journey starts with but a single step.

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Unfortunately when Kate reached Rick's hospital room it was empty of him, Martha sat in a chair at the side of the room, by all appearances playing Angry Birds.

"Martha? Where's Rick?"

Glancing up from the phone, Martha appeared to be a little surprised to see her, acknowledging her and giving a sparse explanation, "Detective Beckett. They've taken him for testing, x-rays and such; a lot to finish up today."

That was a plainer, less warm response than any she'd received from Martha in a long time, but less harsh than Alexis the previous evening, "You know when he'll be back?"

"I don't. You have to rush off I assume, other places to be?"

"No. No. I have all day. I...I just want to see him again."

"Well pull up a chair, wait. It's been a long time since Friday, not that his memory is much better."

"Friday? Martha I came to see him, to talk to him, yesterday."

"Really? That's…surprising."

The hesitation shocked Kate, confused so many things, "Why Martha? Why would it be surprising?"

"So many things are unclear between you, yesterday was the first time since Friday though correct?"

"Yeah, sorry about that, there were things I had to process... Alexis was pretty upset about that too."

Martha voice took on a weary tone, "Yes, I suppose she would be; and you don't even understand why, do you?

"It was a hard few days Martha, a lot going on, he didn't remember me..."

"Yes, I suppose that must have been hard for you; you think it was easy for us? For Alexis especially? Her father remembers her as a 13 year old; he's forgotten most of her life, more of their relationship than he's forgotten of yours you realized. Richard is all she really has, all she's had since her mother walked out on them. While you are not her mother Katherine, she looked up to you, looked to all of us for support; she's an adult not a child but she still leans on others at times like these. Yet you walked out on her too, left her, us, to look after Richard, and walked away. Only two days perhaps, but two days of being dumped for other priorities by one the people she looked toward to help her family survive."

"Martha..."

"No dear, I'm not done yet, let an old diva speak her piece. I do know about the job offer, Richard told me. I have to wonder if you'd already made you decision before the accident. Told him, already walked away from the family."

Kate shook her head vigorously, "No! No! We hadn't talked. He was hurt on the way to meet me."

"Well that puts a slightly different complexion on it now doesn't it? You hadn't talked but had you made up your mind Katherine? Already decided?"

"Not then Martha, I hadn't then. I have now though, I called this morning and I'm not taking the job. I'm staying in NYC, hopefully helping Rick heal, if he'll let me."

Martha look was still a little skeptical when she responded, "I made arrangements for his care while you were busy elsewhere. My son will be well taken care of when he gets home tomorrow."

Kate felt a flush of excitement, he was being released! "He's going home tomorrow? That's great! What time?"

"Time depends on how everything goes today."

"Okay. Okay. That's great... Martha?"

Her hesitant question quickly drew an arched eyebrow from the target of her question, "Yesss?"

"Everyone's mad at me right now, the guys at work, and I get that; but even more so you and Alexis. Is it really just about me being gone most of two days? I mean I get how Alexis might feel abandoned, but Martha, I don't understand why you're so upset. Yes two days, I was wrong, hadn't thought about it before, but I get it now; I should have been here for Rick and I promise I will be in future; but is that all of it?"

"You think I owe you an explanation? You haven't explained yourself have you, just had things to think about. Well so have I Katherine. Your disappearing act is part of it, but I know my son, and apparently now know what he had planned, just how committed he was to you; and your disappearance was apparently not what I thought it was. But you still haven't told any of us what it was. Did you tell Richard why last night or is he still in the dark too?"

A gentle shake of her head communicated as much as her word could, "We have so much to talk about Martha, so much for me to tell him about us; I will tell him everything eventually, I promise you that."

"I hope you live up to that promise Katherine; he deserves the truth, just as you do from him."

Kate chuckled, "The truth he no longer remembers?"

"Maybe some truths he can relearn, rebuild; even if they don't come back on their own."

"A minute ago you said he had something planned, do you know what?"

"I wasn't sure before, if he'd already done it; but it seems not. It's his story to tell though Katherine, he knows, roughly, I'll explain the rest I think. You've explained some things I had wrong here tonight Katherine, sometimes that's an important lesson; I made assumptions and was led off on a wild goose chase as a result, about you and Richard."

"Martha? A wild goose chase? What did you think was..."

"I'm sorry Katherine, but that will have to come from Richard."

"But..."

"No. I'm sorry, but I can't share his secrets. You'll have to ask him."

"But he doesn't..."

"He knows this one, or he will as soon as I talk to him."

"I'm not sure I understand Martha."

"No you probably don't. Why don't you go home Katherine, I have no idea how long Richard will be. Come back this afternoon, he should be finished with the tests by then."

Kate stood somewhat dejectedly, it was difficult to tell if Martha was simply encouraging her to go and rest or dismissing her from the room for now. Either way, it was apparent Martha didn't want her here right now; a difficult pill to swallow given how much she'd been looking forward to seeing him.

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Martha had become thoroughly bored of the foolish Angry Birds game, read through Variety twice, and was regretting sending Alexis back to classes and leaving Meredith unsupervised at the loft; but she forgot all that when the room door opened and Richard was wheeled back in on an oversized wheel chair.

"Hello Mother, still waiting?"

"Of course, how were the tests?"

It took Richard's effort as well as the assistance of two orderlies to get him back into bed, slowly, careful of the cage on one leg and the pervasive damage to the rest of him.

"Poked and prodded mother, zapped with so many x-rays I'll be lucky if I can even have kids."

The conversation had taken a bit of a sidetrack from where Martha had intended to go, but _c'est la vie_, "Do you want more children Richard?"

"Not with Gina…"

"You aren't married to Gina anymore remember?"

"I remember Mother."

"Any news on tomorrow?"

"Doctor James says everything looks good. I can go home first thing, just one more night of observation for the brain."

"That's excellent news Richard. I learned something today too. Detective Beckett, Katherine, was here looking for you."

"She was? We talked last night. Didn't know she'd be coming back so soon."

"I think she might be coming back a lot Richard, she'll be back again this afternoon. That's not what's interesting though. She told me, and I believe her, that you two had not spoken before the accident. I don't think she knows about the ring."

"So she didn't..."

"No I don't think so. But don't you think you should show it to her?"

"What? Why? You want me to propose to her?"

"Don't be silly Richard, you barely know her now. No, I think perhaps you should tell her to get everything out in the open so she'll know where you stood even if you don't remember."

"And I'll know where she stood or maybe where she stands now?"

"Unfortunately not, Son. I know she was looking into a job Richard, you told me that much; one in DC, away from here. Whatever she says now, about you, the job, anything; well you won't know if it was what she would have said then. There's probably nothing in it for you Richard, other than sharing one secret you do have."

"She shared some of my secrets with me you know, last night. She knew things I'd never told anyone before; you included Mother."

"You've both had a lot of history, a lot of secrets between you in the past, perhaps it's time to lose some of the baggage Richard; even you have only remembered a little by yourself."

"What do you know of our relationship Mother?"

"Some Richard, I never pried too far; you asked my advice sometimes, we talked about your difficulties. How you held yourself back from her, in a way you never held back from most things."

"But why Mother? What was different?"

"I'm not sure, but I know she kept secrets from you before, maybe you feared to push, feared more would come out. She had boyfriends even when you were in love with her, I know that. Was she in love too? I don't know Richard."

"Her ex, Josh? Did we get along?"

Martha laughed out loud then, "I won't go so far as to say you hated each other, but it was close."

"The why would he come visit me?"

"When? I can't imagine he would frankly."

"Early Sunday, he woke me up."

"You're sure it was Josh? Doctor Motorcycle Boy you used to call him."

"Well no. I mention something to the other detectives, Ryan and Esposito, they said it must have been Josh, a doctor calling me Castle. But I thought he said his name was Jerry."

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Kate Beckett was running, the two sides of her fighting for control; Kate scared for Rick, Beckett determined to get to the bottom of what was going on.

The message had been simple, a phone call from Martha, reaching her during the middle of her yoga routine, "Jerry Tyson was in his room."

The feeling of absolute terror that hit her upon hearing those words had frozen everything but her heart which had gone from a pounding exercise strained rhythm to runaway pundit of a stampede of wild mustangs. Her breathing and everything else had stopped momentarily before she spoke, "On my way."

That's when the running began. Regardless of her state of dress or the sweat soaked into her hair, nothing mattered but the running. Arms and legs pumping as she flew out of her apartment, hurtling pell-mell down the stairs rather than waiting for the elevator. Her shoulder slammed open the front door to her apartment building as she rushed out, charging down the street to where she had parked her car.

Though off rotation, she simply didn't care; whatever this was it would be her case. Driving over from her apartment to Bellevue, she called Ryan and Esposito, instructing them to meet her there; not willing to take no for an answer, giving them no details; they could almost certainly hear the screech of the cruiser's sirens in the background and that likely did away with any hesitation they may have felt.

Ditching her car, sirens still raucously making themselves known, she ran again; received more than a few strange glances jumping out of the cruiser in yoga pants and a skin tight tank top. There was one wolf whistle which she ignored; higher priorities drove her now.

By the time she made it to Rick's room she was out of breath, panting but determined to push on; barging through the door, her sense of relief was profound. He was lying in bed, safe and sound; with Martha sitting by his side again.

She was panting, but could communicate the one thing she needed to know, "Ok?"

Rick was shocked at the sudden entrance, mouth slightly agape; he had heard his mother make a call, mentioning a Jerry Tyson and then been told Detective Beckett was on her way. He hadn't expected quite the dramatic entrance though, nor had he expected it only 10 minutes after the call ended. He was injured, he didn't remember a lot of things; he did remember though, that Detective Beckett's normal attire wasn't quite so revealing; he wasn't dead yet, and he had eyes, and they were enjoying the view.

Kate flashed him a grin, "You're staring Castle? It's creepy."

He looked away; she was here to help, not for him to make her feel uncomfortable, "Sorry Detective."

She felt her heart clench, another reminded that he didn't remember them, their banter; another bridge to rebuild. She crossed the room to put a hand on his shoulder, "Sorry Rick. Habit, it's a thing I use to say okay? I like it that you watch me. Makes me feel warm. Feast your eyes, okay?" She actually felt herself blush, that had come out in a much more forward manner than intended; almost an outright proposition, rather than a gentle flirt.

His head was still turned slightly away, but he seemed a little more relaxed as they interrupted by a cough, which brought a reminder of where she was, what was going on rushing back; this was not a casual flirting visit.

"Martha, you said Tyson was here?"

"Actually Richard told me, he was here Saturday night or Sunday morning."

Beckett turned back to Rick who was looking at her again now, "Tell me what happened Rick."

After she got the run down, she was none too pleased. He'd started to tell the guys and then things had gotten confused; nobody was on the same page.

By the time Ryan and Esposito walked in she was pacing, fuming, not just at them, but at herself too; she should have been here, should have pushed when the topic of Josh came up, knowing it made no sense.

Espo was the one who addressed her, looking her out of place outfit up and down first. "What's the deal Beckett?"

"Tyson was here."

Simultaneous exclamations, "What!?"

"The guy we thought was Josh? He was Jerry. Jerry Tyson I think. Ryan can you, pull up a mug shot of Tyson so we get a confirmed ID?"

"Sure, I do it right now." He started tapping away at his phone.

"Espo can you find any security footage, I know it's a long shot given how careful Tyson is, but it's worth a try."

Espo nodded as he started to leave, "On it."

"And guys! Let try and stay in the same page okay? This whole thing looks like it got mixed up in a mass of miscommunication. No blame here, I missed it too. This could have been avoided on all sides ok?

"Yeah, yeah." "Sure boss."

"ENOUGH!" Rick's yell startled everyone, and left him pressing a hand against his head.

Both Kate and Martha rushed to his side, hands on opposite shoulders, "Richard, calm down."

"No Mother, somebody needs to tell me what is going on. I'm the only one in the dark here! Who is Jerry Tyson?"

Ryan spoke up from across the room, where he was rapidly tapping on his phone, "One second Castle. One second. Let's keep this clean, no information unto we have an ID."

Just a moment later Ryan brought his phone over, "Okay Castle, three pictures, swipe between them; do you recognize any of these guys?"

Taking the offered phone Rick looked at each of the three pictures carefully; unfortunately nobody was surprised when he handed it back with an affirmative to the one image they didn't want confirmed: Jerry Tyson.

Ryan shook his head, " He was here and we didn't even know; likely long gone by now."

Rick spoke up, firmly, but not yelling this time, "Who is he?"

Kate tried again to put a hand on his shoulder but he shook her off, grunting in pain as he did so, "Rick...He's a serial killer. He's tried to frame you for murder, to have you killed. He's a very, very dangerous man."

"Ummm...Well I don't remember him, so he doesn't scare me, so errrr...Is it weird that I like having a nemesis?" He was actually smiling when he said it, actually amused.

Kate was horrified, "This isn't a comic book nemesis, Castle! This guy wanted to kill you, wanted to frame you for murder and destroy your reputation. He'll try again someday!" Her breathing was deeper now; an undercurrent of fear spreading through her in a way she never had to deal with while pursuing typical murderers and criminal.

"He said he didn't care so long as I didn't remember, gets some kind of visceral pleasure out of a game he plays, is that it?"

Martha wasn't going to put up with anymore nonsense apparently, "Richard, that man is a killer. You will take precautions. Hire private security."

Kate shook her head vigorously, "Martha, I'm going to have an NYPD detail assigned. In fact I have to call this in right now; to inform Gates. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Ryan accompanied her to the door, speaking quietly, "Look Beckett, call Gates, but go home, get changed; shower maybe, you stink! I'll wait here with Espo until you get back."

"Thanks Ryan."

Immediately after stepping into the hallway Beckett was scrolling through her contacts to reach Gates, hitting connect with a severe feeling of urgency.

"Gates."

"Sir, it's Beckett. Tyson was here, in Castle's room. He needs a detail and we need a squad looking into video and anything else we can dig up."

"Beckett! Slow down. When did this happen?"

"Early Sunday morning..."

"So a day and a half ago and we're only just hearing of it now? Is that why you pulled Ryan and Esposito out of here without clearing it with me? You are not on rotation Beckett, you cannot go off half-cocked, understood?"

"But Sir, he was..."

"Enough! My office, one hour."

That was that, she had to get this sorted out; make sure Tyson wasn't a threat. Kate popped her head back in the door, to tell everyone, "I have to go see Gates, I will be back in a couple of hours. Ryan, your said you'd keep an eye on him for me, I'm holding you to that okay?"

She left then, hearing a quiet, "I do not need a babysitter," from behind the door as she left.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: This was originally going to be part of Chapter 8, but I felt it was getting a bit cumbersome so separated the two parts. It's short. Seriously thinking about ending the story here.**

**Beta Note: Thanks once again to my beta (_elizabeth . bynog_) for all the corrections & comments.**

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As Beckett approached Gates' office she smoothed down her freshly washed hair, and straightened her blouse and jacket. She'd taken the opportunity of the one hour window provided to go home, shower, and change; she knew she absolutely needed Gates on her side, to put the resources required into the search for Tyson, and to keep everyone involved safe.

Stepping up to Gates' door she knocked and was immediately waved in, Gates greeting her for the second time that day in person, "Detective, take a seat and fill me in."

Beckett leaned forward, bracing her elbows against her knees, needing the stability and the firm image it projected, "Sir, we have a confirmed sighting of Tyson about 3AM Sunday morning; no video yet, but we wouldn't expect any."

It looked like Gates actually sat a little more upright in her chair, even though the news couldn't have come as a surprise given the earlier phone call, "So you said, confirmed how?"

Beckett pressed, something of a sense of urgency guiding her, she really didn't want to be there, she wanted to be back at the hospital, keeping an eye on things, "Sir, Castle IDed a photo of him."

Gates' tone took on a skeptical note, "So the only evidence you have is the eyewitness account of a sleepy amnesiac? The same man that shot Tyson several times before he fell off of a bridge? The incident you filed a report on stating Tyson was likely dead?"

Beckett could clearly hear the skepticism; things were slipping away, "Sir..."

Gates talked over her, voice becoming firmer; not just skepticism now, but outright doubt. "You are sure it wasn't just a nightmare?"

She shook her head. That could be right. He didn't know, but she believed him, believed in him, "Sir, he doesn't remember Tyson; how could he have a nightmare about him?"

Gates was pushing back now. Beckett could feel her trying to sow the seeds of doubt, the skepticism of an old school detective, trying to find another explanation, "Detective, don't amnesiac memories most often return as dreams?"

Beckett hesitated, Doctor Andrews had said something about memories returning during sleep, "I suppose so Sir, but I don't think that's the case..."

Gates shook her head and put both her palms down, face down, case closed down, on her desk, "Sorry Beckett, but without more to go on there is nothing to be done at our end."

"Castle needs protection Sir, if..."

"We do not have any evidence of an imminent threat, unless there's something you left out Detective."

"No Sir."

"Without such evidence I cannot, I will not, authorize a protection detail; taking valuable resources away from other initiatives."

"What about me Sir?"

"What? Assign you as a protective detail? Last time I did that, assigned you to a rich charming man, well you weren't too happy about it at the time if I recall."

It slipped out before she could stop it, the urgency of doing something carrying her away, "He wasn't my boyfriend Sir."

Gates spoke slowly, firmly, "As I understand things Detective, neither is Castle."

Beckett had to acknowledge that Gates was right, in more ways than one; for practical purposes he couldn't be, with NYPD rules seemingly prohibiting such a relationship; perhaps more personally, no matter how she felt, he certainly didn't consider them anything right now.

"Sorry Sir, yes; no he's not. He's a person who needs protection though Sir."

"Do what you want on your own time Beckett, but no, I will not assign a detail, or you, to monitor Mister Castle unless you have substantially more to go on."

Kate felt crushed, "Yes Sir."

"Last thing, I'll need an immediate report on a believed sighting of Jerry Tyson, send one copy to the Behavioral Sciences Unit at Quantico; the Feds will want to update their file even if it is believed closed."

"Yes Sir."

"Now Beckett, before you leave. Dismissed."

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Ryan and Espo were playing cards with Rick; Esposito having just returned from the security center empty handed, with no video evidence. Martha was looking on, slightly amused by how slow the game was going, when Meredith made her daily spectacle of an entrance.

Reliable as always, sky high heels click-clacked across the room, allowing her of nudge past Ryan and put a peck on Rick's cheek to accompany her greeting, "Hello Kitten! Doing well?

"Good morning Meredith."

She switched her gaze between the other two men in the room, turning on her brightest smile, moist lips parted to show bright white teeth, "And who are these two lovely young men?"

Rick almost, for a moment, felt gratitude for Tyson; he'd created an opportunity here, one to grasp with both hands, "These are my police protection Meredith, I have a serial killer after me; the loft may not be safe." He said it. Now, one, two, three...

Meredith screeched, "What!? Dangerous!? But I'm staying there!"

It was sometimes of great assistance to have an actress for a mother, one quick on her feet, adept at spontaneous scene creation, "Oh yes Meredith, he told Richard he was starting to plan something; last time he murdered a woman Richard was supposedly sleeping with, tried to frame him for the murder, tried to have him killed too."

Meredith's complexion had taken on a slight greenish tinge, her voice hesitant as she started to speak, "Perhaps..."

Martha had the bit between her teeth now; she'd never liked Meredith, and this was the perfect opportunity to get her out of the picture, one that was too complicated already by Richard, his injuries, his memories, and the prospect of getting him home to the loft tomorrow.

"Perhaps Meredith, it would be best if you returned to California, remove the temptation of targeting you from this monster; it would probably be best all round. A weight off of Richard's mind knowing you were safely out of reach."

"But what about Alexis? Should I have her come with me, away from here?"

While not shocking, it was still a little surprising for Rick, to hear Meredith actually care about her daughter in a context other than as a shopping companion.

Rick didn't like the idea of bringing Alexis into this for many reasons; not the least of which was that she might tell Meredith there was nothing to worry about, "You could ask her I suppose..."

Esposito folded his cards, and joined the conversation, "Nah! Bro, he only went after you the last time; Alexis should be fine so long as she stays away from the loft."

Ryan broke in too, "And if he's working the sex partner angle with you, I got to say Alexis is an unlikely target even for Tyson."

Rick shuddered at the thought, that Ryan could even hint at the idea was repulsive, "Errr, so it sounds like everyone's safe but you at the loft Meredith."

"I'm sorry Kitten, but I don't want you to worry; I need to go pack, will..." She was glancing back and forth between Ryan and Esposito, clearly hoping for an escort.

Maybe Esposito owed Ryan a favor, he fell on his sword, "I'll go with you."

After they had left there was a collective sigh of relief.

"Thank you Mother, I don't think I could have handled Meredith when confined to the loft; good that she doesn't know I'm going home tomorrow."

"With police protection dude; that guy scares me, just knowing he is out there still watching."

Rick started to shuffle the cards again, just as Ryan's phone pinged. He look down briefly, picked up his cards, and passed along the message, "Beckett's on her way back."

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Kate walked along the corridor towards Rick's room facing two dilemmas. Her conversation with Gates had honestly made her question whether Castle had actually seen Tyson, or had just had a fragment of memory return, though surely if it had been a memory he would not have remembered Tyson in his hospital room, but in a motel or on a bridge? If Tyson was still out there, Rick would be in danger until he was finally dealt with; and while she had assumed he was dead and gone, the prospect that perhaps he wasn't was haunting.

She stopped walking for a moment, a decision crystallizing on that issue: it didn't matter; regardless, she would support him; supporting him was why she'd stayed.

The security issue was more pressing. No support from the NYPD meant once she told Ryan and Esposito, they'd have to return to paperwork duty and she'd have to join them Wednesday. After being away for the last two hours, and nervous as a result, she had no desire to let Rick get too far out of her sight again.

Pushing into Castle's room once again she saw the guys all playing cards. A sight she missed, how they'd gather around a desk to play when there was not much going on; friends who enjoyed time together even when not required by work.

Espo glanced up first, "Hey Beckett, I just got back again. No surprise though, no sign of him on any video; but on the plus side Meredith is packed and on the way to the airport."

Kate was ignoring them, staring at Rick, who was studying his cards, glancing up occasionally; as the seconds grew, Ryan and Espo started glanced between themselves, to Beckett, and started to look uncomfortable.

"Boss?"

Kate shook herself, breaking out of her trance, "Sorry Espo. What?"

"No sign of Tyson on video, and Meredith is heading home."

"Meredith is leaving?"

"We, or rather Castle here, scared her off with the Tyson bogeyman."

Kate snapped out a response, regardless of her certainties, the issue was going to be treated as a true, deadly threat, "Tyson isn't a bogeyman, he's a real monster. One that wants Rick dead."

"Woah! Calm down Beckett. It's gonna be okay."

Her anger got the better of her; not anger at the guys, not at anything in particular, "It's not! Gates denied the protective detail. She doesn't believe Castle. Doesn't want us pursuing the case!"

Rick perked up then, "Ok, who doesn't believe me?"

Ryan filled him in. "Gates is the predict Captain, if she says no to the detail, then it's not happening."

Kate took a deep breath, "Okay guys, thanks for all your help on this, it means a lot to me. Gates expects you back at the precinct now, and we'll be back on rotation Wednesday morning. I have until then to figure out what to do."

Rick watched his two card partners leave, after accepting an invitation to play cards at the loft on their next off night; before looking over at his mother and then to Kate, "Don't you think this is all getting blown a little out of proportion?"

Martha's tone was firm, but controlled as she stood from her seat and stepped to the side of the bed where Esposito had been standing, "Richard, that man is a monster."

He was trying to be placating; the thought of this Tyson character clearly scared his mother. "I understand that Mother, but he's been out there how long? Hasn't made a move yet, and basically told me he wouldn't so long as I didn't remember him. Well I don't remember him, so why am I in danger precisely?"

Kate voice took on an almost begging tone, desperate for him to understand just how dangerous and unpredictable Tyson was, "Rick, you can't trust him to leave you alone."

"Well maybe not, but if you and my mother start hiring security and acting paranoid; well, if he is waiting and watching, the jig would definitely be up wouldn't it? Maybe you're all overreacting a little?"

Kate's voice rose, not angry, but a hint of iron, disliking her professional judgment being questioned, "You think I'm overreacting!?"

"Katherine dear, please calm down. I'm going to take a break, leave you two to talk this through. Katherine, when I get back please tell me if I need to hire private security or if this should be left alone." Martha leaned down, giving Rick kiss on the cheek and pressing something into his hand, whispering, "Do whatever you think is best with this Richard."

Kate took a moment to regroup as Martha left, let her breathing settle, "Rick, you don't know this man, do you really think I'd just overreact to something minor."

"I don't know, really, do I? I don't know; but maybe because I don't, because he doesn't scare me in that visceral way he seems to get under your skin, maybe I'm the only one being objective here."

That lit the fire in her again, he could always get under her skin, usually when he was trying, but now seemingly without intent, "I can be objective about this!"

He was really starting to doubt it. Something about this whole situation had truly hit a nerve with this Detective, whom he had only seen in a relatively calm disposition until now, "Can you? You ran in here a few hours ago, and you were scared. Anyone could see that."

Kate certainly wasn't feeling calm, there was an increasingly pronounced feeling of agitation, her heart beat elevated, mind running a little wild with doomsday scenarios, "Yes, I'm afraid! I'm scared for you. Scared of losing you. It almost happened before, to him, to a cab. I'm not letting it happen again!"

It hadn't been intended, he hadn't guided the conversation; but here she seemed so concerned, so horrified by the thought of losing him; yet what his mother had told him sat heavily, "What if you didn't lose me? What if you left me instead?"

A change of conversational direction she had not anticipated, "What?"

"My mother told me you had a job offer; that you were thinking of leaving for DC, leaving me; supposedly we were in a relationship right? You were thinking of leaving, walking away?"

"It's not that simple Rick, honestly it's not. We hadn't talked."

"Then explain it to me. Did you ask me to go with you?"

"No, but when you found out about me looking into it, you were upset I'd kept it a secret; you said it'd probably be the end of us; it didn't seem like you were interested in moving."

"You kept the whole thing a secret?"

Kate's voice carried clear signs of regret, "Yes, and I shouldn't have."

"How did I find out?"

"Does it matter Rick? An accident; a boarding pass. The how isn't important. The impact? The secret hurt you. I've kept secrets before, so have you; they've never ended well for us. I was afraid this one was the last straw, afraid that you were going to end things when we talked."

"Then why did I have this?"

When Kate saw his open hand, with diamond ring resting in his palm, she felt shaken, light- headed, as if all the air had left her lungs. All she could manage was a whisper, "A ring?"

He had noticed how still she had gotten, the look on her face approaching surprise, it was absolutely clear now, she hadn't known about the ring before this moment, hadn't known where the old Rick wanted to take the relationship, "An engagement ring. Obviously I have no idea what I was planning, don't know if I was going to make you choose, ask you to choose, the ring or the job; or offer to go with you. I don't remember. Honestly I don't even know why I'm showing it to you, if it'll help or hurt..."

Still barely a whisper, "It helps."


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: A story can still have tales to tell while the pen lacks the will to write them. It's always struggle to find motivation when readership drops precipitously. ****As Martha would say: It's like Broadway, when the audience stops coming then the show has gone stale. **Bottom line: When the number of readers drops from 1000+ to a small fraction of it; well there must be something wrong with the story right? Something where the plot has lost cohesion; because the only feedback I get in general about whether the concept works (other than the handful of _highly_ !appreciated! reviews) is the number of readers. I do feel a sense of loyalty to those who have stuck with it so far, and there are still things to be said.

**Beta Note: For those improvements in English mechanics and grammar (appreciate the comment), thank my beta (_elizabeth . bynog_) not me.**

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Alexis was finally done with classes for the day. She knew her dad was fine and that there was nothing she could do in just keeping him company. So back to class she'd gone, only to be surprised during a midmorning break with a voicemail from her mother telling her she was heading back to California, all to save her dad from further worry. None of the message made a great deal of sense, but a returned call had gone straight to voicemail, probably meaning her mother was already in the air, flitting her way back west.

As she walked along the corridor she saw someone, a very identifiable someone, sitting on the floor, knees drawn in tight to her chest. Detective Beckett looked to be curled almost into the tightest ball she could, hugging her limbs and staring off into space.

Alexis approached her somewhat tentatively, "Detective Beckett? What are you doing here?"

Kate looked up, clearly surprised to see Alexis so close, apparently she hadn't noticed her approach.

"Err... Hi Alexis, I came to see your dad, to make..."

Alexis recognized distraction when she saw it. It was a common enough experience with her dad; sometimes she had to be a little blunt with him. "So I assumed. I meant why are you out here? Not in there? With him?"

There was no question at all that Detective Beckett was heavily distracted given her response. "Did you know?"

The question was really too vague to be remotely useful; Alexis' rhetoric professor would have been horrified. "What? Did I know what?"

There was a smile trying mightily and failing spectacularly to attach itself to Detective Beckett's face. "About the ring? That he was going to propose?"

Suddenly everything made sense. Not in a sense-making sort of way, but rather in a comprehending-the-shock sort of way. Comprehending Detective Beckett's shock, Kate's shock.

"Are you okay Kate? No, I didn't know, at least not until after the accident."

Alexis had never really heard Kate's voice so subdued, so lacking in self confidence, "Why didn't you tell me? I came so close..."

"It wasn't our place to tell, Grams and I. So close to what?"

Kate was almost mumbling to herself, but still looking at Alexis, or in the direction of her at least. "To doing something foolish Alexis, to doing something very foolish; I almost left him when he was so hurt, needed me, needs me."

Despite some anger Alexis knew she still had, and the fact the none of this was making a great deal of sense, there wasn't much doubt that Kate shouldn't be sitting out in the hallway alone. "Why don't you come inside?"

A head shake. "Can't."

"Why not? Sooner or later you have to move, how long have you been here? You can't sit there, I'm surprised a nurse hadn't chased you off yet."

The barked laugh in response to that was unexpected. "They did. Twice. I came back. They aren't chasing me away! They leave me alone now."

"Why won't you come inside?"

Kate's voice firmed up a little then, her backbone stiffening, determination beginning to showing through, but her response still meandering. "If I see him I'll cry. He had a ring Alexis. He was going to propose. I'd have said yes. You know that right? I would have said yes. No matter what else, I would have said yes. I want to wear that ring so badly Alexis. Give me more time okay? I just need to process."

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Rick had finally been given permission to read by Doctor Andrews, and was looking forward to digging into the series of Derek Storm books of which he had no recollection. The Nikki Heat series that Detective Beckett had give him was a priority also, but he thought tackling everything chronologically might help him grasp his story, the evolution of his state of mind over the prior seven years.

He had just finished the first chapter of Storm's Last Stand when Alexis pushed her way into his room, still carrying her textbooks from her last class.

"Hi Dad." She dumped her books on his side table, right next to his stack.

Rick looked at the small mountain of paper with some amusement, knowing that it would likely offend her environmental sensibilities if she really thought about it. "Hello Pumpkin. Learn anything?"

"Sure, but I've got a question for you."

He had noticed that she had been glancing back toward the door as she entered the room. Something was definitely on her mind and it likely wasn't a question about a literature class. "Shoot."

"How long has Detective...How long has Kate been out in the hallway?"

That caught him by surprise, she'd been gone hours. "She's still here? I thought she left."

Alexis put her hand on his shoulder, she was trying to parent him again. He could see right through her, not that he'd stop her, he enjoyed her mature affection far too much to interfere.

"Dad, I'm still a little mad at her for the way she disappeared on you; but she didn't do that this time. She's been out there for a while I think. What happened?"

It had been an interesting experience, showing his apparent girlfriend an engagement ring and watching her back out of the room in response. "I showed her the ring, Mother said it'd be for the best, to be open, to not hide it. Kate didn't say much, just something about needing time, and then she left. She looked upset."

"I don't think she was upset in a bad way. Honestly Dad, I don't think you can read her like you could before, well obviously really, you don't have the experiences."

"Did I divorce Gina with the advance from Storm Fall?"

"What!?"

The look of complete shock on Alexis' face made him immediately start to wonder about the wisdom of that disclosure. "Well you said experiences and I remember this sort of dream from last night..."

"You remember?"

He tried his best to shrug but it hurt, so a questioning tone was the best he could do. "Well I don't know right? Did I just dream or..."

Alexis' head was buried in his shoulder now, gently buried but still, she was trying to get as close as she could. "Dad! You remembered! That wasn't just a dream."

"But..."

Alexis was already back upright and reaching for the call button; determined and talking over him. "I have to call Grams, and we need Doctor Andrews. I should call Doctor Parish too."

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Kate felt the presence of someone standing in front of her; not crowding, but close.

"Girl, what are you doing out here?"

Looking up, she saw exactly what she expected. Lanie, with her hands on her hips, head tilted, and an exasperated expression all over her face.

"Hey Lanie."

"Do not 'hey' me Kate Beckett! Why are you sitting out here?"

Kate wasn't being petulant, but just felt she really didn't need the harassment right now. "Because I needed to think."

Lanie clearly wasn't in the mood to let her off easily though. "Bah! You think too much. What do you want? Simple."

"He had an engagement ring Lanie."

Kate could see the look of surprise on Lanie's face, anyone could have seen it. Such a look on Lanie's face normally came with red flashing warning lights. Esposito would run, Ryan take cover, and even Kate would tread carefully around that look. Normally.

The tone had a touch of steel, iron, granite, something hard, something that could take a beating and wasn't going to be put off easily. "A ring huh? So... I ask again, why are you sitting out here."

Kate didn't feel in the mood to be pushed around, not by anyone, and not by Lanie, so she snapped, "Because! Because it hurts to look at what I've lost!"

"You're a fool Kate Beckett. You've lost nothing! Temporarily misplaced. You're staying in New York, he's still in New York. You've always been a go getter. Go get it! He's right in there."

Lanie was still standing with her hand on her hip, the other pointing at the door to Rick's room, when Martha walked up with eyebrows raised, as Kate clambered to her feet.

"Well hello ladies. Interesting discussion?" Martha had a distinct, highly amused smirk dancing cross her face.

"Yes Mrs R. Kate was just going to say good night to Rick in there and then I was going to take her out of here."

Kate didn't want to go anywhere; she still hasn't decided what needed to be done. "Lanie, I'm not leaving him; Tyson is still out there and Rick could be in danger."

"You are leaving. You need real food, sleep; you look exhausted. The guys told me about Tyson, but it's not exactly his style to walk in here and kill Castle in a hospital bed."

"Doctor Parish is right Katherine, wouldn't he plan something a little more diabolical? Richard is probably perfectly safe here tonight. He'll be going home tomorrow, and I'll have someone review the security, especially after the last time."

Kate could feel the enthusiasm, the eagerness threaded through her voice, a reason to return to the loft, "I'll do it! I know the loft, the shots where things could be hidden."

"Of course you do dear. Come round when you have time..."

"What time is he getting home tomorrow?"

"I expect about 10AM, but why..."

"I'll be there then, 10AM."

Kate took a step towards the door, towards Ricks's room, then turned to face Martha again. "Have you packed up all my stuff at the loft? Do I need to do that tonight? Move it out?"

Martha approach her and put an arm around her shoulder, gradually guiding her towards the door. "No dear, I think it's best to leave it; he doesn't remember things, but the sooner he learns who he is, rather than remembering the man he was, well it'll be better for him. The loft, his home as it is now, that will tell him something more about the parts of his story that are missing. That's all he has right now, he's going to obsess, dig, find everything out eventually. We might as well help him along the way."

Lanie called out behind her as she was gently pushed through the door, "Say goodbye and I'll be right here."

Martha stayed in the doorway, speaking firmly. "Alexis, may I have a word please?"

A quick glance between them and then Kate was alone with him.

It was a soft voice that finally escaped, "Hi Rick."

"You've been sitting out there this whole time?"

"Yeah."

"Why? Why didn't you sit in here? I thought you were upset about the ring, repulsed or something."

"No... You want the truth?"

"Always. I always want the truth."

She was clenching her teeth, grinding them together almost, anything to stop the quiver in her jaw that could turn into tears at any moment. "I was upset Rick, but not mad; upset because it looked so beautiful, and if not for one stupid accident I'd be standing in front of you wearing it right now. I would have said yes, I have no doubt about that. I would have said yes."

She could see he was a little surprised, and that in itself was disappointing, whether the Rick who knew her would have been surprised by that answer she'd probably never know.

"What about the job? My mother told me you were looking to move away."

She took two more quick steps toward the bed, nearing arms reach but still hesitant. "No Rick, no, I hadn't decided anything before the accident. I don't know if the job would have been compatible with the kind of relationship either of us want, I doubt it would. Would you have worked with me? Helped me try to have both? I don't know. I hadn't decided about it then, but I have now. I'm not taking it. There is no way I can leave you while you're hurting. I can't, I won't do that to you or to me."

Kate watched him slowly, gingerly, pick up the ring from the side table, where it had apparently been sitting the whole time, unnoticed by her. He held it out a little in her direction, "Why don't you take it Kate. A gift. I obviously got it for you and you clearly wanted it..."

She let out a sharp snap, "No!" Regretting it instantly as he flinched. "No, sorry, no. I don't want a gift from you Rick, I don't want some piece of expensive jewelry to wear. I don't want it like that."

Rick folded his hand back around the ring, "I didn't mean it like that."

Kate started backing away again, "I'm sorry okay, I have to go, I'll see you tomorrow at home ok?"

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The rest of the afternoon and night had flown by for Rick; his mother and Alexis bustling into the room as soon as Kate had stepped out of the door. The aura of excitement surrounding his daughter was a little contagious, bringing a smile his face that he couldn't really shake, nor did he really want to.

Alexis had peppered him with questions for hours, asking for details around what he remembered about his divorce from Gina, whether he recalled anything of the plot of Storm Fall; just small question after small question. In the end he'd just been worn out, the strain of the day wearing him down; reading, questioning, talking; it was a lot for a guy with a still bruised brain. He thought he'd handled it pretty well until his eyes started to drift closed and he lost track of the conversation.

When his eyes did manage to open he was alone, and a quick glance at his new watch told him why, it was 8AM. He'd slept straight through the night. Today was his day, he was going home, to a loft he'd owned for years, but he was sure would have a unfamiliar look.

He tried to doze, unable to focus enough to read, clicking on the television to watch some mindless drivel and bide his time. It took a little while before activity began to pick up, first with food, if it could be called that, more appropriately nutrient mush. Then a final round of checks, followed by paper work. The grand finale was the arrival of Alexis and his mother who added some dramatic gravitas; that and a robe since he couldn't put pants on over the scaffolding over his leg.

Then they were off, after a major and painful effort, to get Rick into the electric wheelchair that he was allowed to pilot himself down to the elevators. The doctors had told him that he could have the fancy motorized chair for now given the stress fractures in his arms; but as soon as they were healed he would be back to pushing himself around, just like last time.

The trip home was brief enough, his mind wandering, looking around has they drove noticing how much the city around him had changed but stayed the same. So much like him, the same man underneath. Maybe it so changed on top from what his mother said, how much of that was driven by age, killing off Storm, his family, and Kate. So many changes, he didn't know what they were, only how he was now, and how to get them back even if he did want them.

When he finally drove himself out the elevator towards he loft he stopped short, the others pulling up behind him.

"Kate? What are you doing here?"

She ceased her pacing, turning to meet his eye with her own, seemingly loosing herself for a moment before responding. "Hi Rick. I came to welcome you home and to check the security remember?"

He was confused, "Security? I don't..."

His mother leaned down into his peripheral vision and filled him in. "I spoke to Katherine yesterday about doing a home security check. Tyson bugged it last time; better to be safe than sorry."

Standing, she continued to talk, but to question Kate now. "It's only 9:35 Katherine, didn't we say 10? Don't you have a key? Why are you outside not inside?"

Rick could see Kate twiddling something in her fingers as she replied. "I said I'd be here when he got home. I've been waiting just in case, but it didn't feel right letting myself in, it's not like I'm going to be living hear any more is it?"

"We were living together?"

"Sorry Rick, perhaps that didn't come out right. We weren't officially living together but I seemed to spend more nights here than I did at my own apartment. I had..."

"Children! Perhaps we should continue this inside? Kate would you get the door for us please?"

Rick piloted himself through the open door and over to the side of the couch, within reach of a side table and the television remote. Then he settled in as the rest of his company started to move around the loft. Alexis to start coffee, his mother to get him some blankets.

He watched as Kate entered last, pulling the key from the door and placing it slowly down on the table closest to the door where it caught the light as she released it. She then pulled out an electronic device from a case she was carrying, waving it at him. "You'd love this thing Rick; bug detector, borrowed it from the precinct. I'm going to start in the office."

After getting the coffee brewing, Alexis brought him an envelope and a tablet. "Dad, your wallet and phone are in here, and here's your iPad so you can stop stealing mine now. I didn't want to give it to you at the hospital before you were allowed to read, you'd just spend all day on it and give yourself a headache. I charged everything for you too."

Rick pulled out his wallet first, flipping through the selection of cards, some of which looked different, but the brands were recognized and familiar; particularly the American Express Centurion which he'd had for a long time. There was a piece of folded paper in the back too, and he pulled that out, unfolding it to reveal a hand written bucket list. He'd had one for years he remembered, but the #1 on this one was unfamiliar: 'Be with Kate.' It was somehow both a surprise, and given all the other information piling down on him, completely unsurprising. He carefully refolded the list and put it back; perhaps a topic for a later conversation.

He pulled the phone out of the envelop next and immediate saw he had an iPhone. It made him feel special until he remember they launched almost 7 years ago now. Clicking the single button to bring it out of sleep mode he was shocked, momentarily froze; the picture on the screen wasn't Alexis, it was Kate. He'd always had Alexis as front and center of everything, but this picture, one of broadly smiling, casually dressed Kate shook that foundation. Yes he'd apparently planned to propose, but even this one little revelation made things sink in a little more. It was still an intellectual awareness though to him, he understood it in principal; but the emotions he'd expect to feel if all those were true, well they were still absent.

He swiped the phone as Alexis has shown him only for a request to pop up [Enter Passcode], and he drew a complete blank. Passcode? Something horrible was bound to happening he guessed. He called out, not yelling, didn't want to hurt his head, "Hey! Anyone know my passcode?"

Kate called out from the depths of his office, where he could barely see her through the open bookcases, "It's 4131 Rick."

He typed it in and the phone unlocked, "Thanks."

Her voice was closer when he heard her speak again, "It's the first four digits of my badge number. Your iPad is the last four, 1319." She was standing in the office doorway when he looked over, and immediately made a gesture over her shoulder, disappearing back into the office.

Looking down at his phone again he almost laughed, he had little red dots next to almost all his apps, only some of which he recognized from playing with Alexis'. The 137 next to the phone and the 999 next to the email button he could figure out, but had no interest dealing with right now. Most everyone important to him knew he had not had his phone for the last week, so the messages wouldn't be from them. He flipped through the phone out of interest, to the favorites list: and there she was again at the top of that lists too: Beckett, followed by Alexis, his mother, and on down to newly familiar names.

Flicking over to Photos, he saw albums for Alexis, Kate, and a small variety of other topics. The Alexis folder contained an enormous variety; her when she was young girl to the young woman she was today; one appeared to be a video of what must have been her high school graduation.

The folder of photos on Kate was shocking almost, numerous pictures of her at what he presumed was the police precinct, crime scenes, over lunch, burgers; hair long, short, and everything in between. As he scrolled through they seemed to become more intimate, the expressions directed at him becoming softer, shifting from glares and smirks to smiles and winks.

It was when it swiped past the first blown kiss that his eyes almost bugged out; she wasn't dressed in the next one, laying on a bed in some skimpy underwear, smiling at the camera.

Rick hesitated with his thumb ready to swipe to the next image, but reconsidered and put his phone face down on his leg.

Decision made he raised his voice, "Kate? Can you come here a second?"

She came hurrying out of the office, bug sweeper in hand, "What? Something wrong? Are you okay?"

He nodded at the sofa beside him, "Nothing wrong, just needed to talk for a second. Um...I have pictures on my phone, Kate."

She was visibly more relaxed now than the tense appearance she'd had she hurrying over, "Sure, the pictures. So?"

Rick tried to put the subtext into the look, "_Pictures_ Kate."

He could see it click, her eyebrows raise slightly, "Oh! Well... Yes, obviously. You should. Not to be shared though."

"You knew?"

Kate tilted her head at him, she appeared a little confused by his surprise. "Well of course, I was a participant in them. I have pictures of you on my phone too."

His surprise was palpable, "You do?"

Kate took a deep breath, he could see her reminder herself of the situation, "Of course I do. Remember what we talked about yesterday, we were close Rick, really close. You told me about Jordan remember? We took pictures too."

Rick did remember he'd told her his deepest secret, something he'd never told another soul; compared to that, the pictures seemed so small a thing.

There was something he'd like to know though, smirking at her, "When did you look at the ones of me last?"

She turned her head away and he could see a slight flush touch her cheeks as she responded quietly, "Last night."

He'd meant it as a joke, not expecting an answer, and certainly not that one. "Last night? Why?"

Kate looked him directly in the eyes, embarrassment apparently worth making her point, "Because I missed you."

He gestured up and down his body, waggling his eyebrows, "As soon as I'm healthy I'd be happy to help you out Detective."

Kate pulled a face at him, leaning to whisper in his ear, ensuring nobody overheard. "I am not going to be a Ricard Castle conquest. I never was before and I won't be now. We were sleeping together because we were in love Rick, not for recreation. You are not so charming as that."

He was tempted to turn his head, but remained still, letting Kate talk directly into his ear. "And if I was?"

"More charming and less jackass? Maybe you'd have gotten lucky Rick. Too late now though, I know what I want from you, and it isn't just a roll in the sack."

Kate was pulling back from his ear as he asked, sitting back onto the safe, "What is it you want?"

Her face tightened, hesitation apparent. Whatever her response was, she wasn't sure if she wanted to tell him; that much was clear. "You said you always wanted the truth, and I've failed to deliver it in the past, but not this time. What do I want? I want the ring Rick, I want..."

"I said you could have it..."

"Let me finish. I want what the ring was meant to be, not the jewelry. You're not ready for that obviously, just know than when you are, I'm waiting."

He was dumbstruck. Had she just proposed to him? In a sort of understated way certainly, but that's kind of what it sounded like.

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Kate had left Rick sitting silently as she went back to what she'd been doing before. Not necessarily the real underlying reason she'd come to the loft, but it still needed to be swept, security checked. Tyson had really had a free hand the last time, the very idea that the loft would be bugged had never occurred to them. She conceded to herself, sometimes she made the same mistake more than once; but not this time, not with Rick's safety potentially on the line.

The office was clear, or at least clear of actively transmitting devices; moving into the bedroom and starting a sweep she could feel the return of a nervous energy she'd tamped down after the conversation ended with Rick. She'd promised him early to be more honest, a promise they'd both made before too, and failed to carry through. The way things had gone though, from a discussion of boudoir pictures to her indirect proclamation that she wanted him to offer her an engagement ring, well that had not exactly been planned.

Since she'd made the decision to stay, everything seemed to be both easier and harder. Easier to be honest now, to simply tell him what she thought and wanted, safe in the knowledge that he didn't know of their baggage, wouldn't throw back some previous mistake in her face; it was a weight of fear gone from her shoulders. So much harder though in the realization that if perhaps forced she may have chosen poorly, as she had before reversing course; harder in that she knew now that given a choice between Rick and no-Rick, he'd always win. Even if both had ever really been viable it wasn't now, he had to stay in New York, she had to stay close, to rebuild memories, and hopefully, eventually, a relationship. Harder because she had now chosen but had no Rick, just memories and photos of him; all that and hope for the future, even if that hope looked hopeless now.

The bedroom and bathroom were both clear of bugs, but they were not clear of her. She saw her toiletries and makeup all over the bathroom, clothing and shoes in the closet, sleeping clothes and underwear in the dresser. The loft had become her home away from home, or perhaps really just her home.

A sweep of the den and kitchen was going to take more time, put her once again in close proximity to Rick. Once she entered the main rom though she say he was engrossed in a book, Storm Fall, which had not been what he was reading yesterday. As she started to sweep the kitchen Martha wandered in with her usually seemingly directionless grace, and started to assemble the necessary accoutrements for a proper cup of tea.

"Kate? Would you like some tea? Or there is still coffee."

She was distracted no doubt, still trying to sweep carefully for bugs, but confused, "Martha, he's skipped ahead in the books, do you know why?"

Martha was puttering, assembling, brewing, distracted, "Hmm? Oh, probably trying to see if there's some clue in there as to why he divorced Gina."

Kate spent extra time around the cooktop, knowing they had spent so much time close together there, "But didn't you tell him he did?"

"Well yes dear, but not why and he remembered he did it after writing Storm Fall, so he's..."

That jolted Kate upright, it was new news, "He remembered?"

"Yes. We didn't tell you? Everything has been so hectic. He remembers the divorce now."

She felt a sense of excitement that she hadn't since he'd come back and deactivated the bomb, "The divorce wasn't that long before I met him was it?"

"Well they were separated for a year before it became final, New York wasn't no-fault back then."

"But I met him at the launch..."

"Well yes, but he got the advance well before he even started writing it."

"Oh."

Martha could obviously hear the sound of defeat in her tone, ceasing her own preparations to face Kate full on, "Katherine, it's the first memory that has come back, there will be more. Now is not the time to lose hope, it's the time to renew it. He is remembering."


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

_** "Forward, the Light Brigade!  
Was there a man dismay'd?  
Not tho' the soldier knew  
Someone had blunder'd:  
Theirs not to make reply,  
Theirs not to reason why,  
Theirs but to do and die:  
Into the valley of Death  
Rode the six hundred."**_

**A/N: Mine is but to write, and quit whining. Charge! Currently about 1,000 words short of 50,000 which would make if Castle Ficathon eligible, and the first time I ever passed that land mark in a single story.**

**Beta Note: Thank you _elizabeth . bynog_ for all the help.**

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Rick wasn't having much luck, Storm Fall was good, but he could feel his own boredom with every word. His heart really had not been in it when he wrote the book, the feeling of lifelessness was pronounced; the author in him had been simply living, but not alive, no longer excited by his characters. He lived to write, to discover stories and pass them on to others through the power of prose, and to feel his own apathy in his written words was shocking.

Whatever life had been with Gina it had certainly brought him no joy, perhaps even been the thing that had sapped that from his life. Hardly surprising he'd divorced her. He put the book aside, dropping it heavily on the table beside him, there was no further point in reading it now. In future yes, to understand where he had left Derek, perhaps to bring him back; the character had excited him once, perhaps had the power to do so again. Right now though, a depressing re-experiencing of something that had driven him to a second divorce was not what he needed.

His mother called out from the kitchen, he could tell even though his eyes were closed now, her voice he would never forget, "You okay over there kiddo?"

"Yes Mother, it's just I suppose I lost my enthusiasm to write Derek and I don't understand what happened."

"Rick..." He recognized the voice now, Kate's voice, not as familiar as his mother's but increasingly a voice he valued hearing for some reason.

"You moved on from Derek..." The voice was closer now, he could tell, even without the sound of the soft footsteps echoing across the loft. The feeling of hands on his shoulders, massaging gently, taking into account his injuries, just softly manipulating his tense muscles.

"You were bored Rick, then we met and..."

He opened his eyes, head tilted back looking up at her contemplative face, one that was a smiling face after she realized he was looking at her, "How did we meet?"

She smiled down at him, her thumbs stroking his neck more so than massaging his tense shoulders, "Truthful? Well before you remembered and well before the accident. I went to one of your book signings Rick, stood in line for two hours just to get your signature. Just to get 30 seconds of your time."

Looking up at her he could see the wistful expression on her face, "You were a fangirl?"

Her motions slowed on his neck, then stopped before she leaned down to whisper in his ear, "Still am."

She was gone then, lips and breath from his ear, hands from his shoulders. He could hear the sound of her footsteps moving into the distance even as her words reached his ears, "Derek grew to bore you, Nikki didn't. Read those instead."

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The rest of the sweep of the apartment took a couple of hours and there was no sign of anything. The freedom from eavesdropping devices didn't give Kate much comfort though, left her doubting; perhaps it was all a wild goose chase after all. Maybe the whole thing had been just a bad dream for Rick, Tyson had never come to visit, it was just another fragmentary memory. He'd remembered about divorcing Gina, perhaps that wasn't the first one to come back. She had never asked Doctor Andrews if there were particular memories that tended to return first, powerful ones, scary ones? If there was some order, the scary Tyson monster under the bed, followed by the scary Gina monster that had shared it; well it would make a certain sort of sense.

When she returned downstairs to properly pack away the borrowed detector, a glance across the den again revealed Castle reading, but this time it was not a Derek Storm book, it was Heat Wave. The smile was unavoidable, she couldn't have fought it off is she tried, and she certainly was not really trying.

Kate started to wander around the loft, looking for anything out of place; perhaps no bugs were present, but perhaps there would be some other sign on Jerry Tyson's interest returning to Castle. There were little signs of her, of them, everywhere; a small elephant figurine on a shelf that he had bought her at a flee market, a photo of them grouped in with pictures of Alexis. The throw over the back of the sofa was her favorite, a deep blue that matched his eyes and she would huddle under and read while he typed in his office. That was one of her favorite things, sipping red wine, reading one of his books, all while she could hear the sound of his fingers breathing life into their story. For now such experiences would be lost she knew, no more Nikki Heat stories would come to life; but only for now was the hope she held on to.

Nothing seemed out of place physically, just the thought that she had come close to giving all of it up felt so very out of place as her eyes were constantly drawn to Rick in his wheelchair. Pausing, she allowed herself to consider it again, would she have traded home for career? All things considered, the question did not matter; whatever the answer she might have given did not matter; only the final result did: this was home, and she was staying.

The side table was drawing her closer, almost gravitational in it's pull, she circled it almost, the small shiny key sucking her focus. Eventually there was no point anymore, she approached and put her fingers out, touching the thing that controlled the doorway to home.

"Katherine?"

Martha's voice had caught her by surprise and she snatched her hand back, feeling like a child caught dipping into the cookie jar.

"Yes?" Her voice was a little higher pitched, almost a squeak; even Rick turned around to look.

"Everything alright? I was going to ask if you would be joining us for lunch."

Kate relaxed, the instant tension that had shot through her easing away just as quickly, "Sure Martha, that would be great."

Martha turned from the bottom of the stairs, an entry Kate had completely missed as she had her eyes locked on a different prize. Without any further hesitation she reached out and picked up the key, her key, which she had deposited there earlier out of a feeling that she really did not belong, had no right to call this place home. That tune had changed now though, the presence of it permeated her just as much as hers was spread all over it.

Martha was shuffling through some menus in the kitchen, "It'll have to be take-out I'm afraid, we haven't been out for groceries since the accident."

"That'll be fine Martha, Chinese would be great."

Everything was ordered before Rick whirred his way over to the table, bringing his book and settling in, albeit at a crooked angle to keep his leg and it's scaffolding free.

"Richard, the nurse will be here soon to check on you. Nurse practitioner actually; Wendy, highly recommended by Evelyn. She'll be dropping by several times a day to check up on everything."

Kate's antennae were perked: Wendy? "Wendy?"

"Yes Katherine, remember? The doctors agreed he could come home only with proper medical supervision."

Kate's nerves were jangling already at the thought of some Florence Nightingale traipsing in and inserting herself where she distinctly did not want her. Rick might need a nurse right now, but that didn't mean she had to like it.

There was a knock at the door, and Kate shot out of her chair, "I'll get it!"

Rushing over she opened the front door and guessed, given the name tag, that it must be Wendy. Tall, perhaps 5'9", slim, buxom, almost Rick's type; except for the grey hair and that she appeared to be in her early fifties.

Kate certainly did not mean to sag, but she realized as she relaxed that her shoulder had been back, her back extra straight; trying to intimidate the version she had expected, unnecessary now.

"Wendy? Come on in, we just ate lunch. I'm Kate by the way."

Wendy, the grey haired nurse practitioner put Rick through his paces, which really involved a lot of prodding and poking, and a lot of whining by him and then Wendy telling him repeatedly to "get over it, you are not a child." No babying for him today, it actually made Kate smile that he was in good hands.

That made the decision easier, she really needed to go. Tomorrow was her first day back at work, she had to do laundry, catch up on errands she had let slide. There was no sign of Tyson anywhere, and perhaps there wouldn't be, perhaps he was just a fragment of memory. In that way the thought of Tyson actually gave her hope, Rick had only met him after he had met her.

Kate crouched beside Rick's chair after Wendy finish up her checks, hand loose on his arm, "Rick, I need to go now, but I'll be back first thing tomorrow. I'll drop by on the way to work okay? We can have a few minutes then too. I... I... I have to go, see you tomorrow."

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Kate let herself into the loft the next morning, Rick heard the key in the door and saw her slip inside, two take-out cups in hand, and a bundle of mail under her arm.

When she saw him watching her she looked startled, "Rick? You're up?"

He closed the book in his lap, tucking a business card in as a marker, "I couldn't sleep well in the chair."

She appeared to be a little confused but that little item of news, though being caught apparently by surprise while juggling cups, mail, and trying to put her key back into a pocket probably wasn't helping her focus either, "Why weren't you in bed Rick? You need rest."

He tapped the book cover, "I stayed up reading."

Her eyes wrinkled up a little, expression almost appearing guilty, like she regretted something, "I should have stayed, or come by last night, made sure you went to bed."

"You are not my nurse. Mother's nurse, Wendy, tried. I didn't listen."

Her tone had firmed, a thread of steel running through it, "Well you'll listen to me."

That made him curious, "Why?"

He had no compunctions in admitting, at least in his head, that it was sexy when she pushed her jacket back from her waist, revealing a badge and a gun, "Because I carry a gun Rick. When I tell you to go to bed you'll do it."

As they'd been talking about his sleeping habits she'd cross the den to hold out one of the cups to him. He grabbed it eagerly, if slowly, and took a sip from the cup and immediately faux-gagged and pulled a face, choking out, "What is this?"

"It's green tea. Good for your memory."

"I drink tea with you?"

"No Rick, we drink coffee. You always got me coffee."

He watched her take a sip of her drink, there was the slightest trace of a smirk on her lips, hers was coffee, he knew it, "So why..."

"Did your doctor say you could have coffee? You have a brain injury remember."

He was completely aware that he was pouting now, he just didn't care, "But it tastes nasty."

"Just drink it. Learn to like it Rick. Learn to love it. It's good for you."

Rick was alway free with the double entendre, quick with a remark, always paid careful attention, or at least, usually paid careful attention to what people said. Just as he was then, and perhaps she didn't mean anything by it, maybe it was just a casual comment about the health benefits of green tea. Mixed up with other comments she had made gave it a more complex context.

"Fall in love with the green tea?"

She slowly blinked her eyes before responding, "Honestly, it was a completely innocent..."

"Freudian slip?"

Kate's voice rose, not irritation, not hurt, but pained in some way, "Rick, please! You know I have feelings for you, I know they're unrequited now; but please don't mess with them. They are not a toy for your amusement. This is hard enough without you batting at my heart like a cat with a ball of string!"

He might be in pain, physically from the injuries, mentally from the holes he desperately needed filled in his memories; but he was apparently not the only one still hurting, "I'm sorry Kate, really, I didn't mean to upset you."

She nodded an acknowledgment, and pulled the bundle of mail from under her arm, clearly trying to move on to a less sensitive topic, "Eduardo gave me your mail to bring up. Looks like a couple of get well cards and some magazines."

"Get well cards? My mother said they'd be going to my publisher. I don't think many people have my home address."

"Most likely personal friends then rather than just fans. You want me to open them?"

"Sure."

She peeled back the envelopes and handed Rick the two cards.

The first one was a simple cartoon of a man with his leg in a cast, cracking it open he say it was from one of his old friends, "This one is from Bob."

The second one was a plain looking card, with text on the front [Remembering You! Get Well Soon!] he cracked it open and looked up at Kate, "This one is from Jerry."

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Beckett felt like she had a live snake in her jacket pocket as she pulled her cruiser into the precinct parking spot. She had taken the card and envelope carefully away from Castle, and slipped it into a large ziplock bag from the kitchen. Certainly had not been thinking clearly, worry occupying her mind, when she'd bent down to plant a kiss on his cheek and told him she had to go to work and dig into the card. He hadn't flinched or said a word as she let herself back out of the loft, double checking the locks after closing the door; only then had it hit her what she had done.

Rushing off the elevator on the fourth floor she was approaching the guys' desks reaching into her pocket to pull out the ziplock bag when Gates' voice called out, "Beckett. You have a visitor. In the break room."

"But Sir..."

"Now Beckett!"

Looking over she saw Ryan and Esposito looking at her, both mouthing a word: 'Fed' and motion over to the closed door of the break room.

As soon as Beckett stepped though the door she was confronted by a unsmiling face, an outstretched hand, and an introduction, "Special Agent in Charge April Brooks."

She controlled her confusion, didn't let it show on her face as she returned the handshake, "I'm sorry. Do I know you? Do we have a case?"

A simple smile and shake of the head, nothing much given away, "No Detective, to either question."

"Then what can I do for you?"

"I do not usually make delivery runs Detective Beckett, I'm SAC of the Criminal Division of the New York field office of the FBI. Not a delivery woman, clear? But apparently Deputy Director Freedman thinks highly of you. So when he gave me a cal,l I listened."

"Freedman sent you?"

"Yes he did, and he doesn't make that kind of effort for anyone. He asked me to make a delivery. Said you needed some duplicate documentation."

"Thank you Special Agent Brooks, but..."

"I'm not finished. In addition to a lot of other activities I also have oversight of the Jerry Tyson case. I got your memo indicating a possible sighting, so did Deputy Director Freedman, though that isn't something he normally monitors, so I wonder about his special interest here, in Tyson, in you. At least I did wonder until last night. I said I have oversight, it's possible I still do; it depends really on what you decide. In addition to the documents, he asked me to hand you this, in person, and strongly encourage you to read it and take it seriously."

In addition to a thick manilla envelope, labeled simply "Beckett", Special Agent Brooks was holding out a smaller white one, that one labeled "Special Agent Beckett".

"Goodbye Beckett, Detective or Special Agent; which ever you are."

She watched the other woman leave, tossing the large envelope onto the break room table. There was no real question what was in it, likely another copy of the offer contract; Freedman potentially suspected she had thrown the others out after she spoke to him. The smaller white envelope was new though, and despite knowing she had declined the job offer curiosity still got the better of her and she cracked it open.

It was quite short:

_"Oversight of the case and materials related to Jerry Tyson, a.k.a. 3XK, is hereby assigned to Special Agent Katherine Beckett of the Attorney General's special investigative task force. Resources assigned shall be at her reasonable discretion, up to and including U.S. Marshals Service protective details for endangered witnesses."_

There were three names and signatures underneath the text: Eric Holder, Robert Mueller, and Anthony Freedman.

She stood staring at it for a moment before tucking it back in the envelope, opening the door and stick her head out, "Guys? Can I talk to you for a minute."

Beckett turned back from making herself a cup of coffee, and seeing the Ryan and Esposito had joined her, held out the ziplock bag.

"Guys, this was in Castle's mail this morning. It's signed Jerry."

Ryan was almost gapping at her, "What? Tyson sent him a get well card?"

A nod and a shrug were pretty much all she could offer at this point, "That's what it looks like. Gates didn't want NYPD looking into it before, maybe this will be enough to convince her."

Espo took the letter from her still outstretched hand, "I'll take it down to forensics, see if they can get anything off it."

"Thanks Espo, the only obvious thing, it's postmarked this Monday, from Philadelphia."

Ryan help up his hand, palm out, blocking their train of thought, "Err, Beckett? When did he find out they were releasing him home?

"Sometime Sunday I think."

"So Tyson visits him early Sunday morning, high tails it to Philly, then it's entirely a coincidence that he happens to send a card the day after they decide to release Castle? It sounds hinky."

"Bro, it sounds like Tyson has eyes on him somehow."

The butterflies of nervousness were fluttering in her stomach again. Increasingly it sounded like Tyson was proactively monitoring Castle rather than just waiting for some sign, perhaps from the press, that memories had returned.

"There's more. Read this." She was holding out the smaller white envelope.

Once again it was Esposito how took it, quickly looking, opening, and reading the contents with Ryan.

A look of contempt flooded onto his face, "Seriously!?" Tossing the letter both he and Ryan turned and began heading to the exit.

"Guys! Wait!"

Even Ryan was sounding angry at her, "Wait? You told us you'd turned it down Special Agent Beckett!"

Understanding flooded through her, the letter was address to Special Agent Beckett, it had orders and parameters for her; they thought she had taken the job after everything that had happened, that she had turned around again, behind their backs and put on the Federal suit.

"I didn't! I didn't take the job!"

They both stopped, Esposito's hand actually having turned the door knob but not pulled it open yet. He turned slightly to point at the discarded letter.

"Then what is that?"

"An offer. They sent me new paperwork, I guess they thought I'd probably tossed the originals out, they were right. The letter was a taste I suppose, see what you can do if you work with us."

Ryan sniffed dismissively, "That is not a taster, it's a bribe to take the job Beckett. A manipulative trick. You wanted to work for those people?"

"Perhaps I misjudged..."

Espo growled, "Whatever! You staying?"

She couldn't keep the frustration out of her voice, "I already said I was!"

He wasn't done pushing her apparently, "The why'd you show us the letter?"

"I..."

Not by a long shot, "You want extra brownie points? See, they offered me more and I'm still..."

Why would he not just shut up and let her explain? "No!"

"Then why?"

At last she had an opportunity to get a word in, "The Marshals! I showed because it mentioned the Marshals. Should I, should we, call them? Get a protective detail from them for Rick?"

Ryan had managed to keep his calm through the altercation, but now was giving her a distinctly skeptical look, "Unless there is forensic evidence on that note, and we all know there won't be, the NYPD isn't going to assign protection, and neither is the Marshals Service. Not without some huge strings being pulled. Take the job, pull some strings..."

She snapped, "I'm not!"

He shrugged, "Then we have no strings to pull."

"Come on guys! Brainstorm or something."

Esposito was almost smiling after that comment, "Fine! Even assuming the card means Tyson's watching, what good are marshalls going to be? The guy got to Castle in holding here, inside a precinct full of cops, you think he can't work around a couple of federal bodyguards?"

Ryan bent to pick up the white envelope before giving his opinion, "Tyson spied on him before, all clear now I assume? Doesn't stop us though, we could put nanny cams in Castle's place, keep an eye on it."

Beckett honest was not so keen on that idea, "Then when Castle vanishes we find out the next day what happened after we check the video? No, that doesn't work for me. I don't want to catch Tyson after the fact, I want to make sure nothing ever happens."

The guys gave looks and shrugs, basically signaling, "Ok, but we're out of ideas."

Ryan held out the envelope, "You want this?"

She grinned at him, holding out the larger manilla one to him, "Nope, you can shred that, this too."

It was not particularly late by the time Kate got back to her apartment, a day on call evolved into a day of paperwork after New Yorkers apparently took their Valium and didn't kill each other. It was a good thing, but made for a boring day.

Her decision had been made earlier, not long after the whole confused argument/conversation with Ryan and Esposito, she had ruled out nanny cams due to their lack of preventive capability. Rick still needed an watch kept over him and the loft though, particularly at night which seemed to be Tyson's preferred hours of action.

Keeping an eye on him was something she did not consider a chore, well not any more at least. She pulled out a bag and started packing, she would stay over in the guest room; keep everything and everyone safe, and flash her gun if necessary to make him go to bed on schedule. More time with him might hurt, being painfully close to what was not hers anymore; or it might help, accelerate a rebuilding of memory and relationship.

Kate had weighed her options, there was so much to gain; picking up her overnight bag she exited her apartment closing that door behind her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**[No Spoilers in reviews please...]**

**A/N: Crossed over 50,000 words! If not for the bum shoulder I'd pat myself on the back. Short chapter with a appropriate ending I think.**

**Beta Note: Thank you _elizabeth . bynog_ for all the help.**

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Rick knew it was Detective Beckett making a hasty exit with her ziplock bag, it was most certainly her in calm control as she took control of evidence and scene, rather than the Kate he had been seeing more of. He also realized the kiss on the cheek was only the result of distraction, nothing particularly deeper; though when distracted he tended to do the things buried deepest in himself, without conscious thought getting in the way. What was it? Nothing, or deep?

After she'd left it had only been a little while before Wendy had arrived to poke and prod him once again. Frankly he was glad that his currently confinement to a wheel chair prevented her taking his temperature with anything but an oral instrument, as he was sure she would have done with much glee. She was mean. At least he considered her mean, and since he was undoubtedly the one paying the bills, well it was his opinion that counted.

After a fair amount of sniping at each other, they were interrupted by the simultaneous arrival of Alexis and his mother down the stairway.

Alexis was already dressed and carrying a book bag, apparently he was not to experience much of the pleasure of her company today, "Dad! Are you making trouble?"

He tried to frame the most innocent expression on his face, though from the skeptical looks everyone was throwing his way it looked like no one was buying it. "Making trouble Pumpkin? Never! It always seems to find me though."

The look she gave him was priceless, "Well at least try to avoid it until you're better."

"I wouldn't want to disappoint you."

"You never disappoint me Dad. I have to go, since I'm not going to Costa Rica now, I've got a meeting with some friends about planning some summer stuff, ok? See you later!"

He gave a brief wave as she headed to the door, "Ok Pumpkin, bye!"

Rick couldn't help but smile wider as Wendy picked up her gear to leave too, and he really appreciated her words, "I'll walk out with you, Ms. Castle. I'll be back again later, Mr. Castle. Don't do anything stupid."

He really appreciated her first words, not the final ones.

After Alexis and Wendy left he turned to face Martha, "I got a get well card this morning, a couple actually. One from Bob Weldon, the other from Jerry."

The last part of his comment clearly caught her attention, that name had a way of freezing people into place.

Soon enough her lips moved, but her expression remained stoic, "Jerry Tyson?"

Not that he wanted to irritate her given the urgent situation, but really? Did he know any other Jerry? A more amenable approach was called for though, "Well Detective Beckett certainly seemed to think so."

The expression of relief was palpable, apparently if Beckett was on it his mother felt everything would be alright, "Katherine was here?"

The memory of her visit caused an unfortunate grimace in recalling the taste she'd tricked him into trying. "Yeah, she brought me some green tea. Took the card with her to run some checks."

"What did the card say?"

"Not much, remembering you, get well, that's it. Just odd maybe that it arrived the first day I got home."

"Richard, we need to talk about security again. If Tyson is watching as this card may say, I think a few security professionals may be appropriate."

The story was clear in his mind. If this man was who everyone described, then security would be like waving a red cape at a bull. "No Mother, we already talked about it. If he's watching, having a bunch of guys wandering around in suits with earpieces is going to tell him we know he is out there; that's apparently when he's most likely to do something. No security and he's got no reason to suspect anything. Private security, any security, would be counterproductive."

"Richard, if..."

"If what? If he does come to pay a visit he's just going to work around any security we have. This building is supposed to be secure, that's why I picked it, but from what you told me, he just waltzed in here whenever he felt like it. I'll take my chances."

There was a note of defeat in Martha's voice as she continued, knowing it was a lost battle, but unable to give up in the face of insurmountable odds. "He is a dangerous man Richard."

Rick nodded, acknowledging what she was saying, but his mind was made up. "I understand that. Hired help isn't going to matter though is it? On that topic, get rid of Wendy. I don't like her."

"She comes highly recommended Richard."

"So does exercise, but you don't see me doing any of that right now either. Call someone, anyone. Medical attention needed? Get someone who doesn't treat me like I'm ten years old."

"Even if you act like it?"

Sometimes sure, he acted like a child, but why not? Children have a simple joy in life and why shouldn't he embrace that too?

"Even then."

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This time when Kate slid her key into the lock on the loft door she did it with complete confidence, no hesitation. She didn't just slip into the loft like a nervous guest as she had that morning; she simply entered with a feeling of belonging, dropping her bag beside the door.

Rick was having his pulse take and was chuckling about something with his nurse. It was only when the nurse straightened from bending over him that Kate realized that it wasn't Wendy.

This nurse was almost a carbon copy of Wendy from the rear, but with shoulder length blond hair tied back in a ponytail. When she turned around, Kate felt her stomach clench and her jaw tighten. This nurse wasn't old; she was in her thirties, pretty, with emerald green eyes.

The new woman smiled broadly when she noticed she was being observed. "You must be Kate, I'm Judy. Rick was just telling me about you. That was a sporty trick Detective, with the green tea."

Kate was caught a little off guard as Judy approached, hand outstretched, smile never dropping from her face. Kate felt obligated, sticking out her own hand. "Hi. Umm. Yes, Kate."

Rick was sitting in his chair grinning at the two of them. "Judy is so much more fun!"

Kate wasn't sure what was going on to be honest. "Umm, Rick? What happened to Wendy?"

"I didn't like her, had her replaced."

Judy apparently felt some need to come to a fellow professional's defense. "Now Rick! Wendy is great, okay. She can be a bit of a disciplinarian though."

Kate didn't doubt that, but sometimes Rick needed to be pushed around in her opinion, so a bit of discipline wouldn't hurt; apparently he disagreed.

He was whirring over in his chair, making them both dodge his outstretched legs in a complex dance. "But you're more fun. I've got enough problems right now with this chair, the legs, and an unwanted get well card. I need a little uncomplicated fun what with everything else going on. Right Kate?"

Her breath had frozen in her lungs as soon as the word passed his lips. He needed, he wanted fun, uncomplicated, a bubbly blond; the memory came crashing back, a painful time for them both, but one of which he had no recollection.

She could feel the thought opening like a flower in the center of her mind: _Run_. Standing still, fighting herself for a moment, before crushing that flower like an invasive weed under her mental heel: _No_.

Her voice was still a little strained as she spoke. "Right. A lot going on. I'll be right back, okay Rick?"

Kate quickly headed towards the front door, stopping just before it to grab her bag and trot upstairs, tossing the bag on the guest room bed before pulling out her cell and placing the call.

"Kate Beckett, what is wrong now?" Just the sound of Lanie's voice helped calm the still frenetic beating of her heart.

"He has a new nurse, Lanie. Bubbly and blond."

The tone was no-nonsense, blunt. "Girl, are you feeling threatened?"

Kate answered the same way, "Yes. A little."

"What ya gonna do?"

What did she want to do? Go throw out Judy and continue with the kiss she put on his cheek this morning. "Can you come over? We can all sit and talk; maybe tell him some more secrets."

"You're inviting me over to your boyfriend's..."

Kate felt the need to correct that misperception, "He's not my boyfriend..."

"He might not think so right now Kate, but you do; and it's time you started acting like it. I'm on my way. Open a bottle of wine, but none for Castle."

Kate relaxed a little and decided to change into something more comfortable. In the end, it took a good 15 minutes, even though she only brought a small bag with three casual outfits; but indecision was not her friend tonight. In the end she settle on yoga pants, a tank top, and off-the-shoulder sweater. Comfortable, relaxed; the type of thing she always wore at home.

There was a sense of somewhat renewed peace in her veins, reaching the bottom of the stairs she saw that Judy had left and Rick was parked in front of the TV. She called out to him, "Want anything to drink? Green tea?"

He twisted his head part way around to look at her. "Again with the green tea? Trying to make it grow on me?"

"You move around too much for anything to grow on you; you fidget like you're five."

"What's wrong with that?"

She had to laugh at hat, it was so him, "Sometimes it's a little inconvenient Rick, other times it's one of the things I love about you."

He had apparently been struck speechless, though she wasn't sure by which part.

"Hey Rick? I invited Lanie over, to chat, okay?"

She only got a mumbled yes. After collecting the stemware and a bottle of Merlot, Kate settled down onto the sofa; and as she curled up Rick twirled his chair to face her.

"So Detective, uncomplicated fun really pushed your buttons, I saw the reaction; want to tell me what it meant?"

She really didn't want to bring up that old baggage, but eventually he'd need to hear it, so now was as good a time as any. "We were going through a tough patch, though we weren't even together back then. I'd been keeping a big secret, lying to you truth be told; you'd been hiding things too, but that wasn't the root of this little problem. Anyway, one thing led to another and you were dating a blond flight attendant, whom you called fun and uncomplicated, a dig at me really because I'm anything but."

He'd watched and listened patiently before asking, "What was the secret?"

She swallowed, took another sip of wine. "You told me you loved me after I was shot, and I told you I didn't remember it. I kept it secret for months, almost a year before you found out by accident."

He gritted his teeth, grinding out the words, "In the hospital you said you'd tell the truth from now on, right? I'll do the same as I remember. No more secrets?"

It was erie how the issues of their past had caught up already, but yes, from now on she'd agree to no more secrets and it was a promise she intended to keep.

"Agreed. No more secrets."

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There was a knock on the door and Kate leapt up to answer, sweeping Lanie inside with a hug, dragging her over to the sofa and getting resettled.

Lanie smiled over at him, "Hi Rick."

"Hello Lanie."

The conversation started off a little strained, no real context for Lanie and Rick to interact, though Kate continually drew on old cases with interesting victims; a attempting to provide some macabre common ground. Soon enough the discussion started to flow a little better, but mainly between Kate and Lanie, with Rick making only occasional interjections. His head though, was bouncing back and forth between the two of them as if he were watching a tremendously long tennis rally.

Eventually the first bottle of wine ran out, and Kate stood, leaning down to touch Castle on the shoulder even though he hadn't drunk any of it; any excuse was good. "I'll be right back Rick."

Rick and Lanie were having a good laugh when she got back with a second bottle of wine, Lanie's slightly tipsy voice carrying only a little way, "You should have seen how uptight she was before she met you Castle!"

"I helped her? Loosen up?"

"You helped her have fun Castle. I was so shocked she'd put a job above having fun in her life when she told me she'd taken it, with you still in the hospital. I really didn't know what to think."

Kate stopped halfway to the sofa, not sure what to do. She had not told Rick about taking then rejecting the job. His head turned towards her, "You took it? You said you hadn't decided."

She was temporarily at a loss for words, had eventually planned on explaining everything, but there had never been a good time. "Rick, I..."

He had a hand to his head, holding the side, apparently starting to feel some pain. "You did, didn't you. You decided to leave. Then, good for hypothetical boyfriend Rick, you decided to stay instead. But not a hour ago we promised no more secrets and now I find out you had a huge one all along."

Kate held her hands out towards him, almost begging him to hold them. "It was complicated Rick, there was a lot going on. I hadn't decided anything before the accident."

Rick looked over at Lanie, who promptly raised her hands in a 'leave me out of it' gesture, but he wasn't peturbed in the least. "Was this what our relationship was? Her lying? Me lying? Layer upon layer of fabrications because we didn't trust each other?"

Lanie started to speak before Kate spoke over her, "Lanie, please!"

Starting again, Lanie was allowed to comment this time. "I don't know what I can say about either of you to help. You both had poor track records of not talking to each other. Was it a lack of trust? I'll leave that for you to figure out. This is between you. I'll see you tomorrow Kate, at work, as an NYPD Detective; just remember that Rick. She's still here, everything is water under the bridge."

With that Lanie left, giving Kate a quick hug.

Kate turned to Rick again, her voice soft, trying to reach into him. "I was going to tell you eventually Rick. I promise you that."

Rick started to turn his chair away, pointing it in the direction of his office. "It's all water under the bridge now Detective. Like our relationship. You should leave now."


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**A/N: There a couple of (arguable) parallels that I tried to touch on in this chapter, don't know if I pulled it off well at all.**

**Beta Note: Thank you _elizabeth . bynog _for all the help.**

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Rick was stewing, he knew it; he'd apparently been lied to, and it wasn't the first time. Not the first time by Detective Beckett, and not the first time by a woman in his life either. He had probably lied also; he had secrets he didn't share, and got evasive with; but she knew many of those too, so perhaps he'd been less evasive with her than others. Two wrongs don't make a right though, and no matter what their history, she was perpetuating a giant lie even while promising no more lies? How could he ever trust her?

He had finished reading the Nikki Heat novels and could see the excitement he felt as an author in that character. No doubt he was obsessed by what he termed his "extraordinary muse", but clearly the Detective had wanted something other than an obsessed fan in her life. The character notes were fascinating, bridging stories between the fictional life he had constructed and the notes hand written on the life of Detective Kate Beckett.

A knock on the front door startled him from the immersion he had fallen into in reading notes, he wasn't expecting anyone who didn't have a key. He'd given a spare to Judy so she could get in to help him out of bed in the morning without bothering his mother or Alexis. Heading out of the office and into the den he saw the dead bolt had been thrown.

It was bit of an convoluted effort to open the door with his legs sticking out in front of him, but he eventually succeeded and allowed Judy entry into the loft.

She in turned flashed him a beautiful, happy smile. "Hi Rick. How are you doing tonight?"

Her happiness was a little contagious, but he still felt stretched thin by the problems of the day so far. "Ok I guess."

"Well, I guess doesn't sound too good does it? Come over here and let me check you out." She led him over to the sofa, where he parked the chair next to the side table; a lamp throwing off plenty of light.

Her examination followed its usual pattern: pulse, temperature, wound sites, queries about headaches and other pain. Then the questions, always pushing his brain.

"Wife stress you today Rick?"

Small talk on this topic wasn't what he wanted, wives had cause nothing but pain, "I'm not married. Divorced. Twice."

"Girlfriend then?"

He'd had a lot of experience with women feeling him out, trying to gauge his temperature and personal life before, both when single and married, some days he handled it better than others. Now though he was a free agent apparently, and Judy was trying to establish the lay of the land.

"No. No girlfriend."

Judy tilted her head, reached out to touch his cheek; the touch caught him by surprise, he twitched and the chair spun in place, knocking the side table, lamp crashing to the floor where it broke in half.

"Sorry! Sorry!"

He laughed, the situation just amusing for some reason. Judy quickly bent down, picking up the lamp pieces before winking at him, and heading to the kitchen, "I'll just get rid of this, it's broken now; no good to you anymore."

When Judy had disposed of the lamp pieces she once again crossed the den, stepping up behind his chair and putting her hands on his shoulders.

"You seem tense, a nice massage would be good, right?"

"I'm aways up for a massage, Judy."

She giggled, which sounded similar to how nurse Wendy had behaved, but different styles and all that. She started to move her hands, loosening the muscles in his neck, tight from holding position in the chair for so long. "It's a pity you're alone Rick. You're charming, handsome, successful, but do you get lonely Rick?"

Lonely? Did he get lonely, yes incredibly, he needed people around him, perhaps why he'd married Gina, for the company, though obviously that had become a horrible mistake in hindsight.

Her fingers were lightly massaging his neck, and the tension was easing, the addition of thumbs softly stroking his neck made him think this had become something other than a purely medicinal massage.

"You know, when you're better Rick, healthy, we should hang out. I like you."

"That might be fun Judy."

"When you're out of that chair, I'll treat you, take you out for a burger."

Rick always loved a good burger, at a restaurant, at home; burgers were fun, filling, family, hope. A juicy patty and bun, with a milkshake was always something to be looked forward to. So often it had been a treat he shared with Alexis as she grew up, something soggy, fattening and with a sweet dessert to reward her for a great report card. Given they were so common it was surprising she was as health as she was. The memories of what hadn't been lost were filling his mind and an irresistible smile crept its way across his face.

Judy was leaning in close as she leaned around the side of the chair, "So what do you think Rick? Interested?"

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Kate had watched Rick steer his chair over to his office, awkwardly zagging his way through the door. She turned away, approached the front door, and with only the briefest of hesitations turned the deadbolt firmly; locking herself in.

Giving herself a firm nod she turned and made her way upstairs, to her temporary quarters. Tossing the sweater aside, she threw herself on top of the bed, determined to relax, let the stress of the day fade away.

Leave? She almost broke out in laughter, the absurdity, he wanted her to leave because he thought she was going to leave him. Kate murmured to herself as she settled in, "Never going to happen."

She was tense, stressed, worried, and wound tight, but somehow the simple repetition of never, never, never, lulled her into sleep; a short restful nap.

The sound of a crash jarred Kate awake, triggering her to bolting upright in the guest bed; fear rushed through her veins as she reached for her gun and stood. She slipped quietly out of the bedroom and to the top of the stairs. Listening intently she heard voices, Ricks's easily identifiable, and the other not a familiar voice but identifiable enough as distinctly not male, not Jerry Tyson.

Kate relaxed, the unacknowledged tension that had been creeping into her shoulders as she neared the top of the stairs falling away at the female voice. She started down the stairs, only to pause as she heard a giggle, a distinctly feminine giggle. Listening carefully again she felt the tension return slowly. Judy was flirting, acting unprofessionally; she was supposed to be here to look after him, not hit on him! Kate started to fume internally, yes Rick was handsome, desirable, but that was no excuse for this kind of behavior from a professional.

The last straw came moments later.

"So what do you think Rick? Interested?"

Kate almost few down the stairs, stopping and staring at the scene. Judy was leaning over Rick, stethoscope pressed against his chest. As soon as Rick saw her, Kate could see his eyes narrow, anger beginning to cloud his features.

Deciding she'd deal with him later, neither of them was going anywhere, she gestured at Judy; realizing as she did that her hand still held her weapon. "Judy? May I have a word about the patient please?"

Rick apparently decided that discretion was the better part of valor, with Kate clothed in a tank and yoga pants, waving a pistol at Judy. He left them alone, whirring off once again to his office. Kate just hoped he didn't call 911.

There was no giggle in Judy's voice now, just a abundance of nervousness, "Detective?"

Kate rolled her shoulders, settling into an almost boxing stance, aggression audible in her tone too. "I'm going to make one thing perfectly clear Judy. Rick Castle is not available. Understood?"

Judy smirked, apparently her nerves over the pistol were fading fast. "I asked him Detective, he's not seeing anyone."

"Apart from what you were doing being completely unprofessional... He's got amnesia you idiot! He wouldn't remember if he got married last month."

"Unprofessional? I merely made some inquiries. Asked some questions, he seemed responsive. I certainly wouldn't date him while he..."

The flash of possessiveness that ran through her burned her nerve endings, driving her to step close, get right in Judy's face for additional emphasis, "You won't be dating him at all! He. Is. Mine. Understood?"

Judy started to open her mouth, some response apparently pending, when Kate barked again, "Understood? From now on you will act professionally, nothing more. I love him Judy, and I will do anything to protect the us I'm trying to rebuild. You do not want to get in my way."

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By the time Kate was done talking to Judy, she returned to Rick's office only to see that he was gone; the door to his bedroom closed against intrusion. She was torn, he clearly wanted to be left alone, especially by her, but at the same time this was something she felt needed to be dealt with now. Her decision had been made over and over, and she was unwilling to accept exclusion from his life. Ready and willing to accept that her choice, to barge in on him, might appear selfish, driven as it was by what she wanted, him, and not by his desires. At the same time she knew that time apart with the issue not dealt with would only let it fester and make any eventual confrontation even worse. Hiding things from each other had never ended well; tonight was proof once again of that lesson not being learned.

Heart beat accelerating, Kate grasped the door handle and twisted; the knowledge that it was unlocked easing some of her tension.

As soon as she stepped through the door Castle frowned, growling out at her "I told you to leave."

Kate knew it would be hard, vowed to herself to not respond with her usual vengeful anger, and spoke calmly instead, "No."

He was visibly frustrated at the response, "This is my home, you..."

She did belong here, knew exactly what he was going to say. "This was hours away from becoming my home too Rick."

"You walked away, you chose something else." She heard the bitterness in his tone, and was sightly shocked he could be so hurt by the perception of dissolution of a relationship that he never even knew existed as anything by an intellectual idea. He was an emotional man, but one capable of discussing murder in a purely conceptual, analytic manner; he only got emotional about things he cared about.

"I changed my mind." The feeling that ran through her as she voiced the words was unexpected; joy. She had to fight to keep a smile off of her face, fearing he would react the wrong way; she gave voice to the joy instead, releasing to him the knowledge she hoped he would embrace too.

"Just like that? Brush it all away because you changed you mind?"

"Not just like that, but don't I get another chance?"

"How many chances have you already had Detective?"

"More than one Rick. I admit that."

"You admit what? That you want another chance or that you made a mistake?"

How did he not already understand this? She wasn't yelling, but her voice was raised in response to that question. "God Rick! Yes I made a mistake! I changed my mind though and I'm not giving up here. Give me another chance like I want to give you."

"You give me another chance? What the hell are you..."

"Marriage Rick! I would have married you, I will marry you, be your third. I'm a one-and-done type of girl, in it forever. You've made mistakes in marrying Rick, and I want to give you one more, one last chance to do it right. All I ask is another for me, from you."

"You're comparing..."

"I'm not comparing anything! I don't know why your marriages failed Rick, I'd like to know but I don't. All that matters is that that they ended. That means they were mistakes, weren't right for you; because you fight hard, work at it, are incredibly patient, for things you actually want. But you gave yourself another chance after after those mistakes. All I want is for you to give me one too."

"You don't know anything about them? Did I refuse to tell you or did you never ask? I don't even really remember the details with Gina, but I can remember every vivid detail of what happened with Meredith. Yeah it was a mistake, from day one."

"I know Rick, you married her because she got pregnant with Alexis. You wanted the dream, the dream of a happy family; and your desire for that dream led you to make a mistake Rick, one you fixed later. The dream wasn't a mistake Rick, to want that, it was that the dream was misdirected, was with the wrong person, the wrong situation."

He spat out his response, "What's was your dream, Agent? The one you left me for?"

"I didn't leave Rick, not really. I changed my mind over a weekend; how long did it take you to end things with Meredith? How long did that mistake drag on before you realized the error?"

"I didn't end it, she did. Beside the point, why are you avoiding the question?"

Kate's heart was beating fast now. Meredith had divorced him? What had he done? It didn't matter. Didn't matter. She kept telling herself, as she responded, "I wanted to be all I could Rick, to reach my full potential. My first reaction Rick? Tempted by the job. After the accident it was the same, a knee jerk reaction to you not remembering me. That first reaction was a mistake, just like your first reaction to marry Meredith. You regretted that didn't you? No matter what you did, you still regretted that marriage. I regret my first reaction; leaving would have been so wrong."

"What I did? What I did? You think that I was at fault? Your first reactions tell us a lot don't they?"

"Evidently my first reactions to things sometimes lead me astray Rick. You said she ended it. I just assumed..."

Kate could see his eyes cloud over, he was reliving a memory, and a painful one judging by how his face twisted.

"She cheated on me Detective. With her casting director. She cheated on me to get a better job, and then left for California to chase that dream of more and bigger roles. Meredith tossed aside loyalty, faithfulness; the sex didn't mean anything to her, it was all for her career. She ran off and filed in six-month separation, no-fault California; while I stayed in one-year separation New York looking after Alexis. Details do matter Detective. Only those details don't seem to matter to you..."

"She told me you shut her out, didn't let her know you."

"She told you that? Clearly you didn't ask me about it. Maybe I did. The marriage, hell the whole relationship with her, was a mistake. I didn't tell her about Jordan though did I? Nobody! Nobody ever knew that. You have no claim that I didn't let you in."

"I know that Rick. I know that now, I know you better than anyone else ever has."

"And I don't know you at all."

"You did. You knew me better than anyone too."

"Did I? I knew another woman whose career was more important than me?"

Kate could see how a career issue could be particularly painful for him, someone thinking of their career first as priority, and worth leaving him over; how that could really hurt him. Meredith had apparently discarded him for her career, cheated on him with someone better connected for her to advance it, then walked away from him and their daughter.

"My career wasn't more important Rick."

Ricks's voice could only generously be called something other than a yell at this point, "That's even worse! You left anyway!"

He could be so frustrating sometimes, "I didn't leave! I turned down the job. In between was just a momentary blip Rick! I've run away from you when hurt before, I threw you out of my life when angry. You walked away from me when you were angry. But we've always ended up back together again. Always."

He seemed to deflated, just lose the fight he'd been showing, almost give up on the discussion if she could call it that. "I've been burnt by women before Detective, I don't know that I can open that door again. I'm tired, can you help me into bed, then just go away. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

"Please Rick. Give me one more chance, that's all I need. I'll do anything."

He was obviously joking, deflecting away from anger to his standard place of hiding behind humor as he responded, "Like strip naked and get into bed with me?"

That was the Rick Castle she knew, a quick smart mouth, "Sure."

"You are not serious!"

Grinning and shaking her head, she was glad they weren't fighting anymore, at least some temporary relief, a chance to regroup, "No, but then neither were you. So we're even. You want to see me naked? You've got pictures on your phone."

"Sure, 'cause looking at the centerfold in Penthouse is just as good as a real naked woman in bed."

"Too bad. You're too hurt to do anything anyway. We'd only end up disappointed Rick."

He waggled his eyebrows in that way he had, it sometimes annoyed her but then sometimes made her smile. "So when I'm healthy?"

"We already talked about it Rick. When you want a relationship, not when you want sex. To have that relationship you have to be willing to give me another chance."

"I could always fake it."

The grin that flashed across Kate's face was extremely amused, "I never faked it with you Rick. Don't you start with me."

"Zing! Detective that was not what I meant."

"I know, we'll talk more in the morning, you should rest now."

"Sure, rest, all this stress isn't good for me."

"I know Rick, but I had to talk to you, let me help you into bed."

Moving him from his chair to the bed was always a struggle, and tonight was no different. After he was down and she'd fetched his latest dose of medicine, he laid back and finally spoke as he closed his eyes, "Go away Detective."

His breathing was slowing, deepening, even as Kate, responded, "Until tomorrow Rick."


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**A/N: I'm adding them as fast as I can write them! Thanks for the reviews & comments. I'm not replying to them individually for this story, 'cos it's stressful enough as it is - but I really appreciate the feedback.**

**Beta Note: Thank you _elizabeth . bynog_ for all the help.**

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Rick's slumber was anything but restful. Despite the pharmaceutically-aided sleep, he had twisted and struggled to settle all night. The next morning early, before daylight was breaking through his windows, his eyes cracked open and new recollections began bouncing around the emerging edges of his consciousness.

He now vividly recalled the face of Detective Beckett, wrapped by a short-haired bob, glaring across a table at him. She had appeared upset, not pleased at all to be near him.

_"Mr. Castle, this whole bad boy charm thing that you've got going might work for bimbettes and celebutantes. Me? I work for a living. So that makes you one of two things in my world. Either the guy who makes my life easier or the guy who makes my life harder, and trust me, you do not want to be the guy who makes my life harder."_

The only other memory that had stuck to his waking mind was in the New York Public Library, and again, she had been unhappy with him.

_"Richard Castle! You are under arrest for felony theft and obstruction of justice."_

He had no idea how old the memories were, but he knew that he was obviously one of those guys that made her life harder, one she'd arrested for it too. It was hard to reconcile those memories with the woman who had been asking for another chance. She appeared to dislike him, if not hate him. Another chance at what?

He glanced at his clock. It was early, far too early for him to be awake normally; nonetheless he could hear the soft rattling of something in the kitchen. At this hour it was highly unlikely to be his mother, or Alexis for that matter; which left Detective Beckett as the most likely candidate. He knew he wasn't going to get more sleep, not without additional chemical aids at least.

He called out, trying not to wake the whole house, "Detective!"

There was a soft clatter, followed by approaching footsteps and an opening door. She was stood in the doorway in her sleep clothes; the hair stood out as the biggest distinction, long now, so different from the memories still flitting about the edges of his consciousness.

She was leaning on the door frame, her gaze perusing his still recumbent form, a small smile on her lips. "Morning Rick. I didn't think you'd be awake. I didn't wake you up did I?"

Rick didn't even acknowledge the question, wanting to get the elephant in the room off his chest, "I remembered seeing you at the New York Public Library."

If her smile before was small, it now broke radiantly across her face as she pushed herself away from the frame and across the room. A reaction he had not in any way anticipated, she was rapidly approaching. "That moment had everything I feel about you in it Rick."

Rick was momentarily stunned as she sat on the bed beside him, cupped his face and leaned down to kiss him. He turned his head, shying away with a confused look. "Stop."

She did immediately, pulling back from him slightly; a confused expression of her own rapidly developing. "Rick... At the library, we were so happy, we kissed, we..."

His voice was sluggish, and his brain had only barely broken free from slumber, but he did not recall happiness, but anger. "You had me arrested. Looked anything but happy."

He watched her sit up, more upright on the bed now, clearly not about to fall on him and smother him with kisses as it had looked she might. Never taking her eyes off of him, she spoke, "That was the first time Rick, it's why we met there the second time; that time it was tied to Tyson, after you broke out of jail..."

The adrenalin spike at that news woke him up completely. "I broke out of jail? That is so cool. What was I in for?"

She had a hand on his shoulder pressing him back onto the bed, making sure he didn't try any rapid unassisted movements. "Rick it's not important right now ok. I'll get you copies of all our case files, it's against policy, but I'll do it for you, then you can read the details. The point is that the first arrest, it became a bit of a joke to us. You remember the incident like it just happened, not like we do now. After Jerry came for you most recently, when we met at the library we were inseparable. You were happy, I was ecstatic that you were still alive. I'd hoped you remembered that meeting."

His knew his eyes would be shining brighter now though, the thought of case files intriguing him. "Sorry Detective, all I remember is an angry you; a fierce woman, but with that ferocity targeted at me. The case files would be interesting, I could build a timeline of my life over the last few years. How much time did we spend together? Will the files fill in a lot of time?"

"Five years we worked together Rick, hours and hours a day; the case files only fill in the bare bones of what happened though; I'll have to fill you in on the rest of our interaction."

He knew he had plenty of other information too, "I can compare them to my notes about you, a giant story jigsaw puzzle. I love puzzles, even if they can be frustrating at times."

There was a small note of surprise in her voice then, "You have notes about me?"

He wasn't sure how she could possibly be surprised; he was a writer, he made notes about everything. "Of course I have notes on you, they were the foundation of the Nikki Heat character. I've only glanced at the character notes so far though."

The hesitancy came through very clearly, "I'm not sure that's a good idea Rick."

Rick squinted, bothered by the lack of confidence she showed, she had just offered to show him the files, now she wanted take it back? "Why? Things to hide in those files? More secrets?"

Kate smiled wanly and shook her head, "Not the files Rick, there are some things in those that will need explaining, but we can talk about those; if you promise to talk with me about anything you find and not to let it eat at you and fester. The notes Rick, I don't know what they say, and we have 5 years of bumpy history."

"You're afraid I'll find things in them you don't want me to remember."

"Honestly? Yes, there are things I'd rather have never happened, that only caused problems between us. Too many of those things read all together, because you'll speed read everything, and I don't know how you'll react."

"You want to know my reaction in advance? To control it? To control me?"

He knew his voice was a little harsh, but it's was quickly washed away by her tinkling laugh. "Control you? Really? Cuffing you to a car never controlled you Rick. You never did what I told you."

"Then why don't you want me to read my own notes?"

She patted him on the shoulder, trying to be reassuring, "I think you took it the wrong way, I want you to know about us, our history; but I want your reaction to be shared. To not keep things inside where they can hurt us."

"Because we shouldn't keep secrets? You're a fine one to talk."

"Rick... Let's just not do this right now ok? I kept a secret I shouldn't and it hurt you; you've done things you shouldn't that hurt me. We'll overcome all this if you can trust me a little and we can give us both another chance."

"You don't want to do this now? Or at all?"

"Rick I have to go to work soon, but I'll be back tonight. I'll be back every night. We have plenty of time to talk."

Until the one day she decided not to come back? To take some other route to her own future, leaving him behind just like Meredith had? Not the topic for right now, but something that needed to be addressed eventually. He tried for a wry response instead, "Until I change the locks?"

He saw her face absolutely freeze, the pulse in her neck accelerate slightly. Not the result he'd been looking for with a gentle joke, but perhaps that particular topic was too sensitive for her.

She blinked and swallowed, but before she could respond he spoke. "It was a joke Kate, I'm not planning on changing the locks. I need to know my story too badly, and I think that you're the only one that can tell it to me."

She nodded silently, then began wordlessly to help him from the bed into his chair. She then walked slowly from the room, stopping at the door and looking back at him.

"I'm making coffee, I'll make some green tea for you."

That was an idea he did not want to get behind. "It hasn't helped, it tastes funny, and it's hard to stomach."

She glanced back over her shoulder as she left his room, "Hard things don't come back over night, sometimes they're worth working for. The tea is good for you. Drink it Rick, and someday it'll be worth your while."

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On the drive over to the precinct Kate was of mixed emotions; he had recalled an interaction. Now at least he knew they had a history from some mechanism other that having it told to him. It was a negative memory though and possibly, if Doctor Andrews was correct about only older memories returning, they would all be negative ones. Their future may be contingent on her ability to construct positive new memories from the rubble of shattered bad ones. It was a job she was willing to take on, but had no idea what her chances of success actually were.

As soon as she pulled into a spot in the parking garage below the precinct, Kate hit speed dial on her phone, connecting to Martha's voicemail.

"Martha, it's Kate, umm, Beckett. Please call the nursing service and have Wendy reassigned. Judy was hitting on Rick yesterday and it's just not professional. He needs medical care, not a bimbo. If he gives you any trouble I'll take care of it. Please. Call me if you need me to elaborate."

Clicking disconnect, Kate sighed a deep breath and released the tension in her shoulders. She was still a little stressed. Judy would be the first medical visit that morning, and she hoped that her scare kept everything straight long enough for Wendy to come back into the fold.

Riding the elevator to the Homicide floor, she contemplated her plans for the day. Presuming no new body, and she was hopeful in that regard, then she needed to collect copies of slightly over 100 case files. As the senior detective she could make copies of any of her teams files without setting off any bizarre access request red flags. She had considered the scope of the task on the way over, deciding to only provide Rick with copies of her own reports rather than those of the entire team; her's were typically the most complete anyway, so little would be missing in terms of essential details. At least for most reports, those from the guys would likely have additional details in some cases, such as her first back after her shooting, Esposito's particularly in the sniper case, what had gone on outside of Fosse's apartment, and Ryan's report on the sniper incident in the hotel room. All extraneous details that could be filled in later as necessary. Her reports alone would do for now, that would give Rick plenty to work with.

She greeted the guys at their desks and set to work, hoping there would be no body drop and that she'd make it back to the loft relatively early tonight.

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"You! What are you doing here."

"I came to finish the job."

"Get out!"

"Sorry, but no."

"I'll call the cops."

That brought out a dry chuckle, "I don't think they'll be helping you this time."

Seriously, it seemed like his healthcare was turning into a game of musical chairs, Judy had seemed very hesitant earlier, and now Wendy was back.

Rick tried his hardest to be intimidating, but that worked best when he could loom over someone; a little difficult to do confined to a chair with two broken legs. "I believe my mother made arrangements with another nurse."

Wendy had already put down her bag and was pulling out the tools of her trade; or the trade Rick thought she should be following, thumb screws, a cattle prod; she did actually pull out a stethoscope. Turning once again to address him, "Your mother called me back. I only accepted because she was nice, and you'll be paying me time and a half. You and me better start getting along, just act like a grown up and everything will be fine."

"Why do you have to be so harsh? Smile occasionally. Tell a joke."

"Mister Castle, your condition is not a joke. I take it very seriously and so should you. Judy should have taken it a bit more seriously too from what I hear. Our supervisor had words with her."

The clatter of stilettos down the stairs drew Rick's gaze to where Martha was ambling down from the upper floor. He immediately glared at Wendy and spoke to his mother. "A word please?"

Withdrawing into his office, he waited for her to join him, which she eventually did after some discussion he couldn't make out with Wendy.

"Yes, kiddo?"

"Why is Wendy back? I asked for a new nurse, what was wrong with Judy?"

Martha gave him a glance, one that said 'seriously?' before speaking. "Katherine told me she was hitting on you, and regardless of her feelings on the matter, I don't think it was appropriate for your nurse to ask you out to dinner. So I made an executive decision in your best interests."

"Kate asked you to do that? How did she even know?"

"Richard dear, she overheard. I did speak to her this morning; I wouldn't disregard your wishes just to be cavalier. You need a nurse, not someone distracted by your money and reputation."

He tried to remain calm, but he was starting to get irritated by the constant changes and revolving door of people he had to deal with. He was having enough memory problems as it was without faces switching on him every day. He needed constants to hang on to, pillars of support while everything else was so jumbled. There were no real constants in his life anymore, not beyond Martha, Alexis, and increasingly now, Kate.

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When Kate got back to the loft at 6pm with a bundle of files under her arm, she found it strangely silent. Rick wasn't in the den, nor his office; though bumping his laptop showed he had been at some point. The screen lit up with a page of notes, a couple of names immediately catching her eye: Beckett and Sorenson. It was obvious that he'd been reading his notes about their early history, something that case files wouldn't add much to in all likelihood.

Opening the bedroom door, she saw him snoozing; apparently someone had helped him to bed for a nap. Kate eased herself slowly onto the bed beside him, touching his forehead gently and stroking her thumb across his hairline. Her voice spoke softly, trying to not wake him. "Come back to me Rick, back to us, give us one more chance. I love you."

His voice was gravely, still clouded by sleep. "Tell me about Sorenson."

Kate didn't stop her stoking of his head; if he didn't object, she'd take the comfort in touch that it could provide. "We'd dated for a while, six months maybe. We were over well before you two met."

He still hadn't opened his eyes, or early changed his breathing, only the voice let her know he was awake. "I saw you kissing him didn't I."

She was tempted to lay down beside him, but simply let her hand continue it's slow motion instead, "Maybe. I did kiss him I think, or he kissed me, I don't recall. Just because I did doesn't mean I had any interest in anything more, and certainly not getting back together with him. We broke up for a reason."

His eyes finally cracked open, meeting hers. "And what was that reason?"

There was no doubt he knew. She'd told him at the time, she was sure he'd have included it in any notes, but maybe the real reason hadn't yet sunk in. "Why? I didn't love him Rick."

He was just staring at her, waiting, and eventually she spoke again. "That's the real reason Rick. He took a job in Boston without consulting me until after the fact, just expected me to pick up and follow him. I know what you're hinting at Rick, but I'm still here, not in DC."

"But you were close to going."

"Close only counts in horseshoes and with hand grenades. I'm still here. With you. I didn't go with him because I didn't loved him; I'm still here because I do love you. If I didn't, I'd probably be in DC now. I'm not, let that speak for me."

"It's hard Kate, hard to know what to think when I don't know us."

Kate let a note of determination enter her voice. "You will, either because you'll remember, or because we'll rebuild. I'm not giving up, I'm willing, more than willing to be patient. Trust me Rick. Let me be there for you as you heal."

He didn't say anything, but Kate took solace in the fact that during their talk about another man, he had not even attempted to shake her hand from from where she was touching his skin.

He was still watching her, not saying anything, when she spoke again. "You want to rest more? I'm going to make some dinner ok?"

He just mumbled tiredly, struggling to sit up, "Help me up, I'll come sit with you."

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Rick had pulled himself up alongside the kitchen counter and was perusing case files when Kate came back down stairs, having changed into a more casual outfit. The first case where he'd run into Detective Beckett had certainly been interesting. He'd remembered a few details, but not that the inspiration had been his books, though with notable and important details in error.

The rattling of pans distracted him as he prepared to read the second case and Kate's voice drew his attention immediately. "Mac and cheese with chicken. You need protein and calcium. That ok?"

"That's absolutely fine. We could just order in if you want."

She grinned over at him and wiggled her fingers, it seemed somehow a thing much more simply fun that he had expected from her. "No. I wanna cook. Gives me something to do with my hands. When's Wendy coming by next?"

Wendy, not Judy. Because Kate had intervened. "Why did you call my mother and have Wendy come back? I don't like her."

There was not even a momentary pause as Kate kept up her preparations, pulling the chicken from the freezer and starting a defrost cycle. "Because she was unprofessional Rick. She had a job to do, should have done that and nothing more."

He just observed for a while, in the full knowledge he hadn't been professional all the time, though as an author that was an ambiguous statement at best, but he needed to poke, prod, pick at a potential scab, just to see. "Have you ever been unprofessional Detective?"

That question did cause a slight pause, and an expected response, "Of course."

"Did you get fired? Get another chance?"

A deep breath was the prelude to her response, "I've been suspended, removed from cases; I've usually faced consequences. Judy didn't get fired, she just won't be working here anymore."

"But why not just a warn..."

Both hands on the kitchen counter as she gave him something of a frustrated frown, "Fine! She was unprofessional and I was jealous. That what you wanted to hear?"

He smiled at her, "Just wanted to hear the truth."

Back at it, filling a pan with water. "Unprofessional was a truth. One day Rick, you're going to find a truth about us you don't like; just make sure you let me push you the same way. It's a two way street. Remember that Ricky."

Perhaps he'd pushed a little too far, she seemed exasperated with him. "Any particular cases that were interesting?"

"Flip forward a few, look for the little girl that got kidnapped, it's where you met Will. You seem fascinated by him."

He did, the case was interesting enough, but his own notes on their interaction were far more interesting in his view. He knew from the structure on his notes that there was a gap coming, a few more weeks and then a large chuck of missing time where he'd either had nothing to write, or far more likely had had no interaction with Detective Beckett. Just the existence of a gap tickled his interest, he'd clearly been fascinated, perhaps even obsessed with her; he couldn't imagine that it had been his choice. Something had happened, something big, and he wanted to know what.

"I'm going to be in my office, ok?"

Kate had a slightly querying expression, "Sure Rick. I'll come get you when dinner's ready."

He withdrew to his office, curiosity now too much; the notes now far outweighing the case files. Clicking his track pad he woke the computer from sleep and quickly flipped through his notes to the last few pages before the break. Reading carefully, the weight of their meaning pressed down on him; not just about what they said, but even more so about what he had done. His curiosity, determination to know the whole story, had resulted in knowledge but at a price. He knew why there was a gap now, but not why it was a gap and not an end.

Her voice caught him by surprise, he was distracted by his internal ruminations, "What you doing?"

He couldn't help it, the sheer magnitude made him blurt it out, "You mom was murdered!


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**A/N: While I absolutely hate being subject to a cliffhanger myself, particularly for months; it seems I have no problem at all imposing a cliffhanger on my three remaining readers. Enjoy.**

**Beta Note: Thank you _elizabeth . bynog_ for all the help.**

**Edit Note 9/30/23: Changed back to incomplete by way of a mea culpa. I'll try and work in a more satisfying ending for people. No idea how long it will take, I apologize, but I am severely unmotivated by the show right now.**

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The effort required to get in the back of the car was extreme, climbing from the chair to a bed was positively simple in comparison. Rick had hired a stretch limousine for the trip rather than a Towncar, the extra space to stretch out his legs was totally worth it. He was going to tip extra for the driver heaving the chair into the back of the car; it was not a minor proposition, the thing must be really heavy.

They had talked some the night before, after his revelation of her mother's murder; she had been hesitant to speak of the subject and he could tell even now it was a sore topic. Not surprising after what he had learned this morning reading the rest of hisnotes. Last night though he didn't know the entire story, just that he had poked his nose into a personal matter that she had specifically told him to stay away from. In light of that he thought the evening went remarkably well, they'd eaten, chatted aboutgeneric things; stayed well away from difficult topics. There was a certain nervous tension between them, both knowing that a landmark topic had been broached, but Rick was unsure how to proceed.

The next morning has some of the same hesitation, Kate had started to say things several time but stopped each time with a rueful smile, and comments to the effect of him not knowing the whole story yet. That is what had inspired him, after she left for work, to really dive into the rest of his notes.

Rick felt the weight of guilt now as he sat in the back of the car, guilt of such a scale that he had never experienced was his fault. The deaths, near deaths, and the secrets that had stemmed from them; he blamed himself even where the notes had been simple objective statements he could read between the lines.

The whole thing felt like he was a participant in an Indiana Jones movie. He's seen the shiny idol, the story of a murder, and despite all the warning signs pasted around it, he just hadn't been able to resist the temptation apparently. He'd grabbed it with relish, dived in and absorbed the case. As always happens in those movies though, the whole thing was booby trapped. Not the case file itself, but it had triggered the first rolling marble of some overly complex Rube Goldberg device, small movements building on bigger ones, tripping other devices until finally that giant boulder started rolling down the slope. Only it didn't rolltowards him, but towards those around him or more so around Kate. That giant boulder had killed Montgomery, almost killed Detectives Ryan and Esposito, and almost killed Kate on more than occasion. There had been lies and secrets kept, pain and hurt both physical and emotional and both of them ejecting the other from their lives.

While he freely acknowledged the one saving grace, that he had never been the one to directly kill anyone; he also recognized that none of it would have happened if he hadn't grabbed the shiny gold idol of a case file that had been hidden safely in archives. He'd pushed and there'd been consequences. The whole story was laid out by his own hand in narrative, the story of poking where he didn't belong, and people dying as a result.

He lacked the five years of detailed history that went with those notes, what had happened, how he had gotten over the guilt hemust have felt; how he had re-established a professional relationship and turned that into a personal one with Detective Beckett.

There were so many other things in those notes too, she might not have wanted to get back together with Sorenson, but she had with Demming and Doctor Motorcycle boy. Apparently he'd been willing to wait around through all that, salving his sorrows in part by disastrously getting back together with Gina. He'd done other stupid things too, patently foolish when looked at through the objective eyes he had now, not clouded by emotions, just the story discovery.

His mind had not even begun to get around knowledge that Alexis had been kidnapped, but the notes were skimpy, whatever had gone down Kate had only a slight connection to her recovery. He had now discovered who Tyson was too, his good buddy Jerry was a scary nasty killer; but he'd put it aside from conscious thought, better not remembered and not acted upon lest unwelcome attention be drawn.

In all though, the biggest thing, relationship aside, whatever that meant; without the cloud of emotion or even perhaps forgiveness from others, he could see what he had done, and it had gotten people killed.

Curiosity hadn't killed the cat, it had killed people. He didn't know how to face that, the pain inside, how he would talk to Kate about it, how he could face the other detectives, Montgomery's wife. It was all too much to deal with, he needed time to think, process, perhaps build the next part of the story. So he had made some calls and by noon he was on his way to find solitude in the Hampton's.

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Beckett had reached the precinct on the dot of 8am, things were a little off with Rick after he'd read his notes about his original prying into her mother's case. Despite the fact that she'd forgiven him long ago, and that the prying had eventually led to the discovery of Bracken, the whole topic was still a raw nerve no matter how old. It put a bit of strain on the morning too as she made him his green tea, when he discovered how far they had come, albeit on a rocky bumpy journey, then everything would bein context again. Though she thought it best to let him discover on his own, build the story in his mind rather than have her put together a time line and frame the history for him.

It was another paperwork day, the guys were playing cards and Kate had decided to try her hand at making a origami castle. She was absolutely sure if she was in DC right now there'd be no time for such distraction, she'd be busy on some national security case instead. No time for such distraction, and she was sure she could have excelled, advanced, taken more responsibility; lost herself in a job once again. Time was scarce though, Rick's near death had shown her that; he could be lost to her at any moment, and what she wanted was time with the old Rick more than time invested elsewhere. He needed her, and her priorities of where to spend time had changed as a result. Whether they should have changed, or been there all along was a topic she felt no desire to overanalyze; the accident provided an epiphany moment and that was all that mattered.

The day was moving slowly, and about noon she decided to text Rick, see if he wanted to eat together since she could easily spare some time away from the precinct. Just after she sent the text though her cell rang [Dispatch]. Collecting the details, she frowned; it set her senses tingling, before calling out to Ryan and Espo, "Guys, we got a body. Central Park, The Rambles, we'll get the details when we arrive."

They started gathering their gear and just as they were leaving, Gates stuck her head out of her office. "Beckett, one moment. Ryan, Esposito, go ahead, she'll catch up in a few minutes."

Beckett had no idea what was going on. "Sir?"

Gates was holding out three files, pushing then into Beckett's hands. "Pick one by the end of the week. Your new partner Detective."

She didn't want or need a partner, never had until Castle, and didn't want anyone but him now either. "But Sir! I don't need a partner."

Gates was given her a relatively severe, by the book look, "Yes you do. Policy. Captain Montgomery let you bend the rules for too long, hell so did I while Mister Castle was here. He isn't now, and likely won't be coming back. So you pick a partner or I assign one to you. End of the week detective. Dismissed."

Beckett was distracted on the way to the scene, having tossed the three files onto the passenger seat and fuming quietly. So distracted she'd forgotten to call Castle about the body and tell him she wouldn't be bringing lunch over. It wasn't until she hadwalked through The Rambles and spotted a uniform eating a hot dog that she suddenly remembered.

Quickly pulling out her phone she called, speaking before he could get a word in. "Sorry Rick. We caught a body and I can't bring lunch over."

Ryan had stuck he head out from a cluster of bushes as she was talking and was gesturing urgently, he had barely begun to speakas she talked over him, "I gave to go, I'll be back to the loft as soon as I can get away tonight, but it might be late you know how it is. Love you. Bye."

Beckett hadn't even let him respond, instantly dropping into full detective mode as she approached Ryan.

He was giving her an unhappy look as she approached, so she snapped at him, "What? I'm a couple of minutes behind, had to call Castle."

Ryan shook his head and started to pull back into the over grown greenery. "Not about that Beckett. You are not going to like what we found."

The tingling sense of something being very wrong was back, "Tell me Ryan."

Esposito started to speak instead, from where he was stood next to the body, standing over Lanie as she worked, "We've got Jamie Schneider, 27, blond, blue eyes, 5 foot 5 inches, all matches the ID. No sign of robbery or sexual assault, looks like she was out for a jog. She's been posed here. Cause of..."

Lanie looked up from the body, butting into the conversation. "Kate, cause of death is strangulation. There's green nylon in the wound. It matches the MO.."

"Tyson. It was Tyson."

"I'll have to take her back to the morgue for a precise time of death, but right now I'd say between 6am and 8am."

Kate was distracted, but knew the first thing she needed to do, she pulled out her phone and called Gates.

"Detective? What do you have?"

Beckett responded, trying to keep everything in the purely professional level, "Sir. It's Tyson, he's back and active. Strangled a blond, the green nylon marker is here."

"Understood detective, all resources necessary are authorized; how about we get this scumbag this time?"

"Yes Sir. About those resources Sir, I would like a detail assigned to Castle; he won't like it, but he may be at risk, he's the only man who's seen Tyson recently."

"Hold detective."

There was a pause, and some really quite awful hold music while Kate waited anxiously. Then Gates was back, "I've sent two uniformed officers over to check on and wait with him until something more formal can be worked out."

"Thank you sir."

"Find Tyson Detective, and make the whole problem go away."

"Yes Sir."

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A solid half hour later everyone was back at the precinct, beginning the laborious process of assembling a murder board. It wasnot Beckett's first experience with Tyson, but nonetheless it felt strange to place the first photo up on the board under perpetrator. They knew who did it, they just needed to find him and ensure that he never did it to anyone else.

While Jamie Schneider was possibly just a randomly chosen victim, they ran phone records, financials, all the usual background checks. Jamie was a second year associate at a major investment bank, and her parents were coming into town from Boston in the afternoon; a conversation that Beckett was not looking forward to at all.

Her phone rang, indicating [Dispatch] once again, but she hoped it wasn't another new body already, Tyson related or not.

"Detective Beckett."

The voice at the other end was hesitant, a little young and unsure. "Err. Detective? This is officer Charlie Miles. Captain Gates sent me over to check on a Mister Castle. His doorman won't let us in, says nobody is answering the phone upstairs, and it was a courtesy right? So we don't have a warrant."

Beckett was a little frustration. Yes Castle's building was secure, but all the officer had to do was mention the 12th or her name and he would have been waved though. "Pass me to Eduardo please."

She heard muttering about Detective Beckett wanting to talk to him, and some shuffling of handsets, followed by a far more confident voice, "Hello?"

"Eduardo. It's Kate Beckett. I need you to let the officers upstairs please, into the loft to check on Castle."

The response was not at all what she was expecting, "I'm sorry but I can't do..."

Not at all, so she butted in, "Eduardo! Did he tell you not to let anyone in?"

She heard the smile in his voice as he spoke, "Not at all Detective, but you have a key. I couldn't very well let the officers into an empty apartment unsupervised. He's not at home Detective, I thought perhaps Miss Castle would be, but Mister Castle, well he left about an hour ago."

Kate felt a moment of panic, just a tiny shiver of fear. He'd left an hour ago, right about when the body had been discovered. Something about all this felt off.

"Do you know where he was going Eduardo?"

"I'm afraid not, but Mrs Rodgers left just after he did. She may know. Sorry I can't be more help Detective."

"Thanks Eduardo. Can you tell the officers to head back to the 12th please. Thanks."

Beckett hung up and immediately turned toward the guys who where running background on their victim. "Ryan, run Castle's phone right now! I want to see any text messages he got this morning."

Both Ryan and Esposito looked up a little startled, "Castle's phone?"

"Guys he's gone, left the loft about the time the body was discovered; something seems off, he's in not state to be going anywhere. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but maybe it's not. I'm going to call Martha, you run his phone."

Espo understood a little of her reaction, but still there seems to be an easy way to answer some of the questions, "Why not justcall him?"

Beckett didn't slow, striding off towards the break room, "Because if it is to do with Tyson, if it's the worst case and Tyson has him, calling him isn't going to get us anywhere."

Once in the break room she quickly called Martha, wasting no time with pleasantries and speaking right over the greeting. "Kather.."

"Martha, do you know where Rick is?"

"Of course, he went to the house in the Hamptons, he didn't tell you?"

Kate relaxed a little, but not completely, there was still a serial killer on the loose who had a serious hankering for making Rick's life as miserable as possible. It did seem less likely that Tyson had him currently though. It also didn't make a lot of sense, they'd had a bit of a strained patch and the first thing he does is run off? After he'd pushed her? She was going to give him a piece of her mind when she caught up to him.

For right now though, she'd take the little comfort she could, "No he didn't tell me Martha."

Maybe Martha's currently role in whatever play she was working on was that of a profiler, "You seemed worried Katherine, is there anything going on?"

Kate drew a deep breath, she might not be able to get Rick to understand just how scary Tyson was, but perhaps a double team would work better. They tried before and it hadn't but now they had hard information, if she shared with Martha. "We had a body today Martha, just about lunch time, right when Rick apparently left; I was worried."

It was quite impressive really, for so many people discussion of a dead body put a damper on things, not for Martha Rodgers though, "Why on earth dear? Bodies are hardly unusual in your line of work."

"I know, but it just felt off immediately. The victim was dumped in Central Park, The Rambles."

There was an almost wistful tone in Martha's voice to begin with, remembrance of bygone days, but that ended fairly quickly, "Such a lovely place for a walk Katherine, perhaps less so now I know this."

Kate hadn't been holding back, but it was time to let the cat out of the bag, "It was Tyson. His MO."

Martha voice switched completely, from her mothering, actor mentoring light tone to a cooler, firmer serious one she only deployed on rare occasions, "Tyson."

"Yes, he dumped her near the top of The Rambles, deep in the undergrowth, a park ranger found her."

"Katherine? I realize you have other things on your mind, but how close to the top?"

"Well it was a pretty winding path to get there, you know The Rambles, but high up."

The tone was firm, but questioning, "Just out of sight of Belvedere then? Hidden near the castle?"

She couldn't believe she'd missed it, that all the other distraction of the day had compounded and she'd overlooked something soobvious in hindsight. It was Tyson all over. He'd dumped the body so close, hidden in shadow while Belvedere Castle loomed just out of sight; standing sentinel over Central Park and The Rambles. He was taunting Castle, but obviously if Castle didn't remember anything there'd be no reaction from him; but if he did then Tyson would expect something.

Worse possible coincidence? Castle deciding to leave town the moment Tyson's latest victim was discovered? Kate had no doubt that Rick had left for some other reason, but Tyson might not see it that way. Might not see it that way at all.

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Rick's phone was ringing when he finally roused himself from an uncomfortable doze, he pulled it out of his pocket just as it stopped ringing, leaving it's little message behind [Five missed call], but that only stayed on the screen for a few moments before it started ringing again. Apparently Kate was determined to reach him.

He answered, or at least connected, but didn't get a word out, just as he hadn't the last time she'd called, before she was barking orders at him. "Rick! Turn that car around right now and get back to the city."

"Kate, I just need..."

Again she wouldn't let him talk, tell her why he needed space, "Rick, listen to me, Tyson is back, we have one victim already, Ido not want you to be the next one ok? There's no one to watch your back in the Hamptons, it is not safe. You need to come home."

"What makes you think he's going to come after me? I barely remember anything, and all I do know comes from old notes."

That redirected questioning from her end, "You read about Tyson?"

"I read all my notes this morning Kate. I may not remember things as they happened, but I know them now."

"Some of the things you read made you want to...No! We'll talk about it in person, when you get home. Turn the car around Rick, you can't run from this, or from Tyson."

"Seeking solitude to think and recover is not running away Kate. I thought you might understand that."

"Right at this moment everything else is secondary, you left town right as Tyson's victim was discovered Rick. He's going to seethat as a sign, a red cape to a bull. Whatever he had in mind for a reunion, I've got no doubt it's in play now. Last time Rick. Come home."

He'd never liked ultimatums, and he didn't like this one either, "If I don't?"

The sigh at the other end of the line meant she knew, heads were being butted, "If you don't? I'll be out at the house in three or four hours with cuffs and a material witness warrant. I will not let your life be put at risk, by you or anyone else."

His notes told him she'd done the same, put her life at risk time and again, never listening to him about how reckless it was; but she was right, she could drag him back kicking and screaming if she wanted. It was an ultimatum he couldn't fight.

He spoke to the driver through the lowered partition, "Turn around, back to where you picked me up please."

Rick spoke only one word into the phone then "Satisfied?" Then he hung up.

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Kate had instructed Ryan to continually ping Rick's phone, making sure that he did turn around, and when he had her heart beat a little easier. It would take him probably around two hours to get back, and she planned to be waiting his arrival when he apparently had some more things to sort out regarding whatever he'd read this morning.

Time right now was better spent digging for anything, absolutely anything that stuck out regarding their victim. So far there was nothing. Her parents would be here in a few hours, roughly the time Rick was due back in the city. Normally she always handledthe notifications, one of the things she was best at, had always been complimented on by Montgomery, empathy for families and victims. This time though, she was going to pass that responsibility on to someone else; she had a higher priority thing to takecare of.

Nothing really was added before her train of thought was interrupted by Ryan. "He's just exited the Midtown tunnel Beckett."

She was off, tossing a thank you over her shoulder as she headed straight to the elevator. No real hurry, she knew she'd beat him back to the loft, the precinct was closer than the tunnel exit by a good distance.

She had parked and was propped against the wall of Castle's building by the time his car pulled up; at which point she pushed herself away from the wall and immediately jerked the limo door open and stuck her head inside.

"What were you thinking Rick? Seriously?"

He was tucked in the back glaring at her, "Seriously? At least help me out of the car before giving me the third degree."

Kate withdrew her head and helped the driver extricate the chair from the trunk of the limo, positioning it so that she could gently pull Rick from the car, whispering in his ear as she did, "I will hold my tongue until we get upstairs."

She did, kept her promise until she had closed the loft door behind them; only then did she let him have it, not with a gentle consoling tone of voice, but with a hard questioning almost yelling one, "What do you think you were doing!? You push me, prod me; then the first time you feel stressed you bug out for the Hamptons?"

"Detective..."

"Do not Detective me Rick! Do not. I want to know what is going on. I told you that you wouldn't like some of the things you read. I told you we had to talk about them. We need to talk about them. But you didn't. You left instead. Didn't want to face it!"

"No! No I didn't! People died Kate. I made that happen!"

Kate paused, had to recalibrate. This was not her Risk, but one who had their entire history, the entire history of the conspiracy behind her mother's shooting, compressed into one morning of reading. So much at once.

Her voice softened materially, she needed to pull him back to reality, it wasn't his fault, what had happened had not been his fault. "Rick, you may have poked where you shouldn't but you didn't cause the problems, they were already there, all of it lays at the feet of Bracken, not you."

His eyes were squeezed tightly shut now, his brow furrowed. "I may not have pulled the trigger that killed Roy, but I loaded thegun Kate; when I opened the door I loaded the gun that killed him, that shot you. That's on me."

Kate crouched down beside him, grasping his hand. "You can't blame yourself Rick, not for every little consequence. Am I to blame for you being in this chair? You were distracted because I asked you to meet me at the swings. Am I responsible for Jamie's death, jogging in that park, because I didn't catch Tyson the last time? You, I, we can't hold ourselves responsible for every consequence of our actions Rick, some things just can't be foreseen."

Rick squeezed her hand in turn, "Can we not talk about it right now? I grant I shouldn't have left, I should have stayed to talk it through with you rather than leaving to deal with it on my own. But not now ok? Tomorrow maybe, let me get my head around everything a little first."

A kiss on the back of his hand sealed the bargain for her, "Just so long as you promise to be around to talk Rick, I'm willing to be here too. We can work it all out together."

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Rick didn't know precisely what it was that woke him, not a noise, just a sense of something; a quick glance showed his alarm at3:23am, worse he could see where the low light from it's LED display allowed the slightest outline of a person to be seen justinside the closed door to his bedroom.

The voice was familiar, only slightly though, recollection recent but memorable given everyone else's reaction to it, "Hello, Castle."

Rick remained calm, not much choice really, he had nowhere to go, nothing he could do in his condition. Yelling wouldn't help, whatever Tyson was going to do it'd be well over before help could arrive.

"Hello Tyson."

The shadow stepped closer and he saw a unpleasant grin stretched across the face, and a silenced pistol in his right hand. "Ah, Castle, so you remember me now?"

A certain precision with words was always good, "I know about you."

"Hmm, well that is interesting, a writer making semantic distinctions. Know about, not remember. Very interesting."

"What do you want Tyson?"

Jerry Tyson stepped even closer then, voice rising just. Voice still little more than a controlled whisper, no inclination to cause a disturbance just yet apparently, "Really? What do I want? You never cared before Castle. When I wanted to be left to restart my work elsewhere and you had to interfere, then again when you got yourself out of jail and Detective Beckett didn't lose it as a result. Always interfering and now you want to know what I want?"

Rick now knew why Kate rolled her eyes, sometimes it was just the thing to do, "Not really, just making conversation. Feel free to leave."

The gun's silenced barrel was now pressed against his forehead, so Rick concluded Tyson was not up for much of the jovial banter tonight. The barrel wasn't being ground into his skin, it just rested there as Tyson continued to speak. "I'm surprised you came back to the city Castle, my latest piece of work right under your nose and you ran, a smart move, staying out of my way. Not interfering. Then you came back, came back to help the cops; not such a smart move Castle. You should learn to keep your nose out of things that don't concern you, or one day it might get someone killed."

"Why are you here Tyson? To gloat?"

"Gloat? No. To see if you remembered, and you do; or at least you know, and that's close enough."

"We've got a bit of a standoff here you know Tyson. All I have to do is yell and Detective Beckett will come running downstairswith a gun. You'll never get away."

"Perhaps, but you would be dead and I don't think you want that. Plus I'd know she was coming and have the element of surprise. I think I could probably get you both and still walk out of here. You want to take that chance?"

"I don't like those options."

"No I don't suppose you do. I could pop you in the head here and walk out, you die but your Detective lives; or I could walk outand let you both live for now, we could visit again later; or my favorite, you get all self-sacrificial, scream like a girl, I kill you and your Detective and still walk away. Anyway it happens Castle, I'm walking away from this; the only question is whether you are. Not walking obviously, but living at all after tonight."

Rick didn't see the options quite the same way, he'd seen how carefully Kate had descended the stairs after the broken lamp withJudy, she wasn't the type to rush in unaware even when she suspected Tyson. If he called out, screamed, like a girl or not, hethought the chances were good that Kate would end Tyson, that Jerry wouldn't get to walk away. Neither would Rick, there'd be no escape if he called out; just a bullet to the head. It was a strange reversal from his guilt the prior morning, his actions years ago had started the ball rolling to death and near death; now his actions could stop a killer.

Tyson gave a push with the gun, trying to jog Rick into action, and hissed, "Pick!"


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**A/N: The crack about the readers was a joke :) Fairly obviously one that fell pretty flat. Splat. Sorry. The story has 100+ followers (way more the I ever thought possible) so if I ever make 'jokes' about readers again, well, Umm, sorry? I've shown poor judgement in that regard in the past, apologies. The crack about the show itself and motivation? Not so much.**

**Beta Note: Thank you ****_elizabeth . bynog_**** for all the help.**

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_"I don't like those options."_

_"No I don't suppose you do. I could pop you in the head here and walk out, you die but your Detective lives; or I could walk out and let you both live for now, we could visit again later; or my favorite, you get all self-sacrificial, scream like a girl, I kill you and your Detective and still walk away. Anyway it happens Castle, I'm walking away from this; the only question is whether you are. Not walking obviously, but living at all after tonight."_

_Rick didn't see the options quite the same way, he'd seen how carefully Kate had descended the stairs after the broken lamp with Judy, she wasn't the type to rush in unaware even when she suspected Tyson. If he called out, screamed, like a girl or not, he thought the chances were good that Kate would end Tyson, that Jerry wouldn't get to walk away. Neither would Rick, there'd be no escape if he called out; just a bullet to the head. It was a strange reversal from his guilt the prior morning, his actions years ago had started the ball rolling to death and near death; now his actions could stop a killer._

_Tyson gave a push with the gun, trying to jog Rick into action, and hissed, "Pick!"_

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Rick was done playing by Tyson's rules. He'd read how that has gotten him and Detective Ryan into trouble in a motel room, playing roles as bit players in a dramatic rebirth plan for a psychopath. Then apparently Rick's star had risen, he'd become the focus of the latest drama for Jerry's ego stroking pleasure, or maybe Id, or super-ego; whatever psychotic basis the crazy man had. Whatever, Rick was done; play along and he or people close to him got hurt and Tyson trotted off to play another day.

Not anymore. It was time to grab him by the nose and twist until it hurt.

Rick almost couldn't help the small smirk on his face as he responded, "No."

He could see Tyson's hand momentarily squeeze the grip of the pistol and had a moment of doubt, maybe Tyson didn't have a desperate need for his games to play out to his script. If not, then things could...The gun was gone.

Tyson had lifted the gun away from his forehead, and taken a very modest step back, the expression in his face looked displeased. "Castle, Castle, you always have to complicate things don't you. Ok, I'm going to go over the rules with you one more time."

One thing Rick absolutely knew he was going to hate when it came to rehabilitating his injuries would be the wobble board; stand upright, stay still, that's what they'd say. How could he though when the very ground he would be standing on was unstable, shifting; he hated it, and he knew that he was the kind of guy to go with the flow. Tyson did not flow. He plotted, planned, and was unhappy when his plans didn't go as drawn up.

"I'm not playing your game Jerry. Tell you what, we can play one of mine. Pop out the LaserTag gear and have at it. I'm in a chair, odds are definitely in your favor. You win, you walk away, I win.."

Tyson at this point was glaring at him with the most frustrated expression, and barked at him, "Castle, will you just shut up? I've got a real gun here man, not a toy! You are so annoying, I think I'm just going to shoot you. Deal's off."

The tiny little shift in light was all he saw, just where the knob on the bedroom door started to turn, such a subtle little thing really, but his eyes were drawn to it anyway. And just as his were drawn to it, Tyson's were drawn to his as they flicker away from watching the gun.

So it was back, pistol pressed against his forehead and Tyson spoke out loud. "I know you're there Detective. Why don't you come in nice and slowly, we can have a family reunion."

As the door swung open the first thing that stood out was the gun, not surprisingly, it entered pointing straight at Tyson, followed by a sleep clothed Kate. "You ok Rick?"

He began to respond, but was cut off immediately by a jab into his forehead by the gun.

"He's fine Detective. For now. Put you gun down and kick it over here."

"No. I'm not playing your game here Tyson. You put yours down, get on your knees, and put your hands behind your head."

Tyson laughed, "You seem at little under equipped for this, what you gonna cuff me with? A scrunchie?"

It was Kate's turn to smirk, clearly amused by something, then Rick got an earful of what, "Two pair of cuffs in the bedside table Tyson. I'm always prepared. Now shut up and drop the gun."

Tyson gestured with his fee hand to where his pistol was butting into Castle's head. "I don't think so, I think we have a Mexican standoff here."

Since they were both so distracted, Rick decided to fill them in on the details they were missing. "Well, not really. I'd have be pointing a gun at Kate for that to be true."

Kate's eyes slightly bugged out as she shushed him, "You aren't walking away here Tyson, neither of us are going to let that happen again."

"My dear Detective, you've never let me walk away, you've just never been able to stop me. How long until backup arrives?"

"I didn't call. No backup Tyson. Just us, we're going to finish this right here."

"That seems a little foolhardy Detective. Really? Not that they'd get here in time anyway."

"As an act of good faith Tyson, take the gun off Rick's head."

"I do find this "Rick" thing fascinating. How about quid pro quo Detective. You tell me how you knew I was here."

"The room is bugged."

Tyson did ease the gun away a little, which freed Rick to express some ire, though he realized it probably wasn't the time or place; it was a distraction and that felt just fine, "You told me it wasn't bugged!"

"It wasn't bugged when I swept it Rick. This isn't the..."

"Au contraire, this is most fascinating, do tell us, please, a trade."

"I bugged it. After the get well card arrived."

"You got your Captain's approval to..."

"It's a fifty dollar baby monitor from Duane Reade. I got it on the way home from work that day, it's on your dresser. It's not a real bug Rick, but it worked. Can we focus here? The psychotic in the corner?"

Rick would swear if you'd asked him that Kate appeared nervous, shifting her feet and generally looking fairly uncomfortable; very atypical behavior from what he'd seen of her. It wasn't until she'd shifted almost halfway across the room that he really understood, she wasn't uncomfortable, she was moving, turning Tyson's orientation so that he was increasingly standing with his back to the door.

Unfortunately Tyson noticed too. "Detective, really? You expect me to let you backup sneak up behind me?"

Kate shrugged, "Told you, no backup. I just want to leave you an exit, never corner a rat. You are vicious enough without thinking you've got no way out."

"You know, I really should be offended. Psychotic. Rat. Vicious. You make me think you don't enjoy our time together."

"Go Tyson. Get out before I change my mind."

Rick couldn't remain silent, they couldn't let him leave, he didn't think he could handle another death on his conscience. "Kate, you can't..."

She never took her eyes of Tyson, but her tone was not the one she'd been addressing him with, "Hush Rick."

"Seems to me Castle, the first time we met I left you there wanting to stop me leaving and there was nothing you could do about it then either. It was that other cop with you then though."

"The last time I shot you." Castle replied.

Tyson was backing towards the door, clearly intent on an exit strategy, but couldn't help but have the last word, "Yes, you did. Right in the vest. I'm so glad you're a good shot. Goodbye. For now. See you soon."

Rick watched, frustrated, as Tyson slipped out of the room and Kate made no move to follow him. She waited a few seconds, as they both listened to receding footsteps before slumping down to sit on the edge of the bed.

Before Rick could say a word, she reached behind her and he saw it, a bump tucked into the back of her sleep shorts. She pulled out her phone speaking into it without dialing a number.

"You get that? He's in the building. Are units here?"

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"There's no sign of him Beckett."

Kate's attention was caught by Espo as she descended the stairs, having decided to put on some sweat pants and a loose t-shirt over her sleep clothes after yet another uniform had entered the loft and spent the first several moments staring at her and not paying attention to the doorway.

It had been almost a half hour since Tyson had made his exit and the hope that she'd had that he be captured trying to exit the building had long since faded. Kate had yet to break the news to Rick, though she had little doubt he'd already concluded what had happened; too much noise in the den and not enough congratulatory celebration for the verdict to be anything else.

Kate reached the bottom of the stairs and approached Esposito, who was standing by Ryan near the couch, in radio contact with various units outside the building. She attempted to keep her voice controlled, but the frustration was clearly showing. "What happened? There were units at the scene when he left the loft. Nobody saw anything?"

Ryan shrugged, not an indifferent one, his expression a massive sense of disappointment, "We don't know. He didn't come out the front or the back. Tactical is in route, we're going to do a full sweep of the building, but I don't think he's still here."

Her time was up, she needed to tell Rick, tell him properly rather than let him fill in the gaps himself again. "I'll be back guys, keep looking ok? He was here and I let him get away."

"Beckett, you can't blame yourself..."

"I can Espo, I do, doesn't mean I regret it for a moment."

Kate walked from the den, though the office; voices fading gradually behind her as she approached the bedroom. The door was still partially open, light coming from inside where she'd left the room lit for Rick, knowing he wouldn't be sleeping any time soon.

As soon as she stepped into the room he spoke, voice tense, but not showing the anger she had feared, "He got away didn't he?"

She didn't answer at first, sitting down on the bed instead and taking hold of his hand; his warm living hand. The only response she could offer was going to disappoint even though he already knew, "Yeah, he got away, or he's gotten away so far. He didn't exit the front of the building, or get out through the back; maybe he went over the roof, maybe he's still here. We're still looking Rick, but honestly I think he's probably gone."

Kate could recognize the depressed sound of his voice with no difficulty at all, someone wouldn't even have to know him in order to do so. "Now he'll kill again. To rub my face, our faces, in it. You should have shot him. Damn the consequences."

"Don't think like that, we had him before and he got away, that doesn't make his murders our fault; you can't let guilt get to you like that Rick. We try the best we can to stop the bad guys and to prevent bad things from happening. Even if we know without a doubt Tyson will kill again, even then the consequences aren't out fault. Sometimes I don't know the consequences of what we do, when a case gets away from me."

If anything he seemed to sound more down after that. "Consequences that I underestimated; sometimes I do things and the consequences are just awful."

"When I was on patrol Rick, I lost count of how many domestic violence callouts I went on, dozens easily maybe hundreds; for most of them nothing ever happened, no charges pressed or whatever, in some of them there were consequences later. What was I supposed to do, Rick? What was I supposed to do? Shoot the suspect because of some future consequences I was worried about? In some cases I wish I had, but I'm a cop Rick, so are you for all practical purposes, and we don't stop pursuing a case because of fear of consequences, and we certainly don't execute people to avoid some potential future crime either."

"It's a constant struggle with Tyson though, he keeps getting away, this is the third time right?"

"One thing Captain Montgomery told me Rick, was that there are no victories, only the battle. That's what we face with Tyson, for now, he's our battle. I need someone to stand with me while I fight that battle Rick, or the battle alone will consume me. We will get him but that won't end the darkness, there'll always be another battle to fight. We can't win the war, but we can and will win the battle against Tyson, just not tonight."

"What's about your mother's case? I started that ball rolling, it had consequences, people died. I loaded the gun Kate and intent followed the bullet."

Kate squeezed his hand, then lay down on the bed beside him very carefully, not jostling him at all. Sometimes she was glad of the little law training she'd had and interested herself in over the years, "Intent follows the bullet is just a legal convention Rick, not necessarily reality. I'm not a DA, certainly I'm not going to hold you responsible for those actions. Intent follows the bullet is about destruction, striking out against something, using a weapon. How about Informed Consent? That's about healing, which is what you were, in part, trying to help me do. Did you have a full understanding of the implications and probably consequences of poking into that case Rick? I don't think you did back then, you didn't consent to consequences. Yes people had died Rick, but no you aren't responsible and no you shouldn't feel unbearable guilt over it."

He was about to say something else but Kate could see the clock now showing roughly 5AM and he desperately needed rest, so she shushed him with a finger over his lips and rose momentarily from the bed to close the door completely and turnoff the lights before joining him once again, snuggling a little into his side where she could hear and feel his breathing and heartbeat.

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Rick was only moments behind Kate as they exited the bedroom and entered the still somewhat crowded den. Esposito and Ryan were slouched on the couch, very much not their normal Halo-readiness positions. They both looked exhausted. Rick realized how much good the nap had done him, and that the restful sleep had only come because he'd felt safe.

Espo had seen him and momentarily ignored Kate to toss a greeting his way, "Yo Castle, you have nine lives or what?"

Kate's face looked momentarily panicked, but she held up a hand in Rick's direction asking for silence while she questioned Esposito, "The sweep or CSU find anything?"

It was Ryan who answered. "Nothing, not even a sign of him on the lobby security cameras ever entering the building. CSU found signs that the lock had been picked, like the last time he planted stuff here. Other than that, nothing."

Glancing between her two friends and teammates, she twitched her eyes up, hoping they'd take the hint and not make her spell it out. Esposito did, rolling his own eyes in a slight mocking imitation, "And obviously we checked the roof. Nothing out of place, but it's the most probable escape route, easy access to the adjacent building and of course the uniforms first on scene didn't check, just set a perimeter around the building. Sorry Beckett, he's gone."

Castle's voice broke into the detectives' protective envelope, "He got away and now he's going to kill again. I should..."

"You shouldn't have anything Rick. None of this should ever have happened, psychos like Tyson shouldn't exist, they certainly shouldn't be holding guns to people's heads. We are going stop him Rick."

Ryan stood slowly from the sofa, clearly tired, but he had a bone to pick with Tyson too. "Look Castle, he took my gun before and someone died; but he's the one at fault for that. I screwed up, we've all had screwups. Decisions we regret after thinking things though a bit better. We learn from those mistakes, we don't wallow in them; do that and they'll eat you up, dude."

"Bro! Let's get some coffee in you before you depress us any more. Beckett, we're heading back to the precinct, there'll be two uniforms here in the hall and a unit outside the building. Not that I think he's coming back, but it's worth a shot."

Rick started to shift in his chair, clearly uneasy about the thought of protection. "I'm not okay with this, protection..."

Kate turned sharply to him, her face hard, determined. "If last night doesn't prove you need protection then..."

He softened his voice, trying to calm her irritation at what she clearly thought was recklessness. "Not that Kate. If he comes back, uniforms aren't going to stop him, you know that; they'll just be a couple more dead redshirts, no disrespect."

"Any deterrent Rick is better than none. You're the target, everyone will be incredibly careful. He is not getting to you again. End of story."

After their small sidebar conversation ended they realized they were alone, the guys having left them alone for the last part of the conversation.

Kate stepped behind his chair, leaning down to whisper in his ear, "Before we try to figure this out, coffee to wake us up?"

Rick tried to twist around to look at her, but she appeared to have deliberately chosen a spot he couldn't twist to reach, "Coffee or green tea?"

"After last night Rick, I think coffee is about right for both of us." Her hand reached into his view, touching the neutral button on his chair, ready to switch it from electronic to manual control. "May I?"

Rick nodded, but didn't say anything as she gradually began to push him towards the kitchen and to make coffee for them both.

He eventually decided to push the issue from earlier a little, something that had worried her. "Kate, what about the nine lives had anything to do with Tyson?"

She was obviously the one in charge of brewing, but didn't let that distract her. "Not nine. He does things in threes Rick, always three victims by pattern. This is the third time he's had a gun on you; maybe this time, this visit,hi scheme, he plans to finish it."

Maybe the third time would be lucky for Tyson, or maybe someone else, a sensitive topic they'd touched on before, one that was close to Kate's heart; one where a little teasing wouldn't go amiss given the room full of tension, "Third and last time?"

She actually laughed at that, amused, and reached out to gently push his shoulder. "Yeah Rick, you do have something in common I guess. I'm going to make sure the third time is the last time for each of you. I always get my man in the end. Just remember that."


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: Nope. Still don't own Castle.**

**A/N: And now for... well something. Short I suppose, apologies.**

**Beta Note: Thank you _elizabeth . bynog_ for all the help. Really. Anyone who actually likes this fic should thank her too.**

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A little while later, after the first cup of coffee they'd shared together in over a week, albeit in companionable silence, Kate was ready to go. There was a case, a big one, and it wasn't going to get solved sitting around in the loft. Not unless Tyson was monumentally stupid enough to come back, and even then he wasn't going to find Rick alone again.

"Rick, I'm going to shower. You need to find something other than a robe to wear."

"Why? It's comfy."

"Because you cannot go out like that, you cannot go to the precinct like that. Gates is going to object enough with you in a wheelchair, waivers or not; a robe would be the last straw I think."

He looked at her a little quizzically, "Precinct?"

Sipping the last of her coffee, which almost did taste better knowing he was drinking the same, she didn't even try and fight off the small smile. "You're coming with me. For starters you know Tyson as well as anyone, even if it is mainly from notes right now. We better bring your laptop. Secondly, I am not letting you out of my sight. You are a trouble magnet, and I intend to be right beside you the next time it arrives."

Quizzical had been replaced with a shocked expression, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Which bit? You in a wheelchair at the precinct? Terrible idea, but it will improve our chances of catching Tyson. That counts for a lot right now, with me, with Gates. You with me? That's a brilliant idea."

She started heading upstairs, not willing to take no for an answer, just making a final comment, "Find something to wear Rick. Or I'll dress you myself."

It took twenty minutes for Kate to get ready, taking a little time in the shower rather than a simple mad rush; she expected to have time, but was a little shocked to see Rick ready and waiting when she descended the stairs again. He had on an Ironman t-shirt and a blanket was covering his legs.

It was Rick, she had to ask, to check, because she could never quite be sure, "Are you wearing pants?"

His grin was a little contagious, but at least he did give the answer she wanted to hear, at first, "Yes! I remembered I had some for research, they're old but they sort of fit. The Velcro helps. They have Velcro down the legs too so I could work around the scaffolding."

Velcro pants. She rolled her eyes at him, "Are you wearing stripper pants Rick?"

His grin got a little wider, "Yep!"

Kate honestly didn't know what to be more annoyed about, that he was wearing Velcro stripper pants now to go to the precinct, or that this was the first time she'd heard about them and whatever research he'd been up to that necessitated them. In reality she knew what was more annoying, she'd worn a lieutenant Chloe costume for him, with almost stripper shoes, though also with a Kreaver mask; and he'd never.. Whatever. Priorities. She could focus on priorities for now.

"Umm? Kate? How do you propose we get to the precinct? You do realize that I can't sit in a normal car?"

How did she propose? "Really Rick? I hadn't noticed? I thought we'd take a unicycle, or the subway. I called your limo people. Stretch all the way."

"Really? You're ok with rolling up to the precinct in a limo?"

"It isn't going to be a dramatic entrance, maneuvering you from the back into your chair hardly makes for a great entrance, more of an awkward hello."

He actually looked a little chagrined at that, clearly hoping for a more Richard Castle worthy entrance. Well he wasn't going to get one, he was going to get a difficult one with her hands under his armpits, a dragging wriggling entrance, and he was just going to have to deal with it.

Once again she stepped behind his chair, it was her job to drive them forward she realized and she was willing, more than willing, to take that responsibility. Kate didn't ask this time, switching the chair to manual mode and pushing him, them, forward out of the loft.

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An awkward hello didn't even begin to describe it. Somehow he'd managed to get himself into the limousine with the assistance of Kate, yet she insisted on calling Ryan and Esposito down to the front of the precinct to assist in extricating him from the same vehicle. They had succeeded though, and finally he'd made it up to the homicide floor. He had copious notes on little details about it, had clearly spent considerable time there; but everything was completely unfamiliar, like meeting a long lost relative, all the external details looked right but somehow everything just felt off.

As soon as she pushed him off the elevator, having once again taken over manual control of his chair and choosing the path they followed, a loud voice called out from across the floor, "Detective Beckett! What is the meaning of this?"

A well named captain apparently, guarding the gateway to her domain, and judging from the tone of her voice she was really not happy about something. Probably something to do with a civilian in a wheelchair if he had to guess from the glare she was directing his way.

Beckett responded firmly, professionally. "Captain Gates. Sir, I thought Castle could be helpful, he's had more interaction with Tyson than any of us, than anyone really; he can be valuable to the case."

Gates paced up to them, cutting them off in the corridor leading away from the elevators, she didn't look angry, just determined. "I'm sure Mister Castle, the injured civilian, can be just as helpful giving his statement from the safety of his home, Detective. The home for which you arranged police protection. Send him home Detective. Get his full statement if you didn't last night, then get back here and do your job."

Firmly again, but a clipped tone this time, a simple definitive declaration. "No."

Rick hadn't known what response to expect from Kate, but judging from the reactions around him, a direct no was not anticipated by anyone. Ryan and Esposito who were on either side of him as they'd exited the elevator were staring straight ahead, quite deliberately not making eye contact with anyone; his best guess would be they were waiting for some sort of explosion they could use as a distraction to take cover during the aftermath.

Gates response was instead clipped in it's own way. "Beckett. My office. Now." Then she turned and left.

Beckett moved to follow quickly, before turning, not making eye contact with Rick, but speaking to the two other members of her team, "Guys, show him to the break room please. I'll be right back." Then she left too.

Both Ryan and Esposito spoke at almost the same time, "Come on Castle", leading the way into the break room. Rick did in fact know where it was, he'd hand sketched the layout of the homicide floor into his notes at some point, labeling a few desks, the Captain's office where he could see Kate gingerly taking a seat. The break room made numerous appearances in his notes, some positive, some negative; he'd written about Beckett and Sorenson in there, among other things.

Piloting himself into the room he saw a metal monstrosity perched on a long counter and his memory flashed, driving him to speakand blurt out the sudden remembrance, "Monkey peed in battery acid."

Esposito just ignored his wild comment, while Ryan gave him confused look, "Dude? What?"

"That's what the coffee was like before. Then I bought the espresso machine for Kate."

Esposito paid attention to that, "Bro, you bought it for the department. Doesn't matter what you think now, if you'd said it was for Beckett back then she'd have taken a sledgehammer to it."

"Or ditched it down the garbage chute."

"Or out a window, look out below!"

The two of them were having a grand old time bantering espresso machine demolition ideas back and forth until finally Rick had enough, "Guys! She really hated me that much back then?"

"Dude, hate is a strong word, it's just that you drove her absolutely crazy."

"Seriously bro, if she'd really hated you, none of us, Montgomery and Beckett included, would have let you stay."

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Beckett followed Gates into her office, closing the door swiftly behind her, standing almost at attention in front of the Captain's desk. She was eager for this to be over to get back to work.

"Beckett, sit."

She really don't want to sit, wanted it over as soon as possible, "I'd rather..."

"Sit."

She sat. This did not feel like a normal disagreement with her Captain, though Kate's mind was made up; she was not going to let Rick out of her sight, one way or the other.

"Detective Beckett. Mister Castle does not belong here in his condition. You want him here, I understand, but he should be at home."

"But sir, he's one of us..."

"No Beckett, he isn't. He isn't an officer. That said,even if he were, he wouldn't be allowed back to the precinct in his condition, he'd be at home recuperating. You know that. You've been hurt Beckett, and you didn't spend your recovery time here."

Kate was going to dig in her heels, no question about that, she'd already decided to do whatever it took, and she wasn't going to give up now. "He's a material witness Sir and he'd be safer here."

"This precinct is not your personal day care, he has protection assigned, which I would bet a dollar that he doesn't want anyway. Beckett, he's a distraction here, you are worried about his health and safety. Let others take care of that so you can focus."

"You are right, I am distracted because of worries about his safety, I don't deny that. That safety though Sir, that's what I care about. To be completely honest, I care about that more than catching Tyson right now."

"Catching Tyson is the best way to ensure his continued safety."

"You're partly right, but I turned down a Federal offer to catch Tyson, an add on offer at least, because I had a bigger priority. I understand you don't want him here..."

Gates was quick to jump in at that comment, seemingly trying to make things very clear, "It's nothing personal against Mister Castle..."

"I understand. For you it's nothing personal, it's policy. For me it is very personal. Sir, I'd like to request some vacation time."

"With Tyson on the loose? I can't spare you, you can have as much vacation time as you want once this is put to bed. Not before."

"Then permission to work from home. Ryan and Esposito can keep me up to date, I..."

Gates shook her head firmly, her face solid, "No Beckett. You are needed here."

Kate didn't feel like she had much choice really, reached down to grasp her badge and pulled it off the waistband of her pants and placed her closed hand on Gates' desk. It felt like a high stakes game of chicken; she didn't want to quit, but she wasn't going to have their partnership broken either.

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The squeal of metal over linoleum made Rick wince, and he wasn't alone. Both Ryan and Esposito put their hands over their ears as Beckett dragged a chair noisily in to the room. All three of them were staring at her as she shoved the chair into a corner, turning to face them with a halfhearted shrug. Rick knew full well she could have carried the chair noiselessly into the room if she'd wanted, so obviously she had some ulterior motive, a statement to make.

He had no idea what it was though, but Ryan apparently had an inkling, "Beckett? Is that what I think it is?"

Another shrug, and a mumbled response was all he was granted, "Dunno."

Esposito was curious too now, Rick watching him study the chair from a couple of angles. "It's Castle's chair."

That caught his attention though; he had a chair, but now it was in the breakroom, not where they worked. Kate gave an affirmative response then wandered over to the espresso machine, poking and prodding at it with no apparent rhyme or reason. It felt to Rick like she was deliberately wasting time, waiting for something. Maybe a response from him, but he had no idea what was going on.

Ryan took his place as the fool who speaks and Rick mentally thanked him. "Why'd you bring it in here Beckett?"

She spun around, a perfectly executed pirouette, almost like she'd been prepared, wound herself up to execute the move, as if she was participating in a dance. He considered the scenario. It was likely he was supposed to be distressed by the removal of his chair, but he wasn't because he didn't see the significance really; what he did see was a small twitch of her lips, hiding a smirk perhaps as she responded with an exaggerated snap, "No room for it here anymore."

Both Ryan and Esposito moved across the room then, crowding Beckett against the espresso machine and some rapid hissed words were exchanged, though not so quiet that he couldn't hear.

"No room? What did Gates say?"

"Precinct is crowded enough. We need to work without the excess clutter."

"What!"

"Told me to get rid of his chair."

Since he was here to work, at least in principal, and this whole discussion smelled suspiciously of Beckett trying to wind everyone up, himself included, he decided to interrupt her little storytelling session.

"Move the chair to make room for the wheelchair?"

He regretted it as soon as he said it. Kate practically deflated, apparently she'd been excited by her little game and he just punctured the balloon. It didn't last long though as a big grin broke across her face and she winked slowly at him. The guys just groaned, apparently realizing they were being played, and left Beckett to continue fiddling with the espresso machine as they exited the room.

"Sorry." He had to apologize for messing things up for her.

She just shook her head and approached, leaning down until her face was just inches from his. "Don't apologize for understanding me, in the end I'm looking forward to more of that."

"I'm getting there I think."

"I know you are, and I know we will keep making progress if we talk Rick. We have work to do now though, catching Tyson. Maybe a new beginning for us without that hanging over us."

The last words were quickly followed by her face darting in and kissing him, not a peck, but a kiss, her mouth slightly open to tempt him; but it was over before he could truly react, leaving his head moving forward even as hers withdrew. Her grin was still there though.

She was gone then striding towards they breakroom door, tossing a comment over her shoulder, "You coming Rick?"


End file.
